Sometimes We Win

I am writing this at the end of the best 4 days of my life. This is not a statement I make with abandon, rather I make it with the most careful deliberation. On Wednesday, 5 minutes before noon, I left to go see my family for the first time in five years. I had come out to them as transgender and beginning transition over the past 6 weeks, to positive reactions I’ve written about elsewhere. However, unlike every time in the past, this time I would be standing face to face with them, and look them in the eyes. Would I see shame not inflected in their voices; disappointment and downcast eyes, embarrassment only evident after a couple of days of quiet acceptance and food deliveries or a few too many drinks one night? All this and a thousand more scenarios ran through my mind as I made the drive. Some scenarios were frighteningly realistic, as I’ve heard hundreds of tales told by my friends in this world that ended in sadness, despair, and a few times, tragedy. Others with mixed results, some family standing by their newly discovered daughter (or son), others drinking the cup of division and discontent and disowning them.

I pulled into a truck stop an hour from my place and changed into what I used to think of as Tiff mode, but now think of as myself. In the 9 months since I joined CDH, I have come to the realization, acceptance, and embracing of the fact that as a transgender woman I am Tiffany, I am not a mask or an alter ego. There’s not a guy core deep down inside me, it’s just more pink fog all the way to my center, which I imagine looks like a butterfly of sapphire and diamonds, or something else really cool. I am just fine with this. Little Tiff, who I had in ignorance cruelly suppressed for 37 years, is now in the driver’s seat, and I’m loving every minute of it. 7 more hours pass as I drive. I call my best friend Jenn. Call my mom. Receive reassurances. Get gas and get out fast cause I’m still not totally confident in public, and also it’s cold outside. Drive through the sunset, check my makeup at a rest area with terrible lighting, and pull in front of my brother’s place just after 9:30 that night.

Pulse pounding I walk up to the door. It’s a cozy house, with colorful Christmas lights in the bushes. I stand at the door for 30 seconds. I press the doorbell, mouth dry, and await the response with bated breath. Then the porch light comes on and the door opens and my brother and mother and my brothers wife are hugging me and telling me they love me and they miss me and I’m crying and saying the same, and oh thank you God, thank you so much, thank you I’ve come home at last. My brother and I bring the stuff I brought into the house and I explain the gigantic tub of guy clothes, I’ve got maybe a year and a half left of ever wearing male clothes again so I’ve no need for the lot of it. I’ve kept enough to get me through so might as well give the unworn stuff to someone who plans to actually be a guy for a living. We talk late into the night, catching up on times missed, adventures had, and the elephant in the room, me deciding to execute operation “tiff4ever2021”. They accidentally call me by my male name now and then but I tell them not to worry. Still, by the end of the night, and a couple bottles of wine later, they are correcting each other when one accidentally misgenders me. Their kindness moves me to tears time and time again. We go to bed, and I fall asleep in seconds.

I wake up early, full of energy, and still a bit nervous, ’cause my dad is coming over that day. He was the one that had the reservations, wasn’t crazy about the transitioning part. But I shower, get dressed, choosing a pretty green white and black paisley/floral pattern skirt, black sleeveless blouse, and green cardigan. As I walk out into the living room, I hear little voices and look to my left, where two adorable little faces are peeking from behind an ottoman. My brother is on the couch, sees me, and stands up. He then looks at my niece and nephew, 7 and 4 respectively, and introduces them to their auntie Tiffany. A couple of “Hi aunt Tiffanys” follow, and then a knock at the door a few minutes later brings my dad into the house. We hug and say I love you, and sit down. No fight. Just like that. The day passes quickly and peacefully, and good, happy, wholesome memories are made. Many jokes are told, and happy laughter fills the air. Gift exchange follows. Everyone is sitting around the tree having a wonderful time. My gifts are small, but heartfelt. Christmas ornaments that say Tiffany 2019 (it’s my first actual Christmas). Cards with long heartfelt messages. Wine and for my brother, good scotch.

Around this time, i realize that I feel something I haven’t felt since I entered my emotionally abusive marriage 11 years ago – joy. No fear. Just happiness. This was how normal people have Christmas. No knowing some impossible to predict transgression would bring humiliation later. Just pure goodness, with good people who were happy to be around each other, and who loved me, Tiffany or not. In fact, they seemed to really love me as Tiff. I was free in a way I’ve never experienced. I had nothing to hide. I was home, and I was myself. Finally myself.

The next day, I went shopping with my mom and my brother’s wife, at Ulta, where I got a bunch of stuff that’ll let me up my game as Tiff. Then we went to my nephews’ Christmas party, where I watched little goobers run around and play. Then it was home, to change, so we could go out to dinner. Italian food was that night’s fare. We sat in the middle of the busy dining room, and had a long, leisurely dinner, as a happy family. We had a wonderful day. We stayed up til 2am talking. Then sleep.

The last day found me reflecting upon the prior three. My mom referred to me as her daughter, my brother had told me he thought I was a cool sister. My niece had been warming up to me and told me that she would really miss her auntie Tiff. She asked me not to leave, because apparently I was “too awesome” to leave. And I’d just met her, so I should stay.

Turns out my brother’s wife was a beautician, and all the products I’d gotten worked better than the old stuff. And I’d gotten a bunch too. Along with a bunch of liquor. As gifts for me.

Also, as it turns out, my parents saved all my old childhood toys. And the boxes they came in. I grew up in the original Star Wars era, and the toys were things like the millennium falcon, and the AT-AT walker. They even kept the instructions. Literal treasure.

I left with a full Jeep, and a full heart, glowing with happiness, my soul shining with joy. On the way home, I called the rest of my family, told them about Tiffany. They were all fine with it. I didn’t lose a one. And I never have to hide again.

I know our road is hard.

I know the bad ending comes

Most don’t see this part

Please do not despair

Better days await

Sometimes though

Sometimes someone wins

This time it was me.

My numbers matched exactly.

I still cannot believe it.

The winning ticket.

It’s in my hands. It really is.

It’s not a dream it’s better

My prize is all I wanted

A few bonuses as well

4 days in heaven with angels

3 wishes granted to me

Too much treasure to carry

And one heart filled, by the love of the others

God bless y’all.

Stay strong.

Stay beautiful.

And may you get the Hollywood ending!

It happened to me.

Someone really does win.

I love you all so much

Sometimes Life is beautiful.

 

Tiffany Alexis

 

 

 

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Tiffany Alexis

I am transgender mtf. No longer lost, my path is now clear. I walk it with a spring in my step despite knowing it will be long, and likely sorrow and loss await. However, the joy will win the day, and no matter what I am going to make it. Because my heart is in the game. This is my dream, the one that is the nexus for whom I am, and whom I would become. I have a wonderful chance, an opening, and I’m going to seize my dream, and make it reality.

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Tiffany AlexisCharlie DavisJaiymeLynne RogersDeborah MyersDebra Feist Recent comment authors
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Charlie Davis
GOLD

Wow! Such a beautiful experience and an inspiration! Thank you! Yes! Sometimes we do win. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Love surely is the glue of the cosmos.

JaiymeLynne Rogers
Member
Member

Tiffany Alexis,
Thank you for sharing your story. You are an inspiration. I am so happy for you. Tears of joy down my cheeks as I read it, you wrote with such emotion, I was right there with you. Now your future is going to be your truth also. I wish you all the best. We should all have such a loving, accepting family.
Here’s to a wonderful, joyful 2020 for us all.
Thanks again,
JaiymeLynne

Deborah Myers
Member
Member

Good for you Miss Tiffany. I wish I got the same from my family. I enjoy being a woman and the things that go with it. I get support from a few of my closest friends but my family will not speak to me. I have one good friend who is trans like me but lives far enough away that it is difficult to get together. It is refreshing to see someone who is getting not just support but support that fills a deep need. I am a veteran and the Army does not really accept me and my own… Read more »

Debra Feist
Member
Member

Great story,I am like you and finally happy the way I am.My family knows Debra is staying for good.Glad to see you have support from your mom,brother and his wife

Traci Lynn
Member
Member

That is a beautiful story, more so because its true and from your heart. I am so happy for you and can only hope my family is half as accepting as yours. Your truley blessed. Hugs Traci Lynn

Katrina Stanchfield
Member
Member

I’m so happy for you Tiffany!! This post gave me the biggest smile. May 2020 continue to be a supportive and affirming year for you. Thank you for your grace and for sharing this absolutely heartwarming story.

Cami
MANAGING AMBASSADOR
Member

You deserve every kindness in this word Tiff and my heart sings for you reading this wonderful tale of acceptance and love..

Josie Jay
SILVER
Member

What a wonderful family you have Tiff!! Small wonder you turned out as awesome as you did. I loved that story so much hon.

Charlene V
Member
Member

Tiffany, Thank you for sharing. Heartwarming and so encouraging. I am so happy for you. Surely when we are loved with this kind of abandon it must provides amazing ingredients for our own, and may we say your own family’s growth.
Hugs,
Charrie

Anne Preuss
Member
Active Member

Tiffany, thank you for sharing your warm, heartfelt story. I am so happy for you that your first Christmas as Tiffany with your family was a smashing success. I close my eyes and I can feel you standing on the porch, heart pounding as you pause those long seconds before pressing the doorbell, filled with apprehension. Then I feel the love as familiar arms wrap around you, welcoming you. It is wonderful to know that you will have many loving family members to support you as you continue your transition to Tiffany. Love and hugs to you, Anne

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Guest
Gianna Bonita

Tiff, I’m so happy for you. In fact, I have tears of happiness whilst reading your story. Bless you and your family. And happy new year. Yours will be wonderful I am sure. Hugs Gianna

Tessa Cee
AMBASSADOR
Member

Wow, Tiff!
Is the first thing I have to say.
This isn’t a congratulatory reply. It needs to be something more than that.
*HUGE HUG*
I just want you to know how happy I am for you!
May we all see ourselves more clearly in 2020. wink

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