I had equivocated for months now. I knew how harsh a trial it would be, but still. I knew that my reflection was passably beautiful, but still. I heard others express shock at my decision, lending support to what I saw, but still.
When I looked in the mirror I saw every line that was out of place. The hints of my past tugged at my mind, reminding me that no matter how far I walked I would always look back and see where I started.
During yoga class my imperfections screamed loudest. As I stretched into half moon the moving meditation became a pitched battle to silence my demons.
I guess I should’ve known. My inner self-critic is well practiced. In a world where a woman’s body is expected to look like an airbrushed cover of a magazine, my faults were glaring beacons.
As days piled onto weeks my resolve became firm, “I would get facial feminization surgery“. I knew from the little research I had done so far that FFS generally required a bevy of procedures to achieve the desired look. It wasn’t sufficient to change a nose or a forehead – because a single change could leave one off balance and out of kilter.
I knew the next step would be to find a surgeon and start saving. Facial feminization surgery is not cheap, but paying top dollar for the best surgeon was a must for me. More than anything else, your face is the world’s window into your soul. It’s what people see every day. Without really thinking about it, it is you – what you taste, and see, and smell and hear. The very life giving breathe all depends on those tiny apparatus on your face. No, skimping on facial surgery was not in the cards for me.
And with that, my story begins. Over the next few weeks and months I will continue to share my journey through transgender surgery after transgender surgery.
I look forward to sharing this part of my transgender walk with you.
Love and blessings,
Vanessa
Latest posts by Vanessa Law (see all)
- Scholar Program – Transwomen’s Social Support for Medication Adherence - April 6, 2019
- One Day You’ll Wake Up - August 27, 2018
- Looking in the mirror – my road to facial feminization surgery - May 15, 2012
By any chance did you find a facial modeling program that could give you the ability to create your new face? I’d like something I could show FFS surgeons in consultations so that I don’t go into FFS without a clear goal of the end result.
I want to go all the way on this journey. I just wish I had begun 30 or more years ago.
I feel the same way, Amelia! Hugs…
The world was quieter back then(without internet). Its transition secrets were hard to crack.
Thank you for this post, on 2/8 I go in for eyelid and eyebrow surgery, lip lift and fat grafts, cheek fat grafts and bbl.
It’s such a scary time but I am determined to move forward in my journey
I’ve just starting .y journey, I’ve read many of the stories you all have written,And I find them helpful.
I look forward to being able to tell all of you about my journey. When my wife and daughter found out I’m transgender they did not take it well. It’s ended up with us getting divorced and my daughter hating me that part hurt. My son has special needs and doesn’t understand,I’ve not been aloud to see him since September when I was forced to leave my famliy
Hi Vanessa, I just left this on Tessa’s wall, but I thought I would ask you as well. I am 61, and am in the throws of all of it; name change and pierced ears were the first two things that I did. For medical reasons I had to wait to begin HRT, but have just celebrated my 6 month anniversary. Today, things got a little more real for me, as I scheduled my FFS consultation. Personally, my dysforia is with my face and of course my beard is the main culprit. My gender therapist asked me an interesting question,…”if… Read more »
These decisions have infinite perspectives. If your goal is to feminize your face then I would agree with you that you need to clear your facial hair before FFS. The process could take 2-3 years with laser, a little to a lot less with electrolysis. I’ve had electrolysis experts explain to me that laser isn’t permanent and hairs could regrow within 5 years. Laser is what I could afford so my choice was made. Did you choose your best path forward yet?
Thank you so much Vanessa for getting back to me.
Sorry to ask more questions but that was one places I was looking at.
If I am getting to personal, just say so and I’ll understand.
What procedures did you have done and approximate cost if possible.
I am in the process of seeking FFS in the near future.
If you wish to email me you can do so at
[email protected]
Thank you.
Elaine
To be honest dear I can’t remember the cost it’s been so long.
I went with what the doctor recommended for FFS (there were a few different things there, but he recommends different for everyone).
I also did the torso sculping (highly recommend, but probably not at the same time as FFS because it’s hard to do both from a recovery perspective).
I’d recommend sharing questions on the forums too, so more ladies can see them. I know many are considering FFS as well.
Thank you again Vanessa:
I appreciate the advise very much.
sincerely
EJ (Elaine)
Is it possible to give the name and location of the surgeon that did you FFS
Thank you.
Elaine.
Sure, I was cared for by Mark Zukowski (http://www.mlzukowskiffs.com/)
A brave jourmey for you Vanessa. So glad you can share with us.
Looking forward to your sucesses.
– Terri Anne
Thank you Terri Anne!
I hope to be able to do that someday… even tho the thought of surgery terrifies me… not to mention the cost… I fear I’ll never be able to afford to transition and always be stuck the way I am… honestly I would be content with just hormones… I admit that may change… for now I’m happy with being my true self on Facebook and the surprising amount of acceptance I’ve gotten from friends who knew me before I came out
<3 so glad you've found acceptance among your friends dear. That truly is the most precious part of the journey!
I was actually surprised by some of my friends who I thought would unfriend me over coming out… most just accept it… which is better than what my dad’s family did
Yes, each acceptance was a pleasant surprise, and a true blessing!
hi all im new here started my journey 6 months ago its a lonely path but i carry on hrt beginning to work thank god
David (Daphne), that’s about the point where I really started noticing significant change too; just last month actually. Looks like we’re at about the same stage in our physical journeys. Hope we can compare notes as we progress.
I have my first consultation with Dr Raul Jimenez Bellinger of Facial Team in November so I’m also following this thread with great interest.
Hugs
Scarlett xx
Thank you for your story Vanessa. I too look for a plastic surgeon to adjust some of my features. I wish to remove the bags under my eyes, repair my oft broken nose and try to remove some of lifes battle scars…but not all: they are hard earned and are a part of who I am and where I have been. A part of my soul and bodies struggle and search for enlightenment. I wish you all the best with your changes and hope all goes well. I look forward to meeting the new you.
Love…….
Dame Veronica
Thank you dear <3
Thank you for being so open and sharing this, Vanessa! I’m definitely looking at having to have FFS but I’m a long way from it. Unfortunately, my profession and fear of losing my career is making this entire process a lot longer than I want it to be. But I’m definitely looking forward to hearing and learning more. <3
You’re welcome dear, happy to share everything I can if it’s helpful. I hope you find a place where you can live an authentic life and still enjoy a prosperous career!
I too am considering the same procedure, along with others, so of course I want to hear every detail you can offer. Thanks for sharing this intimate, personal part of your life, in order to help others such as myself…Good luck and may everything go smooth and successful to your expectations….Erica
It’s a pleasure dear, good luck in your investigation! Talk to many folks and make as considered a decision as you can!
i look forward to hear about your trials and tribulations and wish you the best success
Thanks Sindee!