When Everyone Says I'm Not…

  • Creator
  • #33051
    Tory Bailey

    What do I do when everybody says I’m not trans?  When not a single person who knows me personally seems to believe me.  When they say nothing from my past seems to indicate it.  When I’m told I might have this, that, or something else instead of being trans?  When people say what I’m doing to explore myself is completely selfish and I’m not thinking about my family?  When I’m told I’m not right in the head?  That if I don’t stop my kids will be taken from me?  When I’m told I should just see a normal counselor and not a gender counselor?  When I’m told I should stop because my kids don’t like seeing me in women’s clothing?

    What do I do?  What am I doing so wrong?

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    • #53994
      DeeAnn Hopings

      To me, the coming out discussion is something that we must do. If someone does it for you, as mentioned here, it may be OK or it may not. I’m not suggesting that the spouse would consciously do anything untoward, but kids pick up on subconscious things like body language, different speech patterns, inflections, etc. and it can have the effect of betraying the words.

      Anyway, that said, there are many factors that go into deciding how to move forward. Transition, and moving towards transition sooner rather than later, is something to be carefully considered and hopefully with help from a competent therapist. There are a lot of moving parts here and all must be considered and prioritized. It is always much better to make conscious decisions rather than have a decision visited upon you…

    • #33182

      Hello, not sure if I should post or add my opinion or not.  I of course do not know the whole situation so all I can do is base my response off of my own situation and what I have seen in others.

      If you grew up with a mind/social life of a woman you would understand the fact that 97% of woman view their self identity as a group of people, IE: family, friends, sorority,etc.  Opposed to men who’s self identity is me, myself, and I, the rest is there to support his identity. A circle vs a pyramid.  As a MtF somewhere on the spectrum Tory you have unfortunately been trying to fit a man’s social aspect for a long time, even though your mind keeps trying to fit the identity as a woman.  Remember puberty and those teen years?  Confusion, self doubt, experimenting,  trying to find your self, etc.  Puberty did not happen over night, more then likely for you never did stop. And at that time all you had to do was learn it from scratch not try and unlearn years of conditioning.

      And guess what, your spouse when she married you, and each child there after, you all became part of her self identity.  She was comfortable with that fact.  You eventually fit into her self identity for 11 years.  Unfortunately perception is truth and truth is fluid. Then one day, and to her surprise or not, you changed how you fit in her self identity.  If you can, imagine one day your hand decided to suddenly became a foot.  Gross, crazy, people look at you funny, feel sorry, etc.  That is how your wife feels, and to her it looks like a choice or worse a lie after all these years.  How could you not tell her? Lie to her? Be so mean as to destroy her inner sanctuary?  She darn right has a right to be mad, upset, etc.  Look at the steps of grief when someone dies and you see a correlation as to the steps you are about to go through.  Problem is she can not bury you.  Even worse she loves you and wants you to be happy, wants to be selfless toward you.  She knows it is no joke, you hide it to protect her, knows you love her.

      Tory you hopefully know and feel her suffering.

      No one said it would be easy.  It is just worth all the suffering in the end.

      Here is the light after all the doom and gloom, if you love one another and are selfless to one another. Take time to talk and cry on eacheother.  A good group cry umong girls goes a real long way. You both can rebuild each others self identities and become 10 times stronger in your selves then you were ever before Tory’s coming out.

      No man or woman is strong if they live day in and day out with self doubt possibly self hate.  Unfortunately most Trans people this is what they do for years and years.  Both of you need healing and rebuilding, please, help one another.  Also seek outside help when you need it, you do not have to go it alone.  Unfortunately this will take time, expect at least as long as those puberty years.

      Bless you both and your family.



    • #33086

      Hi Tory,

      As Xelyn stated, what people don’t understand they fear, this is true for the majority of cisgender people regarding us. Sister you are doing nothing wrong in regards to how you perceive yourself as Trans. We have had a burden of guilt our whole lives until the blinders were pulled off. The guilt, anger, depression, apathy, and stress we have all endured would have broken many but yet we are still here. It has broken this who have committed suicide and that is a tragedy of the monumental failure of our culture. Don’t let anyone tell you what others think. Ask for yourself so you have a firsthand account and can either reply then or build a plan to enlighten them. Selfish? Hell no it is not selfish to go on a discovery of yourself!!!! It is selfish for them to deny you that basic personal right. They know who they are and have known their whole lives but we didn’t. Life may not be fair but we will bring life to it’s knees and whip it just so we can be ourselves. As a parting note; we are all beautiful in our own way and only we can let others take who we are away from us. Love ❤️ and hugs 🤗


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    • #33056

      It sounds like you could benefit from reading a few great books on being transgender or transsexual . https://youtu.be/6HGFeX3XJos HOPE YOU ENJOY!

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    • #33052

      Beautiful girl, you aren’t doing anything wrong. This isn’t their battle, they don’t know what you are going through and never will. What people don’t understand, they fear and deem wrong. They don’t know what they are talking about though. So their opinions don’t matter.

      Also, have your kids told you personally what they think of you? Or are you letting other people talk for them?

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      • #33097
        Allie Wenzel

        Hello Xelyn, thanks for the response to Tory’s post. You said that our opinions don’t matter.

        When it’s the woman that raised him, yes her opinion matters

        When Tory does something that puts both of us in serious danger, like draws a knife on himself and I barricade him in the house with my body while he has the knife pointed at me, regardless if he has intent to use it on me or not…. my opinion matters

        When my son goes to school and tells his teachers he doesn’t want to come home. He wants me to come get him and his siblings and take them somewhere where daddy isn’t. …. His opinion matters

        She has been in a relationship and marriage with me for 11 years, she has fathered four children with me. He decided in August after all of this that he’s all of a sudden Transgender???? I support her and I will love her unconditionally, but I am ANGRY, I am angry that she’s  doing this, I’m angry that she decided to turn my life upside down. I’m angry that my kids are hurting bc of her actions and I have no way to comfort them. So yes Xelyn, Our opinions DO matter!

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        • #33102

          Hon, I’m not here to argue with you. You can be angry all you want, but I’m not gonna let your anger, and yes, your opinion, drag me down into an argument. You expertly twisted my words. Your opinions matter to you. But they are just opinions. Everyone has them. Your safety and health, your children’s safety and health, matters. However, your opinions on if Tory is really transgender or just faking it to hurt you, which I will remind you is what this topic was all about and bring back into context, should not matter. At least not to Tory. They may matter to you, and that’s fine, but no one’s opinion should matter to anyone else except the person who has them. They are not facts, they are simply perceptions, that is the definition of an opinion. So I’ll kindly ask you not to get angry and twist words to use as weapons against myself, Tory, or anyone else here. This is meant to be a safe place, not somewhere where you can go to attack people that upset you, no matter how hurt you may be. You’ll find that trying to strangle the blade that cut you will only get you cut up worse.


          You might also want to stop blaming Tory for being suicidal like she’s a weapon, and realize that she’s hurting just as much as you are and is a victim in all of this. She didn’t decide that she is transgender. None of us just wake up one morning and think, “Hey, I’m gonna screw everyone in my life, including myself and the ones I love most, and pretend like I feel a certain way about myself because it sounds like fun.” Because that’s not how it works. Just because you found out about her being Transgender in August, does not mean that she wasn’t before. It means that she was afraid to tell you, and probably even to tell herself for so long because she knew it would hurt you and was trying to protect you. She obviously loves you very much and that’s why she suffered through this alone for so long without telling anyone until she couldn’t take it anymore. I’m sorry for being an offensive jackass, but I’m not one for sugar coating things and I lay it out how it is. So here it goes. I find it pretty crappy that you are blaming her and attacking her for loving you like that. She’s a strong person, but she’s only human. Sometimes humans don’t know how to handle hard situations like this. Which is why, even though it’s crappy of you to be lashing out at her and it was crappy of her to not tell you the truth sooner, I think you are both pretty amazing. Because you are doing it all out of love for each other. I just think it would be best if you found another way to direct all your hurt so it’s not at each other any more. Neither of you asked for this. Neither of you want it. But it is what it is and you can’t change that. You can only decide how to deal with it. I wish you both the best of luck.

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        • #33101

          I feel awful for what my son said, and I need to find a way to properly address it with all the kids.

      • #33054

        Thank you for those words Xelyn.

        My wife addressed things with them.  She didn’t want my presence to guilt them into agreeing with me, so she talked to them privately.  She says they told her my dressing makes them uncomfortable.  They have since addressed it with their teachers and my mother.  My one son actually said something to me the other day that really hurt.  I try not to be too obvious around them, they don’t see my jeans as women’s jeans and I wear a pink hoodie over my top that’s a feminine color but still from the men’s department.

        I need to address it with them myself.  I should have done it a lot sooner, but I wanted advice from my counselor, maybe even a session with them where I’d have help with explaining it to them. I have heard some good ways to explain myself, perhaps I need to bite the bullet and do it the best I can myself.

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        • #33273
          Miss Cloé

          Tory, I think Allie was correct in giving them space to express themselves without the presence of the one with whom they were feeling uncomfortable.  It let them have room to explore their own thoughts in a supportive environment, but with one who also loves you.

          However, have you considered whether there’s a need to for you to do the same?  Give them a chance to express their feelings directly with you in a mutually safe space.  Maybe with your wife there to help assure it remains safe for all of you.  Just thoughts, but I’m concerned there may not be a direct connection which to me seems to be a path toward them compartmentalizing your relationship into something other than a happy family one.  This is one for a family counselor.  You need help bringing it back together.

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