How Life Can Fool Us

I sit here writing this with my mind going in a million different directions.

Recently, I have been thrilled with little things. like finding this wonderful site and the friendship that has been offered to me here, and “test driving” my new heels and skirt-blouse combo. I have recently started seeing a gender therapist — a difficult task here in Saskatchewan — and am preparing to soon start on HRT. Finally, a light at the end of the tunnel on this long difficult journey. All is right with the world. I should be on an emotional high like never before, and I was.

Then the news came. Dad has stage four cancer in his lung and bones.

En Femme Style

Just when life is starting to look up, it turns around and kicks you in the teeth. I have lost the elation I had with the thrill of my HRT and even the new shoes are looking dull and blah.

We are all familiar with depression. I doubt there is one amongst us who has never felt the rainy day effects of it. I am all too aware of how it hits us and the pain it causes. For years, I didn’t know why I was the way I was, didn’t have a glimmer of hope that I would ever feel right in my own body.

Over time, I learned that there is hope, there is a path for us to follow. It is not an easy path by any means, but it leads to fulfillment. With all the struggles we endure and the setbacks we encounter, we ask ourselves if it is all worth it. Most of us agree that it is. We have highs and lows but, for the most part, we see the journey as a path to peace of mind. I have for so long felt that mine was the most difficult path to walk. Sometimes, however, life has a way to remind us that our struggles are really insignificant in the greater scope of things.

For me, it took this harsh slap in the face to get me to realize that, while my struggles are real and my path is a difficult one to walk, it is a path I walk by choice. I could have chosen to suppress my true self and be what society said I should be, but that is not the path for me. I will deal with the depression and anxiety I am feeling. I will help my family during this hard time in our lives and, when the time comes, I will mourn for my loss and carry on.

I write this not to ask for anyone’s pity, but in hope that all who take the time to read this will understand that in the midst of the struggles and the issues and the pain and even hatred that we face, we can and will endure. When we look at what goes on in the world around us, we can see our journey as one of hope, and eventually, joy, as we walk with our heads up and with the knowledge that our life goes on. We can overcome all our moments of doubt, and fulfill our goals and dreams to be who we were meant to be.



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Winter Clark

I am a MtF Transgender who looks to learn from others and share my bits of wisdom.

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5 years ago

For all of my trans brothers and sisters,it can be a long and frighting path to tred,but you are not alone when you have connections to your trans brothers and sisters. I have walked this road for 71 years,through some very dark times,but i have survived, it was well worth the trip,but I know at times you might think you cannot make it,but you really are stronger than you think. some of the strongest people I have known have been my trans sisters and brothers over the years. there was a time I cursed god for my being trans,but these… Read more »

Reuby Bell
Reuby Bell(@reubyb)
5 years ago

I am right there with you, luv. I have lost many and hurt much. Depression has caused me to not sleep for three days at times. I know the pain you feel. I have also carried an emptiness in my heart and life, not knowing where my children were and if they thought of me. Now that has been resolved. I found them. They had to grow up without me and don’t need or want me. One actually hates me. This is sometimes feeling worse than all the losses. But online I have a huge caring family that sometimes crosses… Read more »

alan tharp
alan tharp(@brenda2222)
5 years ago

when i found out i had heart frailer, I knew my doctor would do nothing except let me die for after 10 heart attack and dying 5 time and open heart surgery, after all this and surviving I now found myself with the number one killer in health world. as my research progress I discover it was because of testosterone. Still lost on what to do until a new doctors ask a question that open up my childhood that I had block, and my sister send me a picture of me as a baby one that had been hidden for… Read more »

Reuby Bell
Reuby Bell(@reubyb)
5 years ago
Reply to  alan tharp

Your story is painful, Brenda. How cruel. I am glad you have survived. If you ever want to hurt yourself or kill yourself again, talk to me. I love you.

Reuby Louise

5 years ago

Winter, I was so sadden with your letter . I lost my mom last year ,Oct 4th and it has been very hard to deal with , she was my last and only kin . I feel like an orphan now. Stay in touch with us here as much as you can ,were are all friends here and ready to listen and talk . Always your friend Leslie.

Ginnie Gidlund
Ginnie Gidlund(@ginnirg)
5 years ago

It is a long way and many of us do have setbacks when all feels lost. And there is not much we can do about it. I just put in a “lower gear# for some time. I do think we all have swings in the mood and it is just a little worse when we have the hormonal “fight" inside us. I just took a coulle setps back and stayed there till I got the “solid ground2 uner my feet back again. So I even got back to normal whenn the final op failed and io be repeated about a… Read more »

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