No matter how I feel about myself and the way I live my life now, there will always be a few things that I can never change, or have the desire to.
The first is pretty obvious in that I was born male. But the other one in mind is the undeniable fact that I have two children from my previous marriages. Had I have been able to transition much earlier; I may not have had that privilege.
I was never particularly confident growing up. I had a few friends who lived close by and a sister who had her own friends. She was quite protective towards me; maybe being the older child or just being a sister. For want of a better description, I was ‘frightened’ by the thoughts of a girlfriend as a teenager. I was 19 before having my first real girlfriend, who I later married. Looking back, it is easy to see that we were both far too young and inexperienced in life to have married when we did. We became parents too soon, but not unhappy with the situation, and we cherish and love our son. I have no contact with any of my ex’s, which is a mutual arrangement with all three of them.
What libido?
During my adult life, I only had relationships with women. I was a born male and that’s what they do – isn’t it? I honestly cannot say that I have ever been attracted to a man. When I finally embarked on this stage of my life, it was driven by a powerful need to resolve my internal conflict. Finally accepting who I was left me feeling that I had no other alternative than to take the decisions that would affect the remainder of my time in this world; in the most positive and definitive way I could. My libido had already diminished during the last couple of years of my last relationship, our daily life breaking down as we grew further apart. I did attempt dating after we had separated, but I don’t think I was really serious with my intent; in retrospect, I believe it was an act of desperation to the loneliness that I found myself in.
Trapped in a psychological prison
It wasn’t until eight years later when I’d begun living as a woman that my thinking started to shift, although only in a curious way. I was in no hurry to find a partner of any kind, I just needed to get my life fully on track and work towards becoming the woman that I knew I could be. From that point forward, I consciously avoided and blocked out any ideas of a relationship; I am unable to accept myself as half man, half woman, which has kept me trapped in my own psychological prison.
Last spring, I realised what I’d imposed on myself and how it limited my thinking and actions. The realisation encouraged me to make an effort to be more sociable, going to local events, and pushing myself to participate on a vastly improved level of social interaction. That proved to be a great idea and created a very rewarding and enjoyable year. I confess that I was helped by the support of a very good friend in town; he introduced me to so many people that it’s impossible to recall all of their names. I am now better known and with a wider circle of friends. I have since been invited to days out, private parties, dinners, visits to restaurants, nights out and more. One evening while chatting and appreciating some live music at an open-air concert at the local theatre, a man suddenly emerged from the people around me and kissed me on the cheek! Apart from the complete surprise, I found it quite amusing and laughed with my friend. It was well into the evening and he probably had a few drinks too many. All the same, it was a boost to my self-esteem and confidence even if he had. I have never been confronted or questioned about anything personal since living as a woman. Those that I have become good friends with, I have openly discussed my life with them; also learning that a number of people in the town are already aware, unbeknownst to me. I am not fazed by that, and I’m happy to talk with anyone should they wish to approach me on the subject.
I had a dream
It would be dishonest of me to say that I had not given thought to a possible friendship or relationship with a man the past few years. But as I am, I can’t get past ideas of a potential disaster if I did seek that now. I can only wait until after my surgery before considering, waiting to at last resolve the discord with my physical form. While writing this, I have realised that I have not researched the effects of surgery, in relation to sexual desires after SRS. I have only read articles on the functionality and sensitivity after surgery. It remains for the time being that I may not actively seek a relationship, but gain the knowledge and confidence to engage in one should I choose. Only time will provide that answer to me. So, until, if and when that happens, I will simply take great pride in myself and the achievement of getting this close to a lifelong dream.
More Articles by SophieFR
- Transition – Not where I expected to be Today
- Sophieology
- True motivation or deception?
- Everything you need to know
- The Right Note of Confidence
SophieFR
Latest posts by SophieFR (see all)
- Transition – Not where I expected to be Today - June 26, 2023
- Sophieology - April 10, 2023
- True motivation or deception? - April 3, 2023
-480x270.jpg)
Hi Sophie, my life sounds pretty identical to everything you wrote, i have now become very close to a man i’ve known for about 10 years and now my curiosity has taken me to new feelings. Will this finally be the real me ? who knows but for the moment i’m enjoying the time and feeling like it was meant to be like this.
Dear Susan, Thank you for your comment, I had to read my own article as it’s been some time since I wrote that. y life has moved forward on many levels, taking me on a journey that I could never have imagined. The reality of transition being completed in the ways I had hoped for throughout a lifetime is now very close to becoming a reality. I have an agreement in place for surgery from the start of October 2021 and having to keep my excitement and enthusiasm under control. The current situation we are all in globally places it… Read more »
I understand your journey, Sophie. I have been married twice and had a few girlfriends, but also a boyfriend and a few one night stands with men. As Debi, I want to be attractive to men, and I know that is what I want once I am her full time.
Dear Debi, I apologise for not responding sooner, your comment must have slipped through my attention. it’s been 11 months since your comment and hope that life has been kind to you and perhaps you have found someone special. My own life has moved on in leaps and bounds, please see my comment above. We all want and need to be loved and not just by our family. Although we must avoid seeking another to make us feel complete. We need to feel that the balance is right and in harmony with ourselves and life. So many relationships fail because… Read more »
Sophie – you are an inspiration. Not that this is at all relevant to you, but I have found that the more open I am about my gender issues the more open I can be about my sexuality too. We humans have put shackles on ourselves for a very long time, and it is sad in many ways. Most people are wonderful if we can be open with them.
Hugs,
April
April, I have to disagree with you, it’s completely relevant. I truly believe that by keeping that part of ourselves in the shadows, that not only something that makes us feel so happy but is an undeniably core element of who we are and likely to prevent us from being at one with ourselves and finding true contentment. This is all about being able to accept who we are. The more we can do that, the more comfortable we will become with our true self. It’s not until we can accept ourself100% and love ourself equally that, finally we can… Read more »