It occurred to me this week, that so few people can really understand my reasons for choosing to live the way I do! Even more so, on the subject of surgery (SRS). The latter being quite a dramatic and extreme choice that encouraged some to tell me that, it will not change who I am. Even though their intentions were only of concern for my well-being, they believed they knew what I really needed and wanted. Oh please give me credit for being able to know what I want from my life now, more than ever before. I am able to research, evaluate, know of risks, and make my own decision based upon, most importantly, what I truly desired.
The Spark
Which has brought me to write this in an article to share with your all, as I have a feeling that many of you will have experienced this in some form or another.
I had an appointment a few days ago at the hospital. I’d set out with plenty of time for my hour drive to my appointment. My usual parking spot adjacent to the entrance was ‘Out of Use’ due to the bizarre restrictions now imposed everywhere! So, back to the car and trying to recall how to navigate to the other side of the hospital grounds. Typical! Sat Nav and mobile phone maps didn’t function well, so I ‘winged it’ and got there surprisingly quickly.
I was soon invited into an office by the psychiatrist, one I had not met before. I had already decided to ask the first question; why have I been asked to attend this meeting? Perhaps not the best approach, but it hadn’t been made clear prior, plus my progress towards surgery had come to a halt, and without contact to keep me informed or up-to-date. Understandably, I was a little frustrated and more than a little stressed about the situation. I’ve learned to accept the delay, by considering, that if I progressed no further, I am still very happy; but completion would be the better option. Nevertheless, I was a little miffed!
Attack
It felt as if she took my question as a form of attack and the discussion became tangled in confusion. I tried to explain how things had not progressed for almost a year and how I was feeling less confident in it happening at all! After about 15-20 minutes, it calmed down as she had a better understanding of my position. She asked a few questions to become aware of my personal situation; did I feel isolated, did I have friends? etc. My replies were, I did not feel isolated, and I have very good support from friends and family. I’m in an excellent frame of mind and health. She got more than expected in my reply based on the expression on her face.
More general questions and she wrote notes down in a book. She used the telephone to make an internal call. I wasn’t paying close attention to what was being said, I was thinking about what had happened so far. She placed the phone back on the receiver and said, “it’s all approved!” She had spoken to the secretary of the surgeon. She carried on saying, that from October or November, surgery could be set and a confirmation sent by post to me.
In disbelief
I sat there for a moment in slight disbelief. Noting my stillness, she repeated it. I think I pulled a strange face with a sort of smirk of happiness and slight questioning in response. She went on to clarify the details to ensure that I had really taken it on board. By now I had realised that after all these years this was really happening. The tears were welling up, but I kept my composure.
On my drive home, I reflected on her words and what have been my dreams, desires, and more for so many years. How they were so close to reality, 68 years of waiting. I considered stopping to send a message to my daughter but held back. I sent it once I returned home, I couldn’t contain my joy and wanted to share it. I also contacted a few people who I knew would understand what this meant to me, including my older sister.
I sent the message to my sister later that evening and received a reply not long after. It was quite lengthy, a little rambling on, so I thought she might have had a few glasses of wine. It went into things we’d not discussed before. I felt she was not clear of mind and stating things most likely wouldn’t say when sober. In particular, “It won’t solve all my problems, but it might help me.” She suggested that I am unhappy, It’s nothing that I have done, and then, thank the lord that our parents don’t have to deal with something they don’t understand. Now she is thinking for my dead parents and deciding how they would have reacted to my choice – Really!!!
I have extracted those parts to make my point; she did include loving and positive comments that only wished me happiness and offering the support of her and her husband. Perhaps you can see why I felt it was influenced by a bottle of wine?
Confirmation
The communication with my sister confirmed what I had felt for some time, regarding the way others who have not felt any kind of gender displacement are unable to comprehend what it is that takes us along this path. We are the only ones who can understand ourselves and the drive within us to suffer, endure, and breakthrough barriers in our own perceptions and lives. To come to an understanding and acceptance of exactly who we are and where we need to get to. That place where we will be enabled to feel comfortable and settled within the physical body and mind that we live.
It isn’t about the way in which others perceive how we should choose to live, or how that fits their picture of what they think we should be. It’s our own consciousness that we’ve had since birth. It brings us into a world where we have a need to reconcile this at some point in our life. We often have a set of challenges to overcome in order to reach fulfillment. When we do, the experiences, hardships, and transformation we go through make us even more unique and special individuals by going through that process. In history, there were cultures that acknowledged this and treated such people with high regard and respect, knowing they were gifted. A gift that only we have and can use in the most wonderful ways to bring peace, stability, and harmony into the communities that we live among. All we require is the recognition and willingness to permit us to be who and what we are.
Believe in who you are always, it’s your right to do so and not for others to decide for you.
More Articles by SophieFR
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SophieFR
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Sophie… I’m a the point… even before HRT that I want surgery! It seems so superfluous to a woman to have a penis! I live as a woman full time and all the things I love to do still entail a penis somewhere in my shorts that’s an encumbrance! Take cycling, for I stance, what a literal pain it is to sit on a tucked penis for a 50-100 km ride. Ok… I’ve experimented for saddles etc but it is still way too much in the way. I will eventually opt for SRS… the sooner the better!
Hi Polly, Thank you for sharing your comment with us. To reply by saying that I feel your pain would be inaccurate in this instance, However, I do understand your comment completely and equally find that part of the anatomy is more of an inconvenience. I look forward to not having to endure that for much longer providing the year improves in its arrival with more freedom and liberty.
I remain positive and hopeful that I am creating that brighter future for myself
Love and hugs
Sophie
Thanks Sophie… love and hugs back!
Sophie
I’m also slated for bottom surgery in November. As I had mentioned to you once before it sometimes seems we are living parallel lives in many ways. I also realize how hard it is for a non-transgender person to understanding what we are going through. I’m actually envious of people who don’t get it. When questioned as to why my response is that I want to experience what it feels like to be comfortable in my own body.
I’m sure we’ll be commiserating as we get near December.
Dear Tonya, I do recall your earlier comment. I believe we are all living parallel lives by being who we are in this community. There is a commonality that binds us all together with an unspoken or written understanding of ‘us’, this community. One where we bring our energy, love, compassion, and understanding, through support and care for others in a selfless way. Where we visit frequently and leave a little bit piece of each one of us behind every time we visit, leaving some of that energy that we emit while here. We are all creating and making this… Read more »
Thank you, Sophie. I’m having a hard time lately talking to family and this was exactly the affirmation I needed.
Dear Shaylah, Thank you so much for your comment, and for sharing your thoughts with us. I am grateful for your acknowledgment of my article and the topic. When I write my articles, they are becoming more about what I observe in my personal history, in others, and around me in all areas of life. As we go through life, we will always be surprised and unprepared for something. What happened to instigate this piece, did not upset me or disturbed me deeply, it simply raised a question. One that I saw as a potential issue for many on their… Read more »
I’m not qualified to join in but love putting words together and love this site.
I’m from S. Al but have lived many places so I have a sense of other sensibilities. Best of luck.
Hi, Dear Rikki,
You are qualified to say what you feel and know and to have an opinion.
We are free-thinking, loving, and understanding, it’s what makes us so very different
Love and hugs
Sophie
Thanks Sophie. I wouldn’t want to complicate an already complecated mental process with uninformed babble; too much time in the ivory tower to do that. It wouldn’t be for me. I’m so drawn to this site and the people here. May I ask…do you have any knowledge, (or know someone who does), associated with breast elargement via pills? This something I did years ago and it’s less severe than it used to be but I long to swap notes. It’s so good to “hear your voice” , as it were. Please tell me something of your existence and I should… Read more »
For me it’s the chorus of Ghosts by Japan. Alternatively it’s Cherry bomb by the Runaways. What I was like before my parents thought they had beaten the girl out of me! Too stubborn or too stupid to actually give in to them I suppose! Given half a chance I can still misbehave.
Having the courage to live your convictions is true heroism. We are all better people who can bare witness to our sisters and brothers struggles as they seek to live by those convictions that impel them only to be themselves in the face of such huge challenges. Everyone deserves to be happy with themselves and no one else has the right to judge why we were born like this. We are hard enough on ourselves. Thank you for everyone that’s here. We all bring a little spark that will some day light the fire to burn away the oregiduce and… Read more »
Dear Bryn, Thank you for sharing your comment with us all. I like that I am feeling a sense of balance in your life and knowing who you are. It’s very reassuring for me to feel that and see how your comment is there for others to connect with in what and how you feel and think. You have also touched on something is very dear to my heart, by the use of the words: “We all bring a little spark”. I have an underlying theme behind what I am trying to bring to this site to make members aware… Read more »
Sophie, Thank you for this, I have been fantasizing all my life to live the life I have always dreamed of for 70 years. I am now coming up on completing 6 months of HRT and I really like the changes that at this point only I (at least I think only me) can see. I am very healthy and in a week and a half I see my Edocrinologist and check my vitals and progress. Thank you again.
Sarah
Hi Sarah, Thank you for your kind comment. The more I learn about others on this path, the more I believe that the older generation had a tough time of it, being suppressed in very different ways to how we see the more recent generations since the ’60s perhaps. It is good that you have finally accepted yourself. The later part of our lives is when we have the most chance of becoming more spiritual and knowing of ourselves. In Numerology this is called the 3rd Phase, and that I am also in myself. A period where we can know… Read more »
Thank you for these thoughts that are very timely for me. I know I need to tell my 2 very adult (50 yr olds) sons about my true identity but I can’t imagine any way they will understand or accept me. I can understand how hard it is for anyone who is cis gendered to appreciate our needs. But I’m of sound mind still and very capable of knowing my long journey leading to living in my true gender is the only sound direction for me. Please keep sharing.
Dear Wendy, If my article has helped you in the slightest way that fills me with happiness. It is my one aim through my articles to share my own understanding to help others on their journey no matter quite where they are in it. I am part of that generation that has been dealing with this in ways that I know only too well. I am not so sure that the younger generations have felt the same issue are in their own live and would like to attacrt comments from those members too. In th emeantime, I thank you forsharing… Read more »
Yeah and then ain’t no blueprint on how we are
Dear Amelia,
Thank you so much for your wonderful comment.
When I make a connection with another in this way I am filled with happiness that I am creating useful articles that can help others and confirm their feelings, thoughts and experiences too.
I truly believe this is quite a common scenario among members and we all find our own way of dealing with this.
I published this so that others can know that they are not alone with these feelings, should they find themselves experiencing the same, it is not unusual at all
Love and hugs
Firstly, I love this article! 😊 Secondly, yes….the few people I have had this conversation with, have not understood in the slightest. They are of the opinion that I just woke up one day and decided (quite randomly) that this is what I want, implying that I just chose this. As far as I’m concerned (can’t speak for anyone else) the only choice involved is as you say, “to live a life of wholeness and fulfilment” or “to live a half life and be merely a shadow of myself” Trying to explain this concept to others, not an easy task… Read more »
I have 3 children. Besides my wife and some select friends, I have only told my first son and middle child. Friends are accepting, as I felt they would be. Son, accepting. Wife, not so much, although she is okay with cross-dressing. It will be a tough go I sense with anything more, although I do free myself by going out in public alone or with my accepting friends.