It’s been too long since I last wrote to you. All of you wonderful ladies have showered me with love and compassion. Thank you so much for that.
However, it seems that I only come to you when my heart is broken or when I don’t know how to cope with my secrets.
Eighteen months ago was the last time I saw my therapist. She told me that all there is left to do is tell my wife about this secret I have kept from her for so long. I meant to, I really did.
The first reason that I chose not to tell her was because she was pregnant with a child that we wanted… Then I chose not to tell her because of a miscarriage. I was regularly seeing my therapist at that time. Then there was another pregnancy with a child we longed for. Then another miscarriage.
Soon I found myself unemployed and with no income. My entire focus was on taking care of my family and finding a job. Suddenly my wife was pregnant again, with a child we wanted. Then I found a good paying job… She is still pregnant, almost seven months. But the time to tell her just never seems right.
One night, when we were talking about how busy we are, and wondering how we’re going to take care of another child, I simply asked her if she could love a transgender woman. She has no problems with transgender people, and she supports my passion for the trans community. She said she wasn’t sure, that she had never thought of it before. Then I asked my wife, who is probably more attracted to women than men, what she would think if she was involved with a girl who chose to transition into a man.
Her answer made me sad. She said that she would feel like the person she is with is not the same person.
This really is a significant challenge for transitioning while in a relationship. From what I have read, this is a major cause for the break down of relationships. It is hitting home for me and I know that I have to put the needs of my pregnant wife and the children that we already have ahead of my own.
As I write this, I reminisce about the first article that I wrote on Crossdresser Heaven. It almost wasn’t published, and I’m so glad that it was. It was a window into the bitter battle in my soul.
Yesterday I wore my navy suit and french blue shirt. I did everything in my power to be the best husband a pregnant woman could have. From the moment I got up, to the moment I laid my head down for the night. Today I wore the clothes of a tradesman, and I dealt with a flat tire and a dead car battery. And there is no day in my life when I get to nurture the woman buried deep inside me.
There may never be a right time to share this secret with my wife. I may never find the courage to tell her even if the right time came.
But I know that there are wonderful ladies just like all of you who have experienced my conflict, who know my pain, and whose hearts have also been broken.
And I know that there are thousands of beautiful young women out there who feel forced to conform to what their social circles expect of them. And they need to know that they are not alone.