They say with age comes wisdom. It also brings a confluence of memories and wishes. For those of us who see the world as being more than male and female it typically brings more heartache and unanswered questions. I know that I’m part of the new 40 having just turned 60, but as I look at my friends and classmates from high school on Facebook, I see less wisdom and more age. That’s not meant as a knock on them. You know, “Once a… still a…”
What would they all say if I suddenly replaced my male cover photo with one of Brina’s? I can imagine, as I’m sure most of you can also, and to those of you who have actually done it, I’d love to hear what happened. We have a safety net here at TGH and over on CDH where we can choose how much of ourselves (true or otherwise) to reveal to others. Is this the real world or is it Facebook? Yeah, I know, a huge debate that could go either way. Which one tells more truth? More lies? Which one gives us an accurate picture of the “Real World or Real me?”
Has my ship sailed as I become an older crossdresser who has transgender feelings but no idea of what it all means? I worry that my ship to pursue other options might be leaving port without me. My right leg has sciatica in it, (makes walking in those beautiful and dangerous stilettos more difficult and comical) and my body doesn’t want to give me any hope or help in staying fit and healthy. I can honestly say that some days I think about packing it in (not me; all the tapestries that are Brina.) That’s easily overcome and more of a mere prick at my insides as I buy the dress or wig that has caught my eye. No, Brina isn’t ever going into hiding again. Still, I feel like I’m running for the dock and trying to catch my ship before it sails away. And what if I miss it?
Isn’t that the imperative question we ask ourselves, not just in my case wondering if there is a future where I leave my maleness behind for good, but in the way we all watch time race by. Summers pass so quickly now, and birthdays stack up that I sometimes recite the wrong age. That is exactly the wrong perception to have. Believe that time is lost and thus it shall be. Now that I’m 60, I see death as a shadow that stands at a corner watching me consider whether I can generate enough burst of speed to safely cross the busy street without being plowed into by a charging truck. I do, as long as my knee doesn’t give out.
Maybe, I’m just trying to catch the wrong boat. I’m not really interested in the Party Cruise ship, or the fancy yacht, not even a speed boat. My style is more of a canoe down a leisurely river or across a calm lake while taking in the scenery along the way. It doesn’t matter how fast I get there or in the fanciest way, but instead in the peace (much needed) that the journey can offer. That feeling has no time limits placed on it. I won’t lie and say that I don’t wish that what I know now wouldn’t have been great to know 40 years ago. That was a different time, and I’m not sure I would have listened anyway. If I don’t take the time to enjoy the journey what’s the point in going?
This lifestyle is a burden and it’s also a blessing. In my younger days, I saw only the burdens—that’s where I wish I had today’s understanding of things. I still carry the burden, but I recognize and embrace the blessings. I like the kinder me, the more forgiving me, the more understanding and accepting me. None of which would have been there had it not been for the burdens. In a world that preaches diversity but propagates difference and superiority through all avenues, we find ourselves one of the larger targets. The world fears our voices and our visibility. We have allies and enemies, sometimes in the same person as heart and mind are conflicted and societal norms are hard to escape. CDH and TGH are one example of where real change is taking place.
There is a worldwide culture war taking place. Ageless indoctrination is being challenged and if successful, the world will face the biggest upheaval imaginable. A true sense of inclusion means ditching all the labels for the sake of one: human. At the moment, neither side really wants that. Depressed groups have a louder voice when they can claim injustice and demand that others see and acknowledge, as well as accept their label. Those in charge don’t want to undo the existing hierarchy for the betterment of all when they will lose some of their power.
My life matters, my opinions, my pursuit of becoming me (to what end that might be), my role on this site, my words, my treatment of others, my openness to change, and understanding that which I don’t know, matters. I only have to open my eyes and see that there isn’t one ship docked and waiting for me, but an infinite number just offshore waiting to take its place. I hold a ticket that will allow me to board whichever one I choose. Until I do, I will be sure to enjoy the hustle and bustle on the pier, watching the gulls flying in the air, smelling the salt water, feeling the spray of the water, and hearing the sounds of life all around me. Oh, and I will make sure to only cross with the walk sign at the crosswalk and keep my attention on that truck in case it runs the red light.
Until next time….
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Sabrina,
Thank you for sharing. I haven’t been here in a while, and I read your article just now and it really hit home with me. How far to go to catch the ship, that seems to be the question. I know I am in the right place in my heart and mind, now to get to the right time. It will come, patience and perseverance will carry us through
JaiymeLynne
Thank you for the reply. I agree it doesn’t have to be defined or with a date, just being able to know you hold the ticket is what really matters 🙂
Hi Sabrina reading your thoughtful article was like looking in the mirror. I am currently 62 and came out to my wife and children this past January. Sadly my wife was not happy and divorced me. She has been supportive though. I have 4 children that also have been very supportive. I have been blessed with a wonderful family. This past week I posted on my facebook account that I am now living my life as Sarah and if anyone wants to stay in touch, to refriend me on my new account I set up. As of today 55 people… Read more »
I think it is wonderful that you have strong support and found the courage to take the next steps. One bad egg can ruin things and make life difficult…I agree with your statement on making the transition harder…our internal fears are usually much worse than the actual outcome. Thank you for commenting and sharing. It helped me 🙂
I love reading all the wisdom on transgender heaven and I am so happy to be a member and fact I am proud . Back forty years a go when I was in my twenty’s I was a pretty hot young woman but I was full quilt shame & fair and couldn’t figure things out . I thought I was the only person with these feelings and I always thought I would go in the ground never letting any one know. I came out to my wife about nine years ago tonight we celebrated thirty-nine years of marriage I could… Read more »
It’s funny you mention prom dress. My ex (during our 1st year of marriage) left for work and I had the place to myself. I couldn’t resist and did put on her prom dress, only to have her come home because she had the wrong day at work. We had a talk and I was told that if she ever caught me again we’d be through. Took her 23 more years to catch me…on a fluke…another story. She lived up to her threat. She also threw the prom dress away.
Thanks for sharing 🙂
Thank you Sabrina for posting your story. I am 72 and can certainly relate to what you are saying. I have a large family that I spend a lot of time with. My wife is the only one who knows of my femme side. She is non accepting. I still dream of living full time as Terri. Who knows maybe it will happen.
Yep, Terri, that’s the point, “Who knows?" There are a lot of us in that same place, but to declare it as never going to happen just adds more stress. I think we have to live our lives and keep an open perspective on what might come down the road.
Thank you for the comments 🙂
There is a lot here that many of us relate to–across the board. For those of us who are older, and trans, and have not transitioned, we ask ourselves a lot of important questions. I think, however, that as we get older, too, we care less about what people think. To the point of whether transition is ‘worth’ it or not, I can only say that the tipping point is authenticity. Is how I present to the world in boy mode the ‘real’ me? No. Never has been. Never will be. Tried hard to deny that reality, and like so… Read more »
Melissa, so very well put! Thank you for the comments. These are the types of discussions that many of us need to have, to understand that it isn’t necessarily I do or I don’t. There is so much ground in between that we must navigate and I think you said it very well when you said that it ultimately comes to living your truth. I think we all will have many defining moments on our journey that propels us forward toward that truth. For some, it comes early and for others, it might never quite happen or be later in… Read more »
Wow…you certainly said a lot about how I feel…wait! You were talking about you? I will be 66 next month, and lucky to be healthy, thin…no heels due to 16 leg surgeries over the past two years, but who cares? I thought I was merely a crossdresser, but something happened…I fell in love with me! Haley is both a gift and a curse, but most days I’d go with gift. I too have softened, become more passionate about social justice and causes that benefit the common good, and those ideals just seem to fit my feminine side…the side of me… Read more »
Haley,
I think you said it very well, especially to those of us who have no clear destination before us. If I were this or that I’d have an easier choice, but I’m not. Everything matters, and while I should be the most important component, I sometimes feel the sacrifices are too high, at least in this present. This is one issue where heart and mind must agree or the success is severely in doubt. Thank you for the comments 🙂
Brina, you have asked the question we all face as we get older. And I found that there really is no correct answer for me. The good angel on onenshoulder says, “You can be, if you want." The bad angel on the other shoulder has a Netflix series telling me of the impossibility. At 67, I ignored BA. A year later, I’m glad I did. But the series stays on the channel. I, too, have health issues, and worry full surgery won’t be available. But something my life taught me is that I am able to do this. Maybe I’m… Read more »
I like the angel analogy. I tend to think of them as my mind and heart. Not always are they in direct conflict and even agree more often than not. Thanks for the comments and insights 🙂
You have a lot on your mind Brina, your friends on Facebook would expect who ever you are as long as your comfortable with.i think you look great as girl, you look like a mature women and not a drag queen.ive in front of the mirror with my women’s dresses on and it feels good, sexy but I’m way too manly looking and I would look ridiculous with make up on in heels. I’m just coming to terms with the fact that I like chicks with dicks.
Your a brave girl and you look good, go with it.
Alex,
Thank you for the compliments and comments 🙂