My Early Seeds of Crossdressing

When I first thought of sharing my CD experience in written form, I must admit it was overwhelming to consider it as practical, let alone relevant. One’s personal experience is just that… essentially “personal” and not necessarily universal. And yet, there are many “common threads” that run through our shared experience as men driven to express, if not celebrate, our femininity.

 

I’ve taken the plunge. Perhaps my journey into femininity will resonate, possibly inform, and a few other souls may hopefully, become aware of the “two spirits” vying inside them.

 

It began at the age of four, amongst my very first childhood memories. Born in 1949, my family lived in Willoughby on Cleveland’s East side through the early ’50s. My mother was a genteel and quite a beautiful woman from Southern Illinois, a farm girl, who nonetheless expressed her appearance as typical of the Hollywood stars of her time. Wearing her hat and veil to Church with white gloves, her perfectly styled hair, her inexpensive but fashionable dresses, and her nylons… always nylons held in place by a girdle with clasps. Her fragrant perfume was always a testament to her imminent presence.

En Femme Style

 

Sitting at her feet, the smooth beauty of her legs, my first experience with feminine aestheticism, was memorizing. More than once, I vividly recall running my hand along her silky legs, only to be chided and have them batted away with a scolding, suggestive of having indulged in a Victorian impropriety. Yet even then, she understood… she knew, intuitively and succinctly, the forbidden paradox of my attraction. “You can’t become like this… it isn’t permitted, but I’m no fool. I know exactly where your mind is leading you, but not my son, no, not him,” or so I later imagined her thinking to have been.

 

At the age of nine, I discovered a pair of her discarded nylons in our basement. My father used them routinely to strain house paint, a common practice in those days. I often encountered the used pairs in the plastic pail under his bench, but they were nearly pristine, so inviting, and there, begging me to try them on. As if they spoke to me, I embraced them, immersing my pre-pubescent legs into the enveloping ecstasy of their marvelous affection for me… and I for them.

 

It is often said that a mother knows her son’s “inner secrets” from an early age, and of this, I have no doubt. When she found the pantyhose, I purchased at age 15, under the other clothes in my dresser, she merely mentioned it but made no attempt to incriminate me. And my father also knew but never discussed it further. What they didn’t know was that in my puberty, I had the most wonderful and unimaginable experience of wearing a pair of panties stolen from my sister’s drawer. I covered my tracks immediately by handwashing them in the sink, followed by a “speed dry” in the laundry room. And yet, even these secrets, they had probably surmised. Why do adolescents think of their parents as being so incredibly naïve? They aren’t. 

 

Sound familiar? To some, it will resonate on a harmonic frequency. To others, it will bring to mind a different experience, but in a similar sense an “imprinting” that became a watershed event in one’s crossdressing, if not transsexual life. I have no interest in suggesting that my experience is necessarily relevant to another’s but offer it only as a piece of the tapestry of our human reality.

 

Today’s world is replete with similar narratives, some pure fantasy, others historical in the truest sense, with lines between truth & fantasy often blurred. But let not the younger generation lose sight of the long historicity of these issues, issues which continue to inform and often bitterly divide our society today. A case in point might be the iconic life of Ernest Hemingway, a pillar of American literature who re-wrote the rules of modern fact and fiction writing. His lifelong fascination with the tension between the sexes, and the essence of femininity, has provided me with valuable food for thought, a welcome narrative for understanding the common human dilemma of sexuality, gender, and its ultimate meaning. But that story is for another time, and for another reason. 

 

To be continued… 

EnFemme

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    Eunice Irwin

    Latecomer to serious crossdressing, facilitated by retirement. Why do some flowers bloom much later than others? It’s no less natural.

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    Rachel Wright
    Rachel Wright(@rachelw)
    8 months ago

    Hello, this is my first time browsing on the forum and I wanted to thank Eunice for sharing her story. It immediately resonated with me and my story. I even wrote it all down (it’s saved on the main computer…I would love to share it with you all later. But Eunice and everyone else thank you for sharing and making me realise how normal I actually am. X

    Kim Dahlenbergen
    Active Member
    Kim Dahlenbergen(@kdahlenbergen)
    8 months ago

    Excellent point, Eunice.

    Stephanie Kingston
    Stephanie Kingston(@memysel65)
    8 months ago

    Hi Stephanie here, just want to say hi and when I have time I’ll post my full story on here from my early years to this present day. Xx

    Meran Berwyck
    Member
    Meran Berwyck(@meran)
    8 months ago

    I once typed up a similar ‘past’ and shared it with a potential love interest, a cis female who has been wanting me as I am now. I remember editing it several times to add or rework my wording. Yet even after reading my story, I felt I still left some unanswered questions.

    How many others can start their story with “It started with a pair of pantyhose"?

    Kim Dahlenbergen
    Active Member
    Kim Dahlenbergen(@kdahlenbergen)
    8 months ago

    There are indeed common threads in how we first overtly discovered and over time sustained our interest in feminine things. What remains murky for me, and I suppose most of us, is where it really begins. I have distinct recollections from very early childhood about being discouraged from what I vaguely recall as feminine behaviors, although I have no idea what these might have been. I just remember the messages: a) its not acceptable and b) stop doing it Looking back into admittedly blurry and unreliable recollections still leaves me with the sense that the feminine behaviors were innate, both… Read more »

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