Resolutions…
It’s that special time of the year when we promise to be better (or less bad) than we were the year before. Kind of like Tim McGraw and his next 30 years. I thought it might be fun to look back at my life by decades and do a “He Said, She Said” compilation of resolutions come and gone. At the end, I will share a few of this year’s. I hope you will provide some of your own, as this shouldn’t be taken seriously… (mostly.) 😉
I wanted to mention also that I’ve recently been posting pictures of myself (Yes, new ones as it’s been a while since I have.) I’m hoping that my trend will inspire some of the other girls here to do something similar. I offer some insights on each one, hoping others might find a tidbit here and there to use themselves. I’m not the prettiest, best at makeup, fittest, most definitely not the youngest—or oldest, great at fashion, picture posing, or anything else, for that matter. What I am is 60, 180 pounds (with a goal of reaching 165) and 6 ft tall. In reality, I’m average with a nice pair of legs. I’ve carried a midsection since I was a chubby kid. I’ve been told the only way to get rid of it is through surgery. I’m contemplating CoolSculpting on those love handles. I believe we have a lot of tricks that we can share with each other…
So, here we go…
Back in my teens:
“I’m going to ‘Man up’ this year and quit fantasying about high heels and nylons.”
“I’m going to buy my own high heels and nylons and quit trying to wear the ones that don’t fit.”
“I’m going to hit the weights and really bulk up.”
“Ich! I need to do something about the hair growing on my chest.”
“I’m going to find a nice (and hot) girl to be with.”
“I’m going to dress like a hot girl. The nastier, the better. I love extremely high heels.”
“I’m going to stop having these girly urges and throw away my stash.”
“I need to find a better hiding place when I buy more things.”
Back in my twenties ( I was married at 21):
“I’m married and it’s time to have a family. No more girl time (I didn’t yet know what I was or that I was a crossdresser. I thought I was broken and could fix myself.)
“It’s a shame that I can’t fit into her clothes; they’re so pretty. Guess I’ll buy my own.”
“It’s been nearly two years clean, but the stress is getting to me with the new baby. I won’t give in!”
“Did you see those shoes in the window at Younker’s? They’re on sale and lingerie is 60% off.”
“I’m going to toss everything before we move into our new house. Start fresh and be a better husband and father.”
“Ooh, I found a great place to stash and rebuild my wardrobe. I think it’s time I start growing my hair longer and quit chewing my nails.”
“Three girls in the family! I’m doomed! I have to spend more time with the guys!”
“Little girl clothes are so adorable! I love watching my wife put on her makeup; she’s so good at it. I bet I could do that. I’ll wait till she’s gone for the weekend and try.”
Back in my thirties:
“I can’t take this anymore. I need to purge everything; the stress is killing me.”
“I’ve been doing research and there are many others like me. The internet is wonderful.”
“I need to lose weight; I’ve really started to pack it on. I’m going to join a fitness club.”
“Pilates and aerobics would tone those legs and improve our health. We should start using some moisturizing cream on our face and do something with those shaggy eyebrows and the hair in our ears.”
“I need to reconnect with my wife. She is becoming distant, and we argue all the time. I need to be better and not so sharp in tone and my actions!”
“More me time and the stress will go away. I’m not a cancer but a vital part of you. Maybe it’s time to confess and accept the consequences.”
“I need to focus on the family and do what’s right!”
“I’m not going anywhere. I’m that part that makes you kinder and empathetic. Listen more to me and life can be better for all of us.”
“I need to do more research on what it means to be a crossdresser or if I’m something else. These feelings keep telling me that this isn’t ever going away.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you. You are who you are. Together, we can be whole.”
Back in my forties:
“I promise to be a good father to the girls now that I’m divorced. If she rats me out, I’ll face it.”
“I will buy all the things I’ve never had and shine! I’ll learn to do makeup, style my hair, and live openly.”
“I need to move on and find some validation in another relationship.”
“I’m going to fit into that size 12 even if I have to exercise vigorously and do extreme dieting.”
“I’m going to purge all of my feminine things and delete all the pictures. Time to be 100% man.”
“I’ll give you time, but I know you can’t ever be all man again. I’ll be back!”
Back in my fifties:
“I think that the best thing for me is to be single. Learn to love all of me for who I really am. Two failed relationships have lots to tell about my shortcomings. Focusing on me is what I should do.”
“I will help you see I am you and always have been. Together, we will grow and learn to be content and happy.”
“I’m going to do the things that make me happy and not worry about what others think. It’s time to embrace who I am.”
“I’m going to whisper in your ear, and you’ll see how much calmer our life will be when you listen more to me. We’ll take our time and work on us.”
“I won’t give up on a relationship, but if it happens, I’ll be upfront early. No more hiding this part of me.”
“Wouldn’t it be wonderful to find a new place, in a new state, where we can be us without the expectations put on us by others? It’s never too late in life to be who you were meant to be.” 😊
Now, in my sixties:
“I’ll care less what others think. I’ll be kinder to everyone. I won’t put demands or expectations on others, and I will treat myself with respect, toss away the stigmas and labels so that I can just be me.”
“I will smile more, moisturize, moisturize and moisturize. I will hold my head up high and walk with grace. I will be quick to forgive and less judgmental… especially with how I look. I will continue to work on becoming the best, blended version of us.
“I won’t be afraid of what others may think and deal with it should the time arise. I will not be afraid to be different, to be me. I will continue to find blessings and accept happiness.”
“I accept we may never be more than what we currently are. I won’t push. I will enjoy the beauty of this life and be content with sharing time. I will also be brave and move out of the closet into the sunlight.”
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Very well put Brina . I am sixty one and look back at when I was in my twenty’s and could pass as a good looking young woman and just couldn’t figure things out. When I was going though those years I hid it well and thought I was the only one going though this . I married at twenty one and best of all I fit into my wife’s clothes. Thirty years of marriage the stress of not being me I told my wife about my past and lucky for me it went well and I have let every… Read more »
Thanks for the kind words and for sharing! I’m glad it’s working out for you! 🙂
Thanks Brina. I know all too well, that I fit into your life list. With 3 relationships spanning 30+ years. And 5 wonderful children. And many start and stops. And now being 55 and single. I came out this summer to all of my family and friends and community. And yes being able to forgive oneself and being able to be truly free to become, they both have made this possible. Yours Shiloh
Thank you for sharing, Shiloh! 🙂 I think it took me at least 2 years after being single (54) to really understand myself more and to quit looking for anyone else’s validation but my own. I make conscious decisions now and not always the ones that I’d like to pursuse.
Hi Brina, Well done for writing such a nice piece. It is revealing and amusing at the same time, and I am sure we can all see a little of ourselves in there somewhere. I am not sure I could write anything similar to be honest. My life always felt so complicated, I could never reason what the problem was or how to fix myself, as I believed I was faulty or broken in some way. I’ve never been one for resolutions. The one thing I said for a number of years now as we enter a New Year is,… Read more »
Thank you, Sophie 🙂 May this year be a special one for you!
I wish my past was like yours. I was in a constant stae of “Duck and Run" so 2 speak sis. It was refreshing to read this candid aspect of your past… Thankz so much for making me smile as these days I can’t seem to smile enough. Huggz Tia
Thanks for commenting as well! 🙂
Thank you, Brina, for this delightful article. It’s funny, poignant and touching. And, oh so close to the way it was.
My resolution? Be true to yourself, girl. You’re all you wanted to be.
Peace and love
Carly
Thanks, Carly!. I wanted to entertain, hopefully, make others smile, and offer a little hope…