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My whole life I have wished on a falling star. From the times I did it as a little kid to the first time I looked out the window at my grandparents house when I was there with my dad and wished I would wake up and be the girl I felt I was. Well you can guess the wishes did not come true. Every night I made my wish, and every morning I woke still looking like a little boy.
I just recently remembered this wish as I was reflecting what has come of my life. Now wishing that one wish that would have just made my world the world I would have loved, if it was just meant to be. My future can be fulfilling if I make the efforts to make my wish come true, but the price I have paid to be here today seems I am destine to hurt for a feeling of normalcy that even before, I could not achieve.
I don’t know why I don’t feel I belong in this world, I spend day and night trying to find reasons to continue living this life that in many ways seems pointless to live. I imagine what my world would be if I had just been granted that one wish. I would have still had children, they would still be mine, I would have been a loving mother, I would have that bond with my child that only a mother who carried them for nine months can have. Another memory and another wish that can’t come true.
I once held my son while dressed, and as I held him close, I gazed over this wonderful creature and wished that I had been the one to give birth to him. Telling him how much I loved him and though I cant be his mother, I will be the best father I can be for him. It has been hard to live life, and tell my wife that I would do anything just to trade places with her. And at the same time wishing she would appreciate the fact that what she resents about begin a woman, some people like me would do anything to be the woman she doesn’t want to be.
Being a woman to me is more that the model body, how big my breast are, how long my hair is or what color my toes are today. Its being disappointed that I don’t value being a man, and woman out there who do not value what they are and can tell me that I can’t be a woman.
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Jasmine, thank you for your post. It touched me and mirrored much of my experience.
I was raised a devout Catholic and I can remember as a young boy asking God to change me into a girl as I fell asleep each night. This wasn’t something that I sought or wanted. It simply was. And it wasn’t something that I could talk to anyone about. As the second of 5 sons, femininity was in short supply in my family home. As I grew older, I guess I resigned myself to the reality of my life and my prayer changed. I stopped asking Him to change me into a girl and started praying for him to show me how to manage the dichotomy between who I am and who the world around me wants and expects me to be. I tried to become the best husband, father and grandfather that I could be. Over the years, I guess I tried everything to silence the pesky woman inside me demanding to live. But it was all an act…it wasn’t me. And ironically, today, at almost 65, I find myself again praying that God will change me into the woman that I have always known myself to be. Otherwise, I fear that when my life comes to an end, I will be left with the realization that I never really lived.
Dawn
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As a child or my own true faith, God made us all perfect. In saying that, I believe we are all created to be what we are. In all else honesty, I really doubt the devil or any lack of faith is a reason why we are transgender. I think that it is a bit weird to say that the dysphoria we feel of is a gift, which it can be, or a curse, which it can be. Its mostly about our own ability to willingly accept ourselves and the challenges we face. These are the true tests of our lives.
So please don’t think the peaky woman you had to silence was ever silenced. She lived life right there with you. With acceptance of yourself you will eventually realize that you body is just a body that can be changed at will, but your mind can’t be change, you and her are one, the same, the person you are, the entity that lived a life and survived. Many of us have our prayers answered and live to die a natural death, leaving behind legacies of our natal teachings. She mothers through fathers eyes. That may not seem true all the time, but behind the hurt and resentment of our families, we still pass on the better teachings of who we are. Just not the acceptance for all that is different, which could be a result of our inability to accept ourselves.
Wow! I love my wife so much and I don’t want to lose her but…….I am beginning to wonder if she was not correct when she announced to a few family members on Facebook that we were getting a divorce by mutual agreement. She was sacrificing her happiness so I can move forward with HRT and transitioning. I struggle with this every day even as I begged her to stay and told her that I would forgo the transition and be happy with just dressing. Every day I feel that I am selfish because I want both, happiness with her and happiness to be who I am. Counseling will eventually help with this but I believe that only God can help me find peace within my heart and mind. My soul is not my own it seems. Am I destined to be half of who I am? Can God truly help me decide? Will I have to sacrifice the one true love of my life just for my soul to be whole? Am I strong enough for this? I know the choice and decision is mine to make but I feel so lost and it grows stronger daily. I just want to scream and rage at this world so cruel that I am who I am but cannot see the true path for me! She saved my life as I was In a downward spiral into the bottom of a Scotch bottle. When we met I was drinking a bottle of Scotch in 2 days amd
prog
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Danielle, I’m a spiritual person too and struggled with God for many years over how I felt inside before I found peace. If you would like to chat 1-1 I’d be more than glad to share my jourey with you.
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Hi Cloe,
I would
love to chat 1 on 1 . Currently I am waiting for my wife to mull over a few things we talked about yesterday. After my counseling session last Friday I had made a decision to not get GRS but do HRT and come to an agreement with my wife. Well, I know we will be approaching our family physician to get me a referral to see an endocrinologist. Then we talk to the endocrinologist about HRT and how we can maintain my libido with such low T when we stop the T shots. Normal T for my age is 900, low T high end is 300. My T level without shots is 130. With shots I am in the 600 range. So this is where the endocrinologist comes in and we determine what dose of E I can take to achieve both goals, good libido, less hairy, and feminization. Then we can start HRT, hopefully by the end of the year as I have been hoping to do. After that my next step is hair replacement and FFS. If I need Lipo to give me proper curves so be it! These and even Adam’s apple reduction plus vocal chords reduced too. I think she would be agreeable to most if not all, especially if my work insurance would cover the 90% in network. All surgeries should be possible in network. So we are going to talk about this tonight , find a few websites to explain the procedures and outcomes then discuss it. I have to check on my work policies for transgender employees and whether we are protected or not. So here’s hoping that our 1 on 1 will be a lovely chat and I know how lucky I am to have her with me and so damn supportive. If we can achieve all of this then I can forgo the GRS because I don’t hate my genitals. I enjoy sex with my wife in many forms and whether I am dressed in hose and panties or naked our sex life is amazing and so is she. Sorry if this sounds so selfish but we are just good together she and I. I am crossing my fingers my insurance will cover these things and my work is Transgender safe. Love ❤️ and hugs 🤗
Danielle💋👠
Dang iPhone!!!! and progressing faster. Not the cheap Scotch but $80 bottles of good 12 year old Scotch. We also found that our compatibility is strong. We are on the same wavelength. We think the same things at the same time and say the same things too. We have been married for only a little over 6 years too. So I am lost! Am I fooling myself and shaming her because I am not strong enough? Thanks for listening to my new dilemma.
Danielle
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Danielle,
for me as I let go of the mask, the man I created, the guilt also eased. My wife knew, maybe yours did to, she may have saw me as a man before and when she opened her eyes to see the real me, she sees a woman maybe. I say that cause in her mind she will never truly accept me.
Don’t feel guilty for wanting to hold on to her, but understand that maybe you both desire the same kind of relationship, one that you may not be ready to accept. But that may change in time. But respect her wishes, that if she want to accept the end of your relationship let it be. She may also love you enough to know more about you and sees the trouble having accepting your desire to be the woman you want and know you are.
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Jasmine, that is very insightful and most likely true. She was adamant about letting me move on but I am reluctant to let go. My thoughts are difficult to sort through beyond taking it one day at a time. I am hoping that if we can get counseling together the future will be a whole lot clearer than right now. I understand that while the counseling will help sort things it may reveal that the best course is for us to divorce. In the end I cannot hold her in our marriage if she doesn’t want to stay. The rational piece of my mind knows this but the emotional part is fighting it. Since I have admitted to myself the fact of who I am I have found I have more emotions than I thought possible which is so surprising. Your other post about remembering our lost family members really affected me when I replied. I haven’t cried that hard in decades!
I want to thank you Veronica, and Cloe for all of the support which you have given me and everyone else on this site and on CDH. I am humbled to be able to know you and all of the ladies on both sites. Thank you so much for opening your heart and giving us insight into yourself. That brought me to see some things I hide and do not want to acknowledge but I need to if I want to be me, myself and I! You are a truly beautiful person and woman. 💋👠🤗❤️
Danielle
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My greatest disappointment is with not being able to maintain the one relationship that meant the most to me, more so that the disappointment that I should have dealt with my dysphoria when it really hit me in my 20’s.
I cherish that I was blessed with 2 wonderful children and a grandson and that I am now able to pursue being my true self without fear that I will be committed an lobotomized. We’ve come a long day due to many who were far braver than myself.
Cloe,
There was a night that I call the fork in the road. I was working, watering a yard for one of my grandfathers clients. Shortly after meeting my future wife. She was a little drunk or maybe really drunk. But she came to ask for forgiveness for sleeping with a guy that we knew. I was still freshly trying to figure out if I should continue dating her, as she was my last hope to live a straight and arrow life. My mind was telling me no, break it off, you wont be happy, but my mask, my manhood, said no, being you will be painful and hard, a disappointment to your family. We know who one that battle!
Anyway, she was my last true female love, and I feel bad that when I decided to stay with her, I had already started living a lie. One that many years later I would have to own up to. I love my children I had with her, but sometimes think that if I had be truthful with her and myself, would I be here today? I don’t want to think about the darkness that comes along with the answer of that question. And like you, I am happy now that I get my chance to live an authentic life. I still love that woman I married even though over the years she changed as much as I did. I try not to be disappointed that I wasn’t man enough for here, but I am disappointed I wasn’t woman enough to respect her feelings.
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Well said my friend. Being a nurturing human being is not about fancy clothes, expensive cars and houses. It is about caring for others, sharing love, helping when needed, and knowing when to let them go all the while keeping an eye on them.
I too am greatly disappointed in the world….it has turned ugly and vicious. The star I wished upon was called a magnesium flare dropped from Puff the Magic Dragon to light up our world and expose the enemy…whom I wished would not be there….but always seemed to be there. Sigh….another night of killing for no earthly reason.
Enjoy what you can my friend, for all too soon it will be over and the destruction, viciousness and uncaring will go on. In 10,000 years of recorded history, there was only 39 minutes when there was no war in this world. Sigh……
Dame Veronica
Dame Veronica Graunwolf
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