Shame.
It’s the ephemeral spirit that haunts the transgender experience from the first moment our minds consider the path.
“It’s wrong,” thinks the four year old trying on his mother’s clothes for the first time, “I had better not tell anyone.”
“God please!” exhorts the nine year old, praying once more to wake up a girl, “change me so that noone ever knew.”
“I’m wrong,” thinks the teenager buying his first pair of pantyhose, “But maybe this is just a phase.”
“I can’t possibly go out like that,” pines the young adult stuck between his deepest need and society’s desires, “What if I see someone I know?”
“Maybe this will cure me,” hopes the groom to be, “Then I can finally put this secret to rest.”
“I have to tell her,” laments the husband, “The secret she knows are five years stale and losing the luster of truth. My heart is breaking.”
“What will they think?” ponders the agitated transgender woman as she contemplates telling her friends and family, “I’ll lose everything and everyone I love.”
“I’m not going to pass,” fears the newly minted women on her first day full time, “What if I never pass? How can I live with myself?”
“I don’t know how to tell him,” frets the post op transsexual about her first boyfriend, “There is no way he’ll accept me.”
Shame.
Through my transgender journey I’ve battled with it. On each victory it gave some ground, only to find more insidious ways to strike back. Shame went from something faced head on in the heat of battle, to an underground guerrilla movement stealthily sabotaging the infrastructure of my emotions.
I felt trapped by a force I couldn’t see. Paralyzed by a poison I never remembered taking. I feared getting close to people because I would eventually have to tell them. I stayed quite in a room so that my fledgling voice didn’t expose the deeper truth of my darkest secret.
I thought I had conquered my fears – what could be more daunting than telling all those you know and love? What could possibly come close to telling your coworkers and transitioning on the job? Then I started going out with a sweet and kind man. I had planned to tell him early on, but once I started liking him the fear set in. I delayed my truth for so long, that when I finally uttered the words it had become a lie.
I’m not going to be ashamed anymore!
As I utter these words I can already see shame retreating, scheming for new ways to thwart the happiness of my existence. This time it doesn’t bother me. I have tapped into the core of who I am, and no skulking and cowardly emotional demon is going to sap the joy from my life.
I say these words not in arrogance, but in recognition of the journey I have taken. With deep respect for who I am.
I am a wonderful person and a strong woman. I have overcome challenges in my life that most cannot even fathom. I have climbed over obstacles others never see and embraced great uncertainty with courage. I have plumbed the depths of my soul, and where others would look away, I have stared deeply into the truth of who I am.
Becoming myself is a magnificent accomplishment that noone can take away from me. I am proud to be me.
Be proud of yourself. No matter where on the journey you are, you have already defeated powerful enemies.
More Articles by Vanessa Law
- Scholar Program: Transgender Organization Leaders in the Workplace
- I Want to Live Like That
- Support Julie – Our August Trans Aid Recipient
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Latest posts by Vanessa Law (see all)
- Scholar Program: Transgender Organization Leaders in the Workplace - January 9, 2021
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“I have plumbed the depths of my soul, and where others would look away, I have stared deeply into the truth of who I am."
Vanessa, these words resonate deeply with me. You are a special woman. I don’t know you personally but your sharing your truth has made me feel so much love and respect for you.
Totally fantastic article… I feel the same way…I have to break this cycle, too.
So many great comments to read, I don’t know what to say that someone else hasn’t. I can say thank you again for everything you have done for me. Your Journey and your vision has taken me to new highs in life that I may have never experience if it hadn’t been for a newsletter that invited me to join your quest. Your story explains everything I am feeling, and setting me up for whats next. Knowing you did it, is the inspiration I and maybe many others need to just keep moving forward. With hope of a future that… Read more »
I am who I am , so I am not ashamed , my name is Edwina when i'm dressed , and I love Edwina , that is when I am most at ease with myself, relaxed and fulfilled.
Vanessa, this post just rocks ! It so resonated with me, except for the last stages. As I told my ex-wife before we married, and we split over other issues, I have yet to start hormones, and so far am definitely a lesbian, but as most women are comfortably bi, I'n not ruling anything out after going full-time and GRS. From 4 years onwards, I've been wanting, but fighting, needing for my physical life to be in harmony with the the inner Danielle, but guilty and ashamed. But no longer aand your post put it so perfectly in perspective. So… Read more »
Wow, This is all so new to me and yet I feel so confident about this for the very first time. I've only completely accepted the person that I know I am just a couple months ago. I've only told my girlfriend, who is nothing but proud of me for being brave enough to talk about it, and my mom, who seems to be nothing but worried… I'm still far too terrified to talk to anyone else, but for the fist time… I actually feel proud to be a woman… I felt like I was going crazy but… as strange… Read more »
Ugh… Stopping the Shame and the Lying have been my biggest motivators for change. Oh, and let's not forget their nasty little stepdaughter, Guilt. As I work to discover my authentic place in this whacky world every comforting step has been one that takes me away from the shame. It's still back there pretty close, but at least the direction I'm moving is better! Thanks Vanessa.
Yes, I dragged guilt along for a long time too. Though guilt faded faster for me, it can be just as deadly.
Keep walking further from shame Dianne.
We are all made perfect in the image of the universe, for in each of us the universe resides. We are from the stars and of the stars. Let our life force shine brightly!
I thank you soo much for publishing your thoughts! I have been running in shame for years now. I have finally committed to telling people up front who I am not even bothering for them to ask. Sometimes I think that I might lose them at that point but. . .
Well I never had them to start with so to speak. Thanks again and I'm really proud of your site. It has proven a goddess send for me.
A pleasure Rhonda, and thank you for the kind words – I try to use the mixed blessing/curse that the universe has given me to guide others through the torment of a transgender life.
Keep strong, true friends look past that to your soul inside.
Nice writing, Vanessa. I've not seen all the 'stages' put together in one place–from 4 year old to meeting potential partner. That was good.
I understood about the "secret" that one tells the wife having changed, from crossdressing as as secret to identification as a woman being the new "secret," making the old one outdated and somewhat of a lie.
But I don't understand how delay about telling the potential partner changes the fact of being a post-op trans woman. Delay doesn't make the information a lie, there. Can you clear up my confusion?
Thanks Anita!
The last one refers to a particular situation in my life, where I was getting to know my boyfriend pretty well, and then one of my friends dropped sufficient and copious hints about my history that he had an inkling before I could tell him. Then my plan to tell him and reveal the truth became the lie of not disclosing.
Vanessa I know your shame I had mine in the very beginning of my journey my family and friends and the collage I am attending are so supportive of me I live and work as a female just about full time now and this summer I am starting my hrt. Ps I am so glad you are sharing with your news letter. Love Vicky
Oh Vicky sweetie, I'm so happy that those around you are supportive. It makes the road so much easier. I pray blessings on you as you consider your next steps.
Good morning ladies. I'm in my 2nd year of my (what seems very slow) transition. I have had good support from my wife,my parents and my youngest daughter. (I have 4 children… all grown youngest is 18) I moved to very open glbt community in Ft. Lauderdale. Outside of work I live as a woman, I have made friends. I know I do not pass, but the happiness I feel and the closeness that it has brought my wife and I over rides the feeling of shame,fear and some of my insecurities. Work is the only place that I have… Read more »
Good morning love! I'm so happy you have the blessing of support from those closest to you!
It can be so hard to live a lie at work – I pray that you find the right timing to share who you are.
Blessings!
Distilled to its essence… Then we look back at all the energy and time wasted in fears we overcame.
I have been thinking about this problem of coming out to a new partner. They need to somehow be introduced to the concept of the transitioned woman in print, movie or real life and if they do not react in a positive way then you know that they are not the one for you…
Yes, it is indeed a tricky challenge to tell a partner. You are so right that all this time wasted in fear could have been better spent moving our life forward and creating loving connections. Ahh, to be old enough to know how mistaken you were when young 🙂
Dear Vanessa, U have taken correct dicision,may b its delayed because of fear,its not ur mistake,DOD has put u in such situation,go ahead and live ur life as u WISH. BEST OF LUCK.