- December 17, 2020 at 9:44 pm #91678Kathi WyckoffParticipant
This was hard question for me to answer when I started therapy? Why? It was something I felt was right for me, but why. What would I gain by starting a life as a girl? Even now that I made the big leap 3 years ago and never been so happy – if just this pandemic would end so we all could get back to life. I still can’t really put in words why I am so much happier. Anybody explain why for you? I know cuz I started real young it was easy for me to pass as I was not big as a guy and after being on blocker and hormones and letting my hair grow. But i know from reading other people’s stories it has been hell. Why do we go through with this? My therapist keeps coming back to this as we consider the next big step that is of course surgery.
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- December 18, 2020 at 7:44 pm #91701DeeAnn HopingsAMBASSADOR
I suspect that for most trans people it is not a “want”. It is a “need”. For many the mismatch between the physicality and the mental aspects of their being cause considerable dysphoria. You can’t live in that continual turmoil, so something has to happen in order to help bring that into alignment.
- December 18, 2020 at 9:22 am #91691Terri WernerFREE
I guess for me it’s very simple , to be complete body and mind .
- December 18, 2020 at 8:53 am #91689Jamie HarrisSILVER
My whole life has been wrapped around being a girl. At the age of 4 my 3 year old sister and I were using our mother’s makeup and jewelry. She and I would dress in her princess dresses and run around the house and ask if we were beautiful. That was the last time that I was happy as a child. At age 5, I was sent to aversion therapy since the phycologist convinced my parents I would be cured; I lost most of my 5 year old life. It did not cure me but it did push me deep into the closet.
Throughout my life I would escape from an oppressive reality by dressing as a girl. This would give me a sense of peace that I could not obtain by any other means. When I would dress as a girl in silky undergarments and heels I would close my eyes and run my hands down my sides and imagine it was the real me.
As life went on I would dress at every opportunity which was almost every day. When I would see a girl in beautiful clothes I would visualize myself in those clothes. This created such a longing in me that when I would get a chance to dress it would be a bittersweet experience . Growing up introverted I had no close friends; close friends require you to open up yourself to others. How could a young person tell their friends they were different; that they were a person that society deemed to be a pervert. Going through a store and seeing a display of women’s dresses I would often stand there mesmerized; but then after several minutes would get deathly afraid someone would ask why I was looking longingly at something that I could not have.
No child wants to be deemed as different. No child wants to be sent to school wearing jeans when the current style of clothing is corduroys; and then wearing corduroys when everyone else has shifted back to jeans. No child wants to be seen as different. I never felt part of male groups; I never had a desire to have a man cave or play organized sports. I wanted to be accepted by female groups but as a male I did not fit in. This created a very lonely experience.
For the twenty years before I came out I should have been diagnosed as clinically depressed. There was nothing good or happy about my life. I would bury those feelings and have no sense of self worth. I was the person that I hated most in life. As those twenty years progressed gender dysphoria continued to get worse. The five years before I came out there were often thoughts of hurting myself just to escape from the reality of not living as myself.
Life did not become easy simply by coming out to myself and accepting that I was trans. I often wanted to push my female self back into the neat little box that would allow me to keep my true self hidden and continue to fit into a male society. But the girl in me would not go back in. Like the prisoner who got caught again after doing their time and would kill themselves rather than being imprisoned again.
Now that I started on my transition and I am living full time as a female with 18 months of HRT behind me I have learned to like myself. I now have the peace that eluded me for the previous 55 years.
How many reasons do I need for transitioning. My whole life experience has been a reason to transition. You may be able to relate to some things in my life, though everyone’s transition is a little different. Hopefully I have given you some thoughts about your own transitioning.
- December 18, 2020 at 3:42 am #91680Kathi WyckoffFREE
Thanks Sophie. I thought if I seem so sure that this is right for me, but can’t really describe why in words, it might help others to think about it. I suspect those of us who have had therapy have been asked this probably often by the therapist. Luckily my therapists have obviously understood why for me even though I have trouble expressing why beyond it is just being the real me. The next step for me is the big step – surgery. And I think that is becoming clearer for me. I want to legally be a female. change that M to F on my ID so it is no longer a worry that I might slip up. Before the pandemic hit last March, being around my friends who only knew me as a girl, as I was really starting to get interested in dating guys, but scared to if a guy somehow touched me where I don’t yet want to be touched. The pandemic has kept schools closed here, but when it is over, I really want to start dating. I really want as normal a female life as I can have meaning love and marriage and maybe even adoption so I can be a mother.
- December 17, 2020 at 10:51 pm #91679SophieFRMANAGING EDITOR
That is a great question to put on here.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Your question made me reflect about myself when I woke this morning. Not because I am questoning myself, but because after a lifetime of secrecy I am very close to surgey myself. Since my epiphany moment that changed my life about four years ago I have been on the path towards truely becomeing the the person that I have always been. I simply was not able to accept that, or understand my internal feelings and emotions. They became suppressed for a lifetime, feeling bad about myself and all the usual things that we do and create in our mind that keeps us trapped in that place, in my case far too long!</p>
When I read your post in the new feed this morning, it rang like a bell in my mind, immediately bringing all my focus into what got me to where I am now.
It all started late in 2016, when I was able to understand and realise that I had never loved myself or had devoted time to caring about myself. I had never felt loved, uncertain that I loved anyone else or that they loved me! I have been married twice with two loely children and had a third long relationship which broken down like my two marriages had done.
From that point onward I found my true self, I was able to understand my whole life and be hapy with who I was, no need to hide anything about myself anymore. The weight that had been lifted from my spirit and soul was evident by it’s absence and a great sesnse of elation took place which I’ve retained since.
It trnsformed my life beyond my imagination. I am living that life and so very happy to be my true self at last. The thought of having surgey in the early part of next year fills me with such emotion, to know that I am so close to realising a dream. What an incredible journey and one that is not over by any measure. I am moving forward and upward continuously, my life so rich and fulfilled it takes my breath away at times.
Good luck with you own journey and discovery. I’m not sure if this may help answer any of your own questions, but I write from the heart and offer my thoughts and experiences to help you and others here.
Thank you for posting such a key question in the forum, which I hope attracts more insights from others to show the different ways that we can reach this point in our thinling and life
Love and hugs
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