Today has been one of those days; shower isn’t working, clock looks like an apple, and the dog casually strolls over to the neighbor’s lawn to relieve itself. Is this really happening? Is that clock really an apple or has it actually been fifteen hours and thirty-two minutes since I’ve last eaten.
I notice my lack of self-care to some extent, plain laziness, and just listening to the voice in my head wreaks havoc in my mind. My eyes blink repeatedly. I can’t stop thinking about who am I, where I am, and what I am. I don’t understand what is happening; when can I have my first shot!
People say I’m proud of you; you’re so brave, and then just like that they leave. My heart races and my head hurts as I look deep within myself. I’m not sure what I’m looking for. Where is my fishing rod, where is my hat? It’s none of these things, it’s me I’m looking for. I don’t fit in with the men, and I certainly don’t fit in with the women; it’s just me, all alone.
I can feel their eyes piercing my skin; they don’t look through me or look past me, and instead let their eyes drill through me. My skin sheds layer after layer leaving me depleted. I’m left trying to put one foot in front of the other. I’m frozen.
I’m angry; I want to destroy the garden with a machete. I’m running through pipes, there is a start and also an end, but I have no idea where the entry and exits can be found. Where is my shot!
For a long as I can remember, I have felt a certain amount of anger towards my brothers and sisters, as well as my parents, my teachers, and ok, maybe everyone else my entire life. I was never sure exactly why; I always thought it was just me and my angry face.
I remember from the age of seven until I turned twelve being outside without a shirt. I felt an absolute sense of freedom. I would ride my bike without a shirt, play in the dirt, and make boats to race in the storm gutters with my siblings when it rained. I loved being outside.
Then what I thought was the worst day of my life happened, I was told I had to wear a shirt when I left the house. No way was I happy about this; I couldn’t understand why I had to wear a shirt and the boys didn’t. I felt cheated and controlled. I felt forced by a universe to be something that I no longer wanted to be a part of.
I was told that girls had to wear shirts because they have breasts. As simple as this might sound to you, it wasn’t to me. It didn’t make any sense. In fact, I thought it was the stupidest statement I’d ever heard. I never asked for breasts, and as a child it bothered me and kept on bothering me for the next thirty two years.
Anyone who knows me will tell you for the first part of my life I was an extremely stressed child. I never knew what that even meant. But I always felt I needed to be on guard. I needed to look after my little sister, as I was the sixth child of seven. I had to be on the Lookout for something and anything from everyone. This part of my life was crazy; there’s so much I don’t remember.
I should also mention that in my early childhood between the ages of seven to ten, I was a victim of sexual abuse. In the fight, fly, and freeze mode, I froze. To this day, I don’t remember all that happened to me; some say that is a good thing, but it really isn’t. There is a huge chunk of my life that I have no recollection of. Four years of the same reoccurring dream. Scary times for a young child to live through.
So the anger, the resentment, the hurt, and fear, it all stayed with me. I’ve suffered through broken friendships, relationships, throwing money away as I moved from house to house. I went through so many career changes; a scattered life was the kind of path I was following. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone; a life where you are so unsure of your surroundings.
Early last year, I lost my aunty/godmother to cancer. Because of it, I ended up landing on a couch in a counseling room, weeping and sobbing not only for my beautiful aunty, but the lost child inside of me. It opened up a lot of memories for me, and I was in a position to see myself for who I was.
I’m a country boy who’s recently come out as a transgender male. I can now sit comfortably in my skin. I bind every day, I’m wearing a packer, and I feel liberated, vindicated. I love the land, bonfires, fishing, mowing lawns, and cattle, but most of all; I’ve learned to love myself for the man that I am today.
I still live in a small country town. I love the peace and quiet of the bushland, the rivers, the tractors, and the rodeos. The one thing I love is being in a position to live by myself and have something for me and not everyone else. I’ve never felt this before, and the possibilities are endless. I can’t wait to go through this journey of self-love and Transitioning.
It’s my time to Cowboy up.
More Articles by Chase Mackenzie
View all articles by Chase Mackenzie
Chase Mackenzie
Latest posts by Chase Mackenzie (see all)
- Is the Past in the Past? - April 8, 2019
- Living in my head…… - March 17, 2019
you know its a pity there wasnt a way to change one body for another, perhaps me being able to let you have my body a (male) in exchange for your body a (female) surely that would sole the problems…because let us not forget, its not all male to female…theres also girls looking for a male.. the feelings and desires are just the same…ahhh well one thing we can all do…is dream
That would be great if we could do that, and I agree it’s all the same the feeling of being in the wrong body. We will get there
Thank you for sharing Chase!! I can relate to a lot of your story! To love yourself what an amazing feeling, isn’t it? I love it!!
Awesome I’m glad you can relate I realise there are other people going through wat I’m going through, for a while I thought I was alone but I’ve come to see that I’m not alone and I’m not the only one. That feeling of loving yourself is the best your right, it’s like new life to me but still me 🙂
I hadnt realised there were so many…not only that but we all went through and have the same feelings…that has to mean something, wrong body and right mind
Shout out to brina the editor wat an amazing ride thank you for providing your expertise without you this wouldn’t be happening cheers brina 🙂
Thank you for the kind compliment!
Chase,
Thanks for the perspective from the opposite direction. I am still figuring out my own path and how far things need to go for me to be happy, but I envy those who know what they need and are moving towards it. Great writing too!
Cyn
Hi cyn thank you for this response I’ve never shared my writing before but I’m glad that I have, I feel like I can help people through my writing and wished I wasn’t so scared, but now I have done this I would like to do some more. Figuring or wat you want or need how to get there isn’t always easy I think I just hid away for so long that I couldn’t anymore
What a great article! Thank you for sharing our common space. You bring new another new voice to the transgender discussion. Welcome!
Thank you I’m glad you enjoyed my story, I’m glad my 1st piece of writing has been shared with you guys on this particular page it’s a great space to be
Great article Chase! It’s hard to be yourself when you’re not comfortable in your own skin. And it takes courage to embrace your true self when it runs counter to society’s expectations. I’m glad you’re finding your way.
April
Thank you so much I’m interested in so many different articles and stories not only mine in happy to tall to everyone and support each other back and forth. It does take courage and that all I’ve got at the moment so keep an eye out ill share more
Hi Chase thanks for sharing your story with us, reading it tells me that you have had a terrible childhood, i can’t understand what you have been through because my childhood wasn’t quite as bad as yours, most of mine was spent in and out of hospital with one illness after another or an accident or two i was a very sickly child I’m 65 now so I’ve servived a lot, all i know is things only get better when we start to like and love our self’s, when we do the anger starts to go, i hope things start… Read more »
Too true, things are taking off for me in every direction now that I’m starting to accept things as they are. Finding myself has been long overdue but we’ll worth it.