Dark green vision-blocking curtains covered the window in the living room.
Homemade frosting covered the window on the front door.
I sat in absolute, motionless silence as the repeated, incessant knocking continued, not getting louder, but not stopping either.
I could hear my heart beating as my hand vibrated, yet I didn’t move; I was in full on primary response. The stuff Abe Maslow talks about—fight, flight, freeze…I was frozen in place and that damn knocking continued until finally–silence.
I peered through a small opening in the curtain to see the car drive away and a deep sigh of relief escaped my ruby red lips. I might have peed a little but everything was too tightly puckered for that.
That was me 2001; the terrified, hidden, alone and lonely person. Oh, I had friends, but no one “knew” about Char then.
Goal one: open the curtains–partly. That took a few months to accomplish. I would open them a hand width, then the length of my arm elbow to wrist to allow myself time to adjust. In time, my “I don’t care” mindset grew. Over the course of a few months, the curtains were left wide open all the time.
Goal two: get outside and stay within the boundaries of my own property. Surely I was safe there, and the worst anyone could do would be to say something negative or hurl insults at me; they didn’t. Soon, I was walking around my yard (one small town block) dressed as I pleased. Terrified yes, I was feeling the fear and doing it anyway; it was one more step to freedom and courage, one more step away from feeling like a victim.
Goal three: our local post office is a 1.5 minute walk from my front door. If the wind is right, one good stone’s throw could hit the wall. The goal was to walk there, collect the mail, and return home safely. This was a huge, because there was potential risk of a stranger (one of the “good ole boys”) showing up while I was digging the mail out of the PO Box. I live in a community of 50 people, farmers, welders, and other tough guys all around me. In fact, any one of the local women could take me out with one punch; they’re used to throwing 80 pound bales!
Okay, fast forward to a few years ago, I was asked (by the locals), yes, the very ones described above to run for Mayor of our little town. I did, and I won; I served. We don’t care what you wear they said, just solve the local troubles.
Next goal: drive to the next town, the next city, expand the size of the playpen one tiny bit at a time and one day you’ll look over your shoulder and see just how far you’ve traveled outside of your comfort zone.
Nowadays, I wear the breast prosthesis, pretty tops, skinny jeans, and my beautiful aqua sketcher sneakers. With earrings and hair done, eye shadow and mascara, I travel to other cities and go into shops. Oh yes, there are twinges of the old fear, but certainly not immobilization anymore.
Growing into myself thus far has been the greatest challenge of my life. I’ve come this far by doing two things consistently, being persistent and doing it slowly.
By setting small goals to achieve, such as opening the curtains, answering the door, walking outside, walking to a friend’s house four doors down, or to the post office, and so on I’ve expanded my world and quieted my fears.
I’ve found success by being gentle with my child self and allowing the child to get comfortable with each new step before moving onward to the next step. No rush, no force just gently leading my female child self to freedom, as the adult me learns and practices the life skills needed to take care of her safely.
I wish for you the very same exciting adventure my friends.
Namaste’
n huggles
Char
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You are a sincerely interesting Lady!
Your Roxanne Lanyon
Hehehe as we all are my dear. . . Everyone has a story and I have loved and hated discovering mine, , , to be cont. . . 🙂
Namaste’ & Thank you sweety
Char
I enjoyed the article and for the community you live in it took immense courage. I was in a totally different situation. I booked a hotel with my wife in Thailand, took all my clothes and makeup, got ready in my room walked down the stairs and into the daylight announcing myself to the world. I’m not sure I would have had the courage to do what you did Char ,even using the “Baby steps" idea.❤️ Amelia.
OMG now THAT is one of the things on my bucket list Amelia hahaha I would love to hear more about your Thai Adventures dear 🙂 Pleeeeases hehe One of my all time favorite quotes is something like, “when e Act a certain way for long enough with sincere intentions, we will eventually become that". I act confident even though at times I’m terrified. My Dad used to say “when you conquer your fear, you conquer theirs". It’s so true Amelia; I “act" how I want to be; out going, friendly, accepting, supportive, abundant and happy. The more I act… Read more »
Things have moved on Charee. Since those first steps into daylight, a few days in gay Patong (an attempt by a male masseur to seduce me) back to Patong in July. I will be going full femme from home to return on my own.😘
You are going make some amazing memories Amelia! I will happily be swingin on your earring whispering “You Got This Sister!"…hehe
aaand the adventure continues; how terrifyingly fun hey hehehehe
Thank you for being you Amelia
Namasteè
n huggles
Char 😉
Charee! I will be on my own but not alone, your words will be ringing in my ears💕.
Pssssst! You Got This Sister"…
Yup yup yup you dooo hehehe
Namaste’ Amelia
n huggles always
Char
Had a great time! This is me at the “Coffee Club" in Phuket.
Hahahaha Beauuuutiful!!! I love it hahaha
What an aventure this life is hey hahaha
Good onya Amelia; Thaaankyou for sharing that happiness with me 🙂
Huggles for you dear , woohooo
Namaste’
Char 😉
Nice article. Good description of the fear we all face. It seems that the potential disapproval of neighbors or of others farther afield just had to give way to your being who you are. That takes courage. Courage one cannot understand if they haven’t been through it. I admire it every time I see it. So well done and well written 👩🎤
Awe Thank you so much Shanda; I am humbled and grateful Dear
Namaste’
n huggles
Char
My heart felt gratitude for this Shanda, what an awesome name!!
Every time someone says something like this to me, I can feel the wind get stronger in my sails, confidence grows, courage wells up and my soul expands…
Mmmmmmm that’s delicious!!
Thaaank you Shanda
Namaste’
n huggles fro you dear
Char
I loved your article, Char! I did much the same. The curtains omg!! Mine were a certain lace that had roses instead of nothing in between my curtains. Ha ha, but of course, mine were also for my and Joan’s naturist lifestyle too. Way we’ll written, girlfriend. You’ve raised the bar.
hahaha omg thank you Dasia; oh those moments of sitting on the side of the bed motionless waiting to hear the car door slam and drive away hahaha what a hard way to live hey? I am soooo grateful for for the ability to learn and grow hehehe
what an adventure we’re having!! haha
Namaste’
n gratitude huggles Dasia
Char
What an adventure, indeed!
Smiles and hugs,
Dasia
right back atchya sweetie!!
On we gooooo hahahahaa
Namaste’
n huggles always Dasia
Char xox
😉