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My whole life I have wished on a falling star. From the times I did it as a little kid to the first time I looked out the window at my grandparents house when I was there with my dad and wished I would wake up and be the girl I felt I was. Well you can guess the wishes did not come true. Every night I made my wish, and every morning I woke still looking like a little boy.
I just recently remembered this wish as I was reflecting what has come of my life. Now wishing that one wish that would have just made my world the world I would have loved, if it was just meant to be. My future can be fulfilling if I make the efforts to make my wish come true, but the price I have paid to be here today seems I am destine to hurt for a feeling of normalcy that even before, I could not achieve.
I don’t know why I don’t feel I belong in this world, I spend day and night trying to find reasons to continue living this life that in many ways seems pointless to live. I imagine what my world would be if I had just been granted that one wish. I would have still had children, they would still be mine, I would have been a loving mother, I would have that bond with my child that only a mother who carried them for nine months can have. Another memory and another wish that can’t come true.
I once held my son while dressed, and as I held him close, I gazed over this wonderful creature and wished that I had been the one to give birth to him. Telling him how much I loved him and though I cant be his mother, I will be the best father I can be for him. It has been hard to live life, and tell my wife that I would do anything just to trade places with her. And at the same time wishing she would appreciate the fact that what she resents about begin a woman, some people like me would do anything to be the woman she doesn’t want to be.
Being a woman to me is more that the model body, how big my breast are, how long my hair is or what color my toes are today. Its being disappointed that I don’t value being a man, and woman out there who do not value what they are and can tell me that I can’t be a woman.
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