Many of you, who have been on both sister sites, may have read my articles on CDH. I thought it was time to share one here. The best topic to get it started is my personal feelings of why I chose to join this site. It’s as simple as the difference in a day. I live in Iowa, so trust me; I’ve seen everything in a day’s time. It can start out snowing and cold, end up with sunshine and in the 50’s, temperatures can go from 90 to 60 in less than an hour. In so many ways, this is how I live as I try to balance inner-feelings on whom, and what I am.
What makes a crossdresser? What defines transgender? What does it mean to be gender neutral? The questions of how to define our labels far outweigh the respective answers. Simply put, I don’t know what I am. If I could magically transition 100 percent to womanhood…90% of the time I’d say, “Sign me up!” And yet…that 10% worries about what might be lost, and that 10% holds some pretty hard notions not easily circumvented. All it does is bring more “IF” into it. If I don’t lose this, I’d do it. If I can look this way, ok, maybe. If, if, and If; the ifs are never silent or resolved. I’m much more than a crossdresser, I know this. I don’t hate my male self; I just identify more with the inner-women–mentally. It’s taken me 50 plus years to acknowledge this.
I see this site as the more serious sister to the fun-loving sister that is CDH. I came here to learn more about the possibilities, to hear other’s stories, and to feel… I wanted to share in the triumphs and pain, because I need to know; that 10% needs to know. One of the things I do is look at the pictures that other’s post, looking for the woman that has emerged, or lurks just under the surface. I think that is why I’m here; I have a woman lurking inside of me, wanting to express herself, maybe even switch places with the host. It’s a balancing act that doesn’t seem to be gaining traction either way—and maybe…that’s okay. I’ve grown as a person the last six years. I wouldn’t have done that if I hadn’t broken up from my last relationship to live on my own (going on seven years now.) I’ve been in a “hidden” relationship all of my life, other than after my divorce, which lasted less than 2 years. It’s been nearly 35 years of fighting my inner-woman in order to satisfy the relationship, only to still fail in the end. I understand the intricate whys of my failings more every day.
It’s taken all of the last six years to unwind, to allow, and to accept; I am just as much Brina as I am male. I don’t hate her, or me. I let my mind wander and dream, to ponder what might be verses what could be. Each month frees me a smidgeon more to be a willing partner in my personal evolution. I am not alone; the world is changing. Spend time on this site, CDH, Flickr, and others and it’s easy to see that our numbers are staggering. It brings me comfort…and hope. I don’t have a Brina voice, or a Brina attitude. When I’m dressed the same voice speaks inside my head, it doesn’t change. I don’t don a dress or nylons to satisfy a fetish…I admit, I once did, but I evolved, much in the same way that I identify with being a crossdresser and transgender. I’m moving more towards the other end of the spectrum.
One last thing…oh, you’ll hear more from me as I love to write, but I want to throw on my editor’s hat for a moment. It’s been a blessing to help others share their stories here and at CDH. The articles have always been the most important part of the sites or me. I think that is even more so here. I invite you to share your stories, the heartaches, the trials, and the triumphs. I need to hear them; I’m not alone, others need them as well. We all have more questions than we have answers, more fears than certainties, and more doubts than assurances. Sharing with each other is a form of therapy, helping in our search for answers and similarities, and letting us gather hope that we may find better tomorrows.
More Articles by Sabrina MacTavish
- That Ship has Sailed
- Label me Proud
- Illusion and Expectations
- Afterwards and Afterthoughts
- At What Point?