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Dawn J

I posted this on CDH, too, about two years ago, but I'll try to give you the updated & abridged version. I'm sure we all have very similar stories, but yes, I’m a happy girl when I’m me. I am Dawn. That guy is just some other person inhabiting my body. I feel uncomfortable when I have to be him & pretend to be male. I’ve been crossdressing since I was about 11 or 12. Until a few years ago, I always felt like I enjoyed it– but wished I didn’t. I've always felt that the impetus that really awakened the desire in me, was a magazine article. I happened to find it in a closet (How appropriate). Naturally, I curiously combed the pages, perhaps, hoping to find pictures of naked women. But I came across an article entitled, “My Husband Became a Woman”. Suddenly, I wanted to see how it felt to be a girl & started trying on things that belonged to my mom & sister. It felt so good & actually excited me, sexually. I’m pretty sure that my mom knew about it. She once caught me, trying on a pair of my granny’s shoes & I’m sure that she could tell that someone had been into her clothes– especially when I accidentally got lipstick on a white sundress & didn’t have time to clean it. And there was a time when my best friend asked me if I had mascara on (Apparently, I hadn’t done a good job of washing it off.) I told him, “No, I was taking a nap.” I don’t think he bought it. I wasn’t gay. I liked girls & had several girlfriends throughout high school. I was in the closet, but when I was with the girls, crossdressing never crossed (pun unintended) my mind. Also, never really thought about it while in the Armed Forces for a few years. But it all came back when my wife & I were dating & we went to a friend’s Halloween Party as the opposite sexes. Shortly after we got married, I played a trick on her, one morning, as we were getting ready for work. She had her clothes laid out for the day. While she was showering, I put her bra on under my shirt. She couldn’t figure out where she had put it. I wanted to see how long it would take her to find it. Again, it felt good. The following year, I admitted to her that I enjoyed it & asked her if she’d mind. She said OK. It wasn't often, but I got a little carried away, one weekend, and pierced my own ears. No one said anything about it at work, but I’m sure the holes were noticeable. Then, we threw our own Halloween party. You guessed it. She was a butler. I was a French maid. Our oldest kids are girls. I still occasionally “dressed up” when they were young-- & asleep, but when the boys came along, I purged what little clothing I had. Once the boys grew up & moved out, I found myself wearing some of my wife’s clothes. And, over the years, she has occasionally let me wear lingerie to bed. Our foreplay involves her doing things to me that would normally be done to a woman. She’s not gay either, although I have daydreamed about what it would be like to have lesbian sex with her. That said, crossdressing didn’t seem to sexually stimulate me like it once did. Instead, it gave me more of a feeling of joy & satisfaction– like this felt right & it’s who I should be. I'm really opening up, here, and it is quite liberating to do so. Thank goodness that I found Transgender Heaven. I never really thought that the term applied to me, but in the past two years, I've done a lot of introspection and, although my therapist hasn't confirmed it (because I haven't seen her in a while), I've concluded that I am transgendered according to definitions I've seen. I’ve been involved with a couple of different crossdressing groups which have helped me find who I am & to admit to myself that I am transgendered. I was a bit apprehensive about joining TGH, initially, and remained somewhat guarded about posting, but the more time I'm here & spend as me, the more I know I'm where I belong. I enjoy the replies I get from my “sisters”. There’s acceptance & encouragement here. Five years ago, I would have never thought that I could be this open about “my little secret”. I want to transition, but I have two major obstacles-- money & my wife. She says she would leave me if I did. I couldn’t do that to her. She didn’t “sign up for this”. She’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m spending more time as myself, but I have to be careful not to upset my wife. We've had some pretty deep conversations. She’s accepting that I am a part of her husband; that he needs me. My wife even says that, when I'm me, I seem to be more productive around the house & assist her with “womanly” chores, but she’s worried that maybe she shouldn’t be encouraging me. Maybe she’s right. When I look in the mirror at my male self, I'm not happy with that old man looking back at me. But, as myself, I’m very happy with the way I’m looking. Very depressing to go back to male mode. I easily “pass” in public-- as a woman 20 years younger than my true age. I look & feel younger when I’m me. When I exercise, for some reason, I feel stronger & more energetic as myself. Many people, who have seen pictures of me or seen me at one of those Halloween parties, say that I look better as a woman than I do as a man. I have to agree. My wife even says that I've improved much with my voice. We've had some “Girls Days Out”, going shopping, having lunch & getting manicures & pedicures. Sometimes, I get frustrated with my job & other things in my life, but I find crossdressing therapeutic. Put me in a dress and it completely lightens my mood. My depression used to be worse & sometimes incapacitating. Looking back, perhaps subconsciously, I was down because I couldn’t be a woman or, at least, look like one. Is this what’s missing in my life? I’m worried that I'm getting too old to transition. But I don't want to live my whole life, not realizing my dream & not being who I think I was meant to be. How sad would that be? I think my wife realizes that & that’s why she’s reluctantly giving me the “green light” on crossdressing– so I can enjoy the next best thing to being a woman while I can. Life’s short. Be gorgeous!

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