When you look in the mirror…

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    Topic
  • #94731
    Alexis Moon
    Participant

    Question for those who are still early in their transition (i.e. mostly still presenting as male): do you find that you start seeing yourself differently?

    I ask because I am basically still living as a male, and am just at the point where I’ve finally accepted that I am trans and am just taking some baby steps as I figure out the long term plan. But strangely, sometimes I look in the mirror, and it’s like I can see the woman there, even if I’m not presenting that way. To be clear, I haven’t started HRT.

    Is that weird? Or is it a side effect of acceptance? Curious if anyone else has experienced something similar.

    6 users thanked author for this post.
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    Replies
    • #96122

      Hi Alexis, thanks for this post. My history with the dreaded mirror has gone on for a long time…longer than I can remember. Like you I am at the beginning of this journey and still living as my male self (bummer). I have moments where id be in front of the mirror and for the briefest moment I see the real me, and it genuinely brings feelings of happiness and joy. I kinda thought that maybe I was being a bit delusional but that was before I realised what being trans actually was. This has sparked more than a couple of lightbulb moments, and I’ve decided that life’s to short to live as someone you feel is a lie, life’s to short to live miserably, happiness is not an impossible dream and dreams do eventually become reality 🙂

    • #95486
      Anonymous

      When looking in mirror as male self can see my female self wanting out so bad to be the main reflection for ever.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #95484
      Anonymous

      I am living my life as a male. I came to realize that I am trans about 11 months ago. I look in the mirror now and see a stranger. Someone I don’t want to be anymore. Tried coming out as a crossdresser to my wife at first but she was 100% against it and I got scared to tell her anymore. She has told me at one point, not to tell her I’m transgender. In the past year, I’ve lost all male sexual function (which I could care) but my wife is upset over. Just living a nightmare and hoping one day that I can be ME.

      • #95495

        I’m so sorry to hear that. I’m on the verge of bringing this up with my wife, and it is terrifying. My thoughts are with you.

        1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #95468

      This was literally my lightbulb moment. In December 2020 I looked in the mirror en-femme and a slightly nervous Catherine smiled back. It took a couple of weeks, but Catherine has been here ever since. I have a long way to go to pass but the important thing is that I’ve taken the first step.

      When I look in the mirror I see Nicole looking back. Particularly since I haven’t had a hair cut since last March. I want to continue letting it grow out. I think that is good enough for me, at least for the time being.

      💕 Nicole

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #95426

      Question for those who are still early in their transition (i.e. mostly still presenting as male): do you find that you start seeing yourself differently?

      I ask because I am basically still living as a male, and am just at the point where I’ve finally accepted that I am trans and am just taking some baby steps as I figure out the long term plan. But strangely, sometimes I look in the mirror, and it’s like I can see the woman there, even if I’m not presenting that way. To be clear, I haven’t started HRT.

      Is that weird? Or is it a side effect of acceptance? Curious if anyone else has experienced something similar.

      I have accepted that I am trans, but I’m a nervous wreck about surgery, hormones, clothing, makeup, hair, and God only knows what else!!!

      Is it possible to accept yourself as transsexual and not do any of these?  I have a friend, and a partner that have been very helpful, but I can’t rely on them indefinitely.

      Can I go through life looking like a man, but feeling like a woman?  I know inside that I am a woman. I don’t really care what other people think. I don’t want to go through the things I mention above just to make a statement to other people.  I can come here and hide behind an Avatar which represents  who I see inside.  Inside I am a vivacious young woman that is outgoing and fun.

      💕Nicole

      2 users thanked author for this post.
      • #95464
        Dawn J
        AMBASSADOR

        My feelings, exactly, Nicole.

        1 user thanked author for this post.
      • #95428

        Interesting, and I can see how that must be helpful to know you can still express your femme side without everything else. Yesterday, my dysphoria was kicking really, really hard, and I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. All that stuff you say is scary, but there are some days when I feel the need to go there. Just being the avatar isn’t cutting it…

        3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #95178

      When I look in the mirror I see a woman who wants to be herself.    When I am looking at my other self it’s almost as if it’s a stranger is looking back.  I don’t like the hair on the face.   I don’t like the look without makeup.  I immediately what to improved her appearance.

      Once the makeup is on and the woman is looking back at me, life feels right.   When I go out into the world as Annie, I am calmer, patient, and cautious.   I think as a woman thinks because that is who I am.    I’m careful in parking lots.    I stay where it well lite and people are around.   I walk with smaller steps and am more purposeful with my movements.   My purse is protected. My phone is In my hand.   The womanly insecurities are with me.   They protect me.

      3 users thanked author for this post.
      • #95466
        Dawn J
        AMBASSADOR

        When I look in the mirror at my male self, I’m not happy with that guy looking back at me. But, as myself, I’m very happy with the way I’m looking. Very depressing to go back to male mode. I easily “pass” in public– as a woman 20 years younger than my true age. I look & feel younger when I’m me. When I exercise, for some reason, I feel stronger & more energetic as myself. Many people, who have seen me or pictures of me, say that I look better as a woman than I do as a man. I have to agree. There was a time, when seeing myself in the mirror & expressing as my inner woman, that it sexually stimulated me. But now, it gives me more of a feeling of joy & satisfaction– like this feels right & it’s who I should be.

        3 users thanked author for this post.
        • #95498

          Yes! Exactly this. Especially the part of sexual arousal. I used to think that was the only reason I did this, and even though there’s still a tinge of that, it’s really faded. The pure, unadulterated joy comes from seeing yourself as the woman that you are. I know some people don’t have that need to look on the outside like they feel on the inside, but for those of us with the severe dysphoria, it’s often the only relief there is.

          I definitely feel like I look younger as a woman too. In general, I look young for my age, which helps, but just hiding the greying, male-pattern baldness takes years off!

          1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #94994

      It is interesting as we begin to travel down this road.  I carry myself differently… a bit more sway in my step, a bit better posture, arms closer, and not quite as large of a stride… with regards to my image… yes, I am still living mostly as a male, but I do see hints of mikayla even in “man-mode”…

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #94960

      This was literally my lightbulb moment. In December 2020 I looked in the mirror en-femme and a slightly nervous Catherine smiled back. It took a couple of weeks, but Catherine has been here ever since. I have a long way to go to pass but the important thing is that I’ve taken the first step.

    • #94909

      I think I’m walking differently too. Not like, swishy, but smaller steps, arms closer to my body, and hands out, that sort of thing. And I’m not doing it intentionally, it’s more like I just catch myself doing it unconsciously. Weird…

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #94908

      exactly the same happened me, I wondered was I delusional. I think it is all part of our minds coming to terms with our authentic selves

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #94737
      Carly Holloway
      AMBASSADOR - EDITOR

      Hi, Alexis.   I’ve enjoyed your article and found your story extremely familiar in many ways.   I’m now about 18 months into this grand adventure, and really enjoying the ride.    Ahhh, the elusive mirror image….for me, that image was so familiar, greeting me each morning.  But oddly unsettling.

      About 4 or 5 months ago, that image changed.   There I was, long hoped but never present, until that day.   The old familiar face and body was absent and there I was.  I recall looking for me carefully, evaluating changes in cheeks, chin, skin smoothness and complexion, all the signs I was told about as I began meds.  I couldn’t really judge fairly.   I quit examining myself for several weeks.   Then came the day I stepped out of the shower, patted my face and wrapped my hair in a towel, and began to apply my moistureizer.  And I was shocked.   I stood staring at a new image.   My face, arms, upper body, while familiar, was NOT the daily usual.   I was staring at Carly.   For the first time, I could see who I was without adding a thing.   Just me, looking back.

      I’m still happy to have that girl in the mirror greet me each morning.  That odd, out of place feeling has evaporated, and I grow more and more accustomed to being me.  And over time, we are able to incorporate a “New normal” into our roadmap for life.  These changes often happen slowly and undetectable in the short run, then BAM…the “New normal” is simply life today.  At least, so it happened for me.

      I wish you the very best, with an abundance or peace and love in your adventure.  You are one in a million, and a bright shining star.

      Carly

      4 users thanked author for this post.
      • #94742

        Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Carly. That sounds so amazing, and I can’t image what it must feel like to look at yourself in the mirror everyday and feel so pleased with it. I feel like what I’m experiencing is just a glimpse…

    • #94735
      Anonymous

      <p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi  Alexis, I’m in the same boat. I’ve just accepted in not a crossdresser with 2 personalities, I’m trans with one.</p>
      Yesterday when getting ready for work I was looking into my wardrobe on and thinking what should I wear. I’m recovering from Covid and my lungs are still iffy sometimes, so dicided no bust or hips, a woman’s tee, leggings, a skirt and a wig, (ps I love yours) and no make-up as I wasn’t feeling well. I have to wear my uniform at work but always change into and out of it there.

      I went shopping afterwards. I felt just as feminine without my bust and hips and no make-up. In fact I felt more comfortable dressed androgynously than in drab. I guess it’s just my head catching up to my body, but I definitely see more of my feminine features in my currently all male body.

       

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #94732
      DeeAnn Hopings
      AMBASSADOR

      That would seen to represent a shift in terms of realization and acceptance. Or said another way, settling into your groove…

      2 users thanked author for this post.
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