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Hello Ladies,
I was reading another post about friends\family telling a trans woman she is selfish for coming out and wanting to transition. It hit a cord with me as I do at times feel selfish for wanting to be my authentic self.
A little background to put things into context. I have been wearing women’s clothes all my life. I stopped dressing about 15 years ago (another story for another time). Marriage and family kept me busy and I was playing the male role I was supposed to be playing. But the inner girl was always in the back of my mind. I became more moody, depressed at times, angry, and used alcohol to numb the pain. Although at the time I didn’t\couldn’t process that I was depressed or moody it was just me. I started to really struggle with these feelings of wanting to dress, to be a woman earlier this year. I found CDH, now TGH, went to see a therapist to work out who I was. I figured out I am a trans woman. I’ve started to accept who I am and have been a much happier person. Back to my original point.
I recently went out in public as Angela and it was one of the best days of my life. I would love to live the rest of my life as a woman But I need to come out to my wife and family first. Which I am planning to do. But I feel selfish that I may ruin my marriage and my family. I think that I should do what is expected and suck it up and not rock the boat. But I think about how normal I felt as I went shopping and drove around as Angela. It was a great feeling to be my true self. I had a breakdown/meltdown a few weeks ago and cried for an hour thinking of how I am going to ruin things but conversely thinking I can’t put Angela back into the closet.
Do you girls feel selfish wanting to transition? Am I wrong for wanting to be my true self? I made this life for my family yet I’m willing to risk it all just for me. I feel selfish thinking the only person that will be happy is me and everyone else may be sad and hurt.
Thanks for listening to my rant.
Hugs,
Angela
Hi Angela,
Being truly selfish is going ahead without regard for the effect on others. Clearly you care about them too much to press ahead blindly. Like you, I feel I’m being selfish – yet without making space for me I’d become so intolerable that others would end up being hurt. Our solution has been to reach some sort of compromise.
I can’t say what might be right for you and yours, but maybe some of my background might help you in your search for your solution. I don’t know what stage your family is at; that makes a difference. Our young now have families of their own, but we’re all very close and see (and support) each other a lot.
I wrestled with the same dilemma. I don’t want to lose my family. After all, they were the reason I held back (long story for another time). And they have just as much invested in our relationships as I do, so any change was going to be tough on all of us. Yet, I want to present as female, and over time that ‘want’ has become ever more acute and is gradually turning into ‘need’.
All my life I’d kept it secret. The only time I’d ever tried telling anyone was pretty disastrous, so it took a personal crisis to force me into talking about it. I explained the problem to my wife and told her not just the backgound but also how important she and our family are to me. I asked her for enough understanding that I could wear some of my female clothing when I found myself getting too stressed. I admitted that this was selfish, in that I was effectively asking her to take over some of the stress I couldn’t handle. It didn’t go down well. My wife was stunned; she felt let down; she felt betrayed; she felt her future had been stolen from her. And all of that was fair. About the only good news that day was that she didn’t walk out.
A while further on, we’re still together. I present as male when anyone else is present, and I limit the extent to which I cross dress in my wife’s presence. She’s learned that the world doesn’t turn upside down if I do, and that it doesn’t affect how I feel about her. Yes I’m impatient for more (ideally moving on to hormone therapy) but I want to keep us together and for that the key seems to be to ensure she doesn’t feel threatened. So our compromise means that progress is slow, but it is progress; it will take us as far as it does, and that will have to suffice.
I hope you can find a balance that works for you and yours.
Hugs, Gwen
Angela,
The questions that follow are for you to consider for yourself and I’m not looking to receive an answer.How was your family handling your anger and depression? It’s virtually impossible to make someone else happy when you aren’t yourself. The word selfish is defined as:
Selfish – adjective (of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.
Is this a matter of profit or pleasure or is it something else? Is what you’re dealing with something more fundamental? Only you can answer these questions, but they’re best dealt with while working with a gender counselor. Most of us deal with this topic at some point or another in our journey and there is no right/wrong to it. There’s just your answer.
So, to answer your question of did I feel selfish, at first I did and it ate at me. When I finally dealt with my core, only then did I find my answer.
A multitude of hugs,
CloeHi Angela I know that feeling well.i agree with orhers it is not selfish to want to be happy. I have learned that those who love you want you to be happy. I went from feeling selfish to feeling guilt and anger at my self for just not being honest with myself long ago. I kept put it off hoping it would go away. Like you I just want to be happy. I noticed when I am happy those around me smile and want to talk with me. Having a therapist in my life helps alot. I am transitioning in my own way and at no special time frame. Thanks to others here at TGH and CDH i have come to understand and accept we are not alone. We are not crazy. What we are feeling is normal and there is no magic pill that will make these thoughts go away. I have stopped trying to be a better man and now i am learning to be a better woman.I am getting a second opportunity to get it right. This time being the right gender. I know that i have to make that happen nature some how got it wrong.Keep going forward Angela you are not alone. Letthose who love you see the real you. That is not being selfish that is a gift. Luv Stephanie
Hi Ladies,
Thank you for the thoughtful comments. A lot of what you said resonated. I appreciate you sharing. Knowing that I’m not alone in how I feel makes a world of difference. I am happier now that I’ve accepted my true self. My family has commented that I’m not so grumpy. My kidis older going to grad school. Being a millennial I think she may understand. I hope I can come to a compromise with my wife once I’m out to her. Until them I’m going to enjoy time with my family.
Hugs,
Angela
Hi, my name is Bobbie. My wife passed about 4 years ago. She was okay with me cross dressing. 3 years ago I met a lady who I really fell for. I waited a year and a half to tell her I was a cross dresser. Then about 6months later. Told her I was transgender. Last week I told her I was on hrt. All 3 times she has been mad as you know what. I don’t blame her. I thought if I showed her I love her she would accept me. She’s going with me to my counselor this week. I think I’ve ruined what could have been a great relationship. I’m 62. Can’t help feeling like I’m running out of time to be me. Selfish part is I should have been honest from the beginning. I see her part too. She fell in love with a man. Not a woman.
Hi Angela,
I guess I felt selfish at first, but I spent over 50 years being someone I was not to please everyone around me. So, after much discussion with my therapist, I told my family, freinds and co-workers I was transitioning and that was that. However, I also feel it is wrong to continue living a unhappy, unfulfilled life as we do become depressed and are unable to continue a healthy relationship with those around us.
Don’t feel that your being selfish for doing something for yourself that you know needs to be done to free yourself from your own personal misery. You will be a much better person in the long run if your happy within yourself. But I do strongly recommend a good gender therapist!!
Hi Breanna, thanks for the words of encouragement. I’m seeing a therapist and she tells me the same thing you did, being unhappy will make those around me unhappy.
Hugs,
Angela
Yes, I went thru the same feelings but I was sick and tired of living the life I was living. I was no longer giving anything of myself to those around me, only taking from everyone. Now, today, in a short 8 months of living/working as a trans woman 24/7 on HRT, I am much happier than I’ve been in years!!! Good Luck and if I can help just send me a message!!
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