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This was hard question for me to answer when I started therapy? Why? It was something I felt was right for me, but why. What would I gain by starting a life as a girl? Even now that I made the big leap 3 years ago and never been so happy – if just this pandemic would end so we all could get back to life. I still can’t really put in words why I am so much happier. Anybody explain why for you? I know cuz I started real young it was easy for me to pass as I was not big as a guy and after being on blocker and hormones and letting my hair grow. But i know from reading other people’s stories it has been hell. Why do we go through with this? My therapist keeps coming back to this as we consider the next big step that is of course surgery.
Any thoughts?
Kathi,
That is a great question to put on here.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Your question made me reflect about myself when I woke this morning. Not because I am questoning myself, but because after a lifetime of secrecy I am very close to surgey myself. Since my epiphany moment that changed my life about four years ago I have been on the path towards truely becomeing the the person that I have always been. I simply was not able to accept that, or understand my internal feelings and emotions. They became suppressed for a lifetime, feeling bad about myself and all the usual things that we do and create in our mind that keeps us trapped in that place, in my case far too long!</p>
When I read your post in the new feed this morning, it rang like a bell in my mind, immediately bringing all my focus into what got me to where I am now.It all started late in 2016, when I was able to understand and realise that I had never loved myself or had devoted time to caring about myself. I had never felt loved, uncertain that I loved anyone else or that they loved me! I have been married twice with two loely children and had a third long relationship which broken down like my two marriages had done.
From that point onward I found my true self, I was able to understand my whole life and be hapy with who I was, no need to hide anything about myself anymore. The weight that had been lifted from my spirit and soul was evident by it’s absence and a great sesnse of elation took place which I’ve retained since.
It trnsformed my life beyond my imagination. I am living that life and so very happy to be my true self at last. The thought of having surgey in the early part of next year fills me with such emotion, to know that I am so close to realising a dream. What an incredible journey and one that is not over by any measure. I am moving forward and upward continuously, my life so rich and fulfilled it takes my breath away at times.
Good luck with you own journey and discovery. I’m not sure if this may help answer any of your own questions, but I write from the heart and offer my thoughts and experiences to help you and others here.
Thank you for posting such a key question in the forum, which I hope attracts more insights from others to show the different ways that we can reach this point in our thinling and life
Love and hugs
Sophie
Thanks Sophie. I thought if I seem so sure that this is right for me, but can’t really describe why in words, it might help others to think about it. I suspect those of us who have had therapy have been asked this probably often by the therapist. Luckily my therapists have obviously understood why for me even though I have trouble expressing why beyond it is just being the real me. The next step for me is the big step – surgery. And I think that is becoming clearer for me. I want to legally be a female. change that M to F on my ID so it is no longer a worry that I might slip up. Before the pandemic hit last March, being around my friends who only knew me as a girl, as I was really starting to get interested in dating guys, but scared to if a guy somehow touched me where I don’t yet want to be touched. The pandemic has kept schools closed here, but when it is over, I really want to start dating. I really want as normal a female life as I can have meaning love and marriage and maybe even adoption so I can be a mother.
My whole life has been wrapped around being a girl. At the age of 4 my 3 year old sister and I were using our mother’s makeup and jewelry. She and I would dress in her princess dresses and run around the house and ask if we were beautiful. That was the last time that I was happy as a child. At age 5, I was sent to aversion therapy since the phycologist convinced my parents I would be cured; I lost most of my 5 year old life. It did not cure me but it did push me deep into the closet.
Throughout my life I would escape from an oppressive reality by dressing as a girl. This would give me a sense of peace that I could not obtain by any other means. When I would dress as a girl in silky undergarments and heels I would close my eyes and run my hands down my sides and imagine it was the real me.
As life went on I would dress at every opportunity which was almost every day. When I would see a girl in beautiful clothes I would visualize myself in those clothes. This created such a longing in me that when I would get a chance to dress it would be a bittersweet experience . Growing up introverted I had no close friends; close friends require you to open up yourself to others. How could a young person tell their friends they were different; that they were a person that society deemed to be a pervert. Going through a store and seeing a display of women’s dresses I would often stand there mesmerized; but then after several minutes would get deathly afraid someone would ask why I was looking longingly at something that I could not have.
No child wants to be deemed as different. No child wants to be sent to school wearing jeans when the current style of clothing is corduroys; and then wearing corduroys when everyone else has shifted back to jeans. No child wants to be seen as different. I never felt part of male groups; I never had a desire to have a man cave or play organized sports. I wanted to be accepted by female groups but as a male I did not fit in. This created a very lonely experience.
For the twenty years before I came out I should have been diagnosed as clinically depressed. There was nothing good or happy about my life. I would bury those feelings and have no sense of self worth. I was the person that I hated most in life. As those twenty years progressed gender dysphoria continued to get worse. The five years before I came out there were often thoughts of hurting myself just to escape from the reality of not living as myself.
Life did not become easy simply by coming out to myself and accepting that I was trans. I often wanted to push my female self back into the neat little box that would allow me to keep my true self hidden and continue to fit into a male society. But the girl in me would not go back in. Like the prisoner who got caught again after doing their time and would kill themselves rather than being imprisoned again.
Now that I started on my transition and I am living full time as a female with 18 months of HRT behind me I have learned to like myself. I now have the peace that eluded me for the previous 55 years.
How many reasons do I need for transitioning. My whole life experience has been a reason to transition. You may be able to relate to some things in my life, though everyone’s transition is a little different. Hopefully I have given you some thoughts about your own transitioning.
Anonymous…
I can relate to most of what you wrote… however, as you say, a little different.
I’m very much an Introvert… and had a very lonely childhood. No close friends… Parents showed very little affection… father a dictator narcissist. Brother had his own friends…
Had weight issues and developed Gynecomastia into my teen years. As you mentioned, no child wants to be ‘different’. However, I was very much, different. How I made it through all that without depression/anxiety is beyond me.
On top of all that… gender issues… a Woman in a mans body… Oh how I wish it were all different…
Love,
Gen ❤
I guess for me it’s very simple , to be complete body and mind .
Terri
I suspect that for most trans people it is not a “want”. It is a “need”. For many the mismatch between the physicality and the mental aspects of their being cause considerable dysphoria. You can’t live in that continual turmoil, so something has to happen in order to help bring that into alignment.
Hi DeeAnn…
Wow… what you wrote is almost identical to the last paragraph in my post. We are on the same wavelength girl.
Love,
Gen ❤
However, it is important to note that this is not the case for everyone. For me, I have never felt that I was in the wrong body as it wasn’t part of my thinking. If I do have any dysphoria, it is at a near undetectable level.
But, what I finally came to realize is that I have always been this amalgam of male and female energies, perspectives, likes/dislikes and thought processes. I cannot separate them. For me it translates to one persona which is the only one there is.
I have no plans to physically transition, but I have essentially socially transitioned. The only thing left to do would be to change my name legally, but I have little interest in that and very little compelling need. Of all the things I could invest my time and energy in, this is way down the list. I am known as DeeAnn in all of the civic, charitable, political and recreational organizations of which I am a part. I only present as Don under very particular circumstances: taking my car for service, going to get my vaccinations, etc.
This is a wonderful question and very thought provoking. When I dress as a woman, I feel congruent with my inner self. I do not feel this when I present as a male. When I am totally congruent, it is like a summer day when the sun shines warmly on your body, the birds are singing and your favorite song is on the radio. To me, it feels like this is how I was meant to be and live.
The thing is I don’t really want to transition! I have fought it for years for a number of reasons!!! The thing is at least for me at least “want” doesn’t have a thing to do with it!!!! I “ want ” my feelings of needing to be Kimmi to go away and they did…… briefly but no longer!!!!! I “ want “ my feelings of panic to go away and for a while they did…….briefly!!
Now my feelings of needing to be me and my feelings of panic grow stronger each day, more insistent each day. For me It is no longer about “ WANT “ it is “MUST “ .
This week in a discussion with someone on line. A “bible Scholar “ told me that the reason I will go to hell when I transition is that God doesn’t look kindly at this elective surgery. When I reach the point of surgeries they will be as life saving as my cancer surgery was 5 years ago.
I feel as though this group for me at least is a life preserver in tears I am thanking all y’all with the deepest gratitude!!❤️
If you are struggling with your gender identity and your faith, maybe listen/watch some some talks by Paula Stone Williams on youtube. She has done a couple of Ted talks one on her gender identity with her son Jonathan, and on on her gender identity and sexism. I also saw a video of her at a Christian conference with her son Jonathon discussing her identity and how they both came to terms with it within their faith. They are both Christian pastors.
Emotionally and spiritually I have always felt more aligned with women than men. I love the feelings, the clothing, the makeup, the shoes and more importantly the attitudes and behaviors of being a woman. I want the full female experience. I want to participate in female activities I want to be the authentic me. For me transitioning is coming to late. I am 64 so physically transitioning is not practical but I have considered hrt. I want to enjoy my authenticity. This is not about sexuality, this is about being me. I think about living as a woman every day I’m comfortable with the idea and when I am Annie, I am at piece and happy
Hello Folks
I can relate to virtually everything posted here. It took me nearly 40 years to take the plunge and come out as a trans woman. I too had self harmed, attempted suicide many times and felt forced to live with a massive secret.
But no longer. I’ve been officially Melanie Jane for about 9 months now but have been living as a woman since February 2017.
I can remember staring longingly at women’s clothing in department stores, especially lingerie and stockings. I would wonder what it felt like to wear them. Well, now I know: Amazing! Liberating! The Real Me! I don’t have to hide anymore and I am no longer shuffling along under a heavy burden of guilt and shame that society was trying to force upon me.
They say that everything has its time and my time has only just begun. My mum is still struggling to accept me as her daughter but the rest of my family are getting on board with it. I have found an accepting church as well so I am happier right now than I have ever been.
Xx from Melanie
As a small child, I envied the girls… the pretty dresses they wore, the games they played, how they smelled, how they looked with their long locks in pretty colorful bows.
Being born a GB… those things were off limits to me😢. I was ‘told’ to wear drab and play boys games. These games, usually were a bit violent and very competitive. I am not a violent, nor competitive person. Never wanted to play sports… just wanted to play with the girls…
As an early teen, again, I envied the girls… with their makeup, beautiful long hair in wonderful styles and designer clothes. The perfume… those beautiful long finger nails with gorgeous nail polish. Oh how I longed to be a girl…
Now here I am, 57 y/o… admiring girls/women of all ages being themselves without ridicule from the general populace. Wearing both traditional feminine clothing… and, more often than not, traditional masculine clothing. Having their cake and eating it also.
I’ve been secretly wearing feminine clothing on and off since the age of 3. The last few years has been every day. I shy away from being out in public dressed as the woman I am for fear of ridicule from those CMB’s.
I truly believe that I’m a Woman in a GB’s body. Longing for the correct physical parts.
So you ask ‘Why’ do we want to Transition??? The answer is simple… to align our physical appearance with our inner Woman. To be at peace with one’s self.
Love,
Gen ❤
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