The need to transition for many of us can literally become a life or death affair. The effects on overall health, the constant stress, anxiety, and self-loathing caused by not accepting your true self can affect the physical, emotional, and mental health of trans men and women. It can become too much for any one person to deal with.
I watched the movie “Different for Girls” again last night. I’d seen it many years ago. I hadn’t intended to watch a movie with a transgender theme, but it was the first time that I could put a label on who I was. I associated my feelings with those of the character, “Kim” in the movie. This was before cellular phones, social media, and the internet were accessible to everyone in South Africa. I happened upon the movie as I was lying on the couch at my parent’s house. It was late at night, and I watched the movie alone. As the plot unfolded and I realized Kim used to be a boy who transitioned into an insecure, somewhat scared trans woman. I knew then that I finally had a label for what I was dealing with in my life. Up to that stage, I thought I was a crossdresser who questioned their sexuality all the time and compensated for it by pretending to be this macho guy doing all things manly. I was living in a conservative household and community, and it was scarier than telling anyone how I felt. While watching the movie, I cried continuously. I really struggled for years after that to accept the reality that I was a transsexual.
Facing your true self, in the end, is unfortunately just as costly as always trying to run from the truth. At this point in my life, I still struggle to see how much good will come from the fact that I can no longer ignore my true self.
My story probably follows the same pattern as so many other transgender women out there. Some years later, I finally told my wife and family the truth. Not one of them accepted the fact that I am transgender, insisting that some sort of trauma must have caused me to feel this way. They stuck to this belief even after telling them I’ve felt this way for as long as I can remember. In the end, I got back in the closet and couldn’t face hurting them because of who and what I am. Besides, I was married by then with children. My family didn’t deserve this over their heads as well.
I hid my transgenderism and continued with life as usual, with a few lapses over the years, which caused tremendous problems at home when my clothes or makeup were discovered. Finally, in 2009, I accepted myself for the first time, making peace with whom and what I am. I decided acceptance on its own had to be enough because my family still didn’t deserve the devastation and social ridicule that having a transgender husband and father would bring on them. So, I still continued to hide the truth from the world with occasional counseling when I wasn’t coping on my own. In 2018, at 45, I became very sick as the constant anxiety caused my blood pressure to spike to very dangerous levels. They admitted me to the hospital. A slew of tests was done, and I learned much about myself, which helped to shed light on some questions I had regarding my medical history. I always had a sense that something in my past medical history might have played a role in what I felt. In the end, they placed me on chronic anxiety medication, and new blood pressure meds, and life went back to normal. Everyone thought it was pressure from work that caused my health problems, but honestly, as someone who works in education there isn’t that much pressure besides teaching is the one thing I used to enjoy, but also an obstacle to being able to transition.
A year later, I decided to start my transition in early 2020. I resigned from my job, started a business, and planned everything out as carefully as I could. COVID-19 ended up being the new obstacle.
My business struggled and wasn’t profitable. That forced me to take a new teaching position in order to take care of my family. I have often read you reach a point where you can’t continue the lie any longer. I tried to convince myself that I could live with it for the sake of those I love. I have to admit; that I am not that strong. I could not continue living a life where I pretended to be something in order to make everyone around me comfortable and help them feel secure… sadly, this realization meant my family wouldn’t have a choice but to face the facts. They willing ignored it for over ten years. I am sure that my choice to transition will not be accepted by my family. I hope that my two daughters will someday accept the honest version of myself.
My family believes that being transgender or gay is a lifestyle choice. No amount of explaining, the evidence presented, or introspection will likely change their point of view. There is no anger directed at any of them. It took me years to make peace with myself. I can’t expect them to accept the truth so easily either.
Being transgender means you have to face yourself. Seek help and find a way to move forward in life. Choose the path that allows you to transition. It became my necessary step in order to not fall into an endless pit of depression and despair. I feel selfish, in the light of how many loved ones will be hurt, for those that end up struggling in dealing with my reality. They didn’t deserve or ask for it.
As a transwoman, I am starting a new life, but so much of what is good in the life I have built may be lost in tears and pain. I struggle with this. I wish I could make everyone understand I’m not trying to hurt anyone; I am trying to save my own life.
More Articles by Michelle Stephenson
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Michelle Stephenson
Latest posts by Michelle Stephenson (see all)
- Extraordinary Short-term Benefits of starting Therapy and HRT - August 19, 2022
- The Cost of Transitioning - June 2, 2022
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Thank you to each and every person who responded to my article. I have to single out Tom Hood’s response. What you say is so true. I am acutely aware of how difficult this is for my family to process and it isn’t easy for many people, especially in very conservative families and communities to accept that someone is transgender. In the end not everyone in your family will accept you for the real you, but being aware of how difficult it must be for these close family members to process and come to terms with reality and how much… Read more »
I am so glad you shared this. This is so similar to my own journey, and I know there are many more of us in a similar boat, so to speak. Just wanted to let you know that sharing your journey thus far has helped at least one person. Thank you!
Thank you Michele for sharing your journey. Having been reading these journeys for twenty years now because of my interest in gender identity, Your family ties always require work, because we have shared our love with each of these persons and they are now having to adjust to a person that they thought they knew deeply but know recognize that you had more to share with them than they had known. For some people they feel like you had not told them something that meant a great deal to you and they feel left out of the journey that you… Read more »
I was unable to comment on each reply individually but felt like this morning I wanted to say something that I feel is very important. I know my spouse loves me very much, but she cannot accept the fact that I am a transgender woman. This weekend in the midst of trying to explain and get her to understand I felt something break inside of me. I realized that loving me does not mean that other people sometimes even our loved ones will see that there is a human being behind all this who is really trying to cling to… Read more »
Thank you for this article. It is very timely and very much could be my story. I’m curious the medical reference. I was born in 1967 and my mom took DES to save the pregnancy. I’m convinced that is why I am who I am. I wish you well on your journey. I feel like I am at the precipice of mine. Though the “fall” will be wonderful in the end. I know that but still that next step is so difficult.
The phrase “at peace with yourself” is what matters. Cancer has taken me on a similar trajectory, a journey of years to conclude that being true to ones self is my path as well. I fully understand that there are those that will be hurt or feel betrayed… but from past experience I’ve learned the personal lesson that those who stick by you when the chips are down… who truly value your humanity in its entirety… are the ones you are lucky to have found and will always be there for you. Like you, I’m going to follow that yellow… Read more »
Thank you for sharing your heart full story, Michelle. Like so many here, your story reminds me so much of my past. I can relate to much of the emotional difficulties with it all. I wish you the best on your continuing transition and may things smooth out for you in time.
Susan R🌷.
I’ve heard many transwomen say COVID put a roadblock in the way for them, but for me it was a help to make rapid progress! Being able to hide my facial hair with a mask while presenting otherwise as a girl in public was and still is quite wonderful. Yes, I too had to finally make a stand with not only myself but with my wife of over 40 years. I could no longer hide from who I truly was and said to my wife who knew I at times wore women’s clothes, “I’ve got to move forward. I can’t… Read more »
Michelle, There are so many parallels in our stories it is uncanny. I came out to my wife in 2004, buried it, again in 2010 and 2016. And finally 2019. My wife did not accept the fact that I am transgender until two things; she independently read up on the subject and I accepted it myself. We have had our ups and downs. Every couple will. Open communication has been the key for us and when I was trying to hide from myself I was closed to everyone else. My favorite part of the movie is when Kim comes out… Read more »
I have thought about how closed off I have become over all the years and how the fact that I took so many years to make peace with myself also kept my wife stuck hoping things would change. Thank you for the kind response to the article.
Michelle
Lee and Lauren thank you so much for the comments on my article. It was a very personal article and I had a profoundd need to pen down what I feel. I have learnt that we are often stronger than we give ourselves credit and moving forward is so important. If we don’t we will some day not recognise the person who we have become. My advice to anyone who finds themselves in the same boat where your network of family and friends don’t accept and support you is to not waste time in build a new circle of friends… Read more »
I get it… most of us here have been there, and some, like myself, are there now. I came out to my wife just shy of four weeks ago. We talked a little, talked a little more in the following two days, and then nothing, life moved on. I did not want to push buttons further and so I let the dust settle – as you stated, I too “got back in the closet." Then, the beginning of this week it all came crashing down. My wife said, “it’s over." She wants a divorce. I tried to discuss the matter calmly,… Read more »
Hi Michelle, Oh, I’m crying. My heart aches for you. I know exactly what you’re going through as I have had to make the same decision. It IS NOT A CHOICE! Do people choose the color of their hair or eyes or whether they’re left or right handed? We are born this way! Tell them to do some simple research on transgenderism and their eyes might be opened a bit, but it sounds like you, as I am, are dealing with stubborn people with closed minds. My youngest brother and my daughter WILL NOT accept me as a trans woman,… Read more »