I had equivocated for months now. I knew how harsh a trial it would be, but still. I knew that my reflection was passably beautiful, but still. I heard others express shock at my decision, lending support to what I saw, but still.
When I looked in the mirror I saw every line that was out of place. The hints of my past tugged at my mind, reminding me that no matter how far I walked I would always look back and see where I started.
During yoga class my imperfections screamed loudest. As I stretched into half moon the moving meditation became a pitched battle to silence my demons.
I guess I should’ve known. My inner self-critic is well practiced. In a world where a woman’s body is expected to look like an airbrushed cover of a magazine, my faults were glaring beacons.
As days piled onto weeks my resolve became firm, “I would get facial feminization surgery“. I knew from the little research I had done so far that FFS generally required a bevy of procedures to achieve the desired look. It wasn’t sufficient to change a nose or a forehead – because a single change could leave one off balance and out of kilter.
I knew the next step would be to find a surgeon and start saving. Facial feminization surgery is not cheap, but paying top dollar for the best surgeon was a must for me. More than anything else, your face is the world’s window into your soul. It’s what people see every day. Without really thinking about it, it is you – what you taste, and see, and smell and hear. The very life giving breathe all depends on those tiny apparatus on your face. No, skimping on facial surgery was not in the cards for me.
And with that, my story begins. Over the next few weeks and months I will continue to share my journey through transgender surgery after transgender surgery.
I look forward to sharing this part of my transgender walk with you.
Love and blessings,
Vanessa
More Articles by Vanessa Law
- Scholar Program: Transgender Organization Leaders in the Workplace
- I Want to Live Like That
- Support Julie – Our August Trans Aid Recipient
- Trans Aid – Financial Aid for the Transgender Community
- Hope in Despair, Light through the Darkness
Latest posts by Vanessa Law (see all)
- Scholar Program: Transgender Organization Leaders in the Workplace - January 9, 2021
- I Want to Live Like That - August 29, 2020
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Vanessa, I’ve been paying attention and reading your various articles. I actually am a bit surprised you are having or have had FFS. To me, your evolution from believing you were only a crossdresser to seeing yourself as a bigender transgender was and is an interesting story, and it seemed to me that you were fine with people clocking you. So, that is my surprise about your decision for FFS. I was told many years ago when I was still searching as to what I was, that perhaps I was two-spirited. When told that, I was still too new in… Read more »
Hi Vanessa, I’ve read itt can cost upwards of $50,000 that is a ot of money, saying that I have started saving money for FFS. This is something I want desperately, I’m not sure how much insurance will cover if they cover any of it. I know they will cover my breast augmentation,and my SRS but you still have to jump through a lot of hoops, which I am doing now. I am moving forward I will never look back. I’m so very happy with my decision.
Aria 💖💖