The Seeds of ‘Passing’

Overcoming some of the insecurities of being transgender

The whole concept of Passing is just one of the issues that we are likely to confront at some point on our journey. Learning to be comfortable enough to break through that mind barrier and to be able to venture outside of our home and sanctuary, irrespectively whether we are at the beginning of our journey or not.

I understand and sympathise with anyone who is, or has gone through this, but think it is a process that we need to go through and empower ourselves to go beyond that point with a higher degree of awareness and confidence. While I fully subscribe to that, I also feel that the idea of Passing is a mindset where if we get it right, we give ourselves permission to be who we want, if we fail to see how we can trap ourselves by our thinking, it could hold us back by redefining who we believe we can be.

The feeling of needing to Pass is a result of conditioned thinking that we adopt unwittingly and unconsciously through what we refer to as social pressure and the ‘norm’. But those concepts and ways of looking at the world, are simply the beliefs of others, who do not have to deal with the displacement that we need to manage and resolve, just to have a basic simple and happy life.

Feed your thinking

We have the right to live by our beliefs as much as those who wish to impose theirs onto us; their objective being that we comply with their views, allowing them to keep ‘their world’ intact and with no reason to question any of their own thinking, assuming that we are the ones that need to reassess our own place in this world. And there lies the root of that problem!

Perhaps the need to Pass is a confidence trick that we willingly go along with, where we convince ourselves that we do look good enough to Pass. Or is it, that we need to feel good enough to Pass?  So, is this about our own beliefs then? Well, maybe it is and perhaps that is more the key to being happy with who you are. When we are able to meet our self-imposed criteria in Passing that we have created for ourselves and / or learn to accept and be absolutely comfortable with who we are, is when we can feel that we have accomplished our goal in Passing successfully.

Rays of sunshine

I understand fully the desire to look as feminine as we can and it is something that I am conscious of about myself. The reality of my progress has been that, the longer I have lived my true self, the less I am concerned about what people think of me and don’t feel the need to wear makeup if I go out. I have grown into being Sophie in such a way, that I know that if someone can’t see me as a woman and considers me to be somewhat masculine, I really don’t care what they think; it’s simply their belief and not mine. I know exactly who I am and don’t need confirmation from anyone to establish that.

What I wish to present here is suggesting a way of looking at how we feel and believe about ourselves but with absolute honesty, because the only one we will fool will be our self if not! What we wear does not make us a different person; it can make us feel pretty, happy, confident and lift our spirits, but we remain the same person with the same mind and thoughts. There it goes, arriving back at our thoughts again!

Stepping into the garden to think

For a moment, I ask you to think of your mind like your precious flower or vegetable garden. One where you carefully plants seeds, care and nurture them with regular attention, watering them when needed to ensure they sprout and grow into healthy plants, feeding them as they grow to create the best possible examples we can create. A seedling grows into a small plant and ready to be placed in your garden and out into the forces of nature. Our lives can be compared so easily to that, from a new born, infant, young child, teenager and then adult when we deal with the ‘forces of nature’. Created by our parents, being taken care of until we can face life on our own merits. Our mind ‘garden’ is where most of what we perceive as obstacles can be created by our own thoughts. Our garden is the place that is one of the more important areas of ourselves that we need to devote time, to allow us to enjoy the splendor, when the flowers bloom and fruit and vegetables are ripe for the picking. The summer of our lives is when we have weeded, watered and nourished our tender seedlings to become the magnificent and most colorful, perfumed and delicious things of pure beauty in nature and become ourselves in true color and glory.

Learn to think of yourself as one of those seedlings, care and look after yourself with tender love and passion on a regular and methodical basis, knowing that in only a matter of time your efforts will be rewarded by the powers of nature and deliver you to the summer garden of your life.

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Born in London, England and a life long journey incorporating two marriages and a long relationship that eventually brought me to France. My two children and all of my family are fine with my choice to finally be the person I have always been. I am a creative, artistic soul who loves good food,cooking and real friends. Will I ever fall in love, will someone fall in love with me and does it matter? I have the love of my family and some very good friends in my life

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James Oberg
James Oberg (@jamies21)
15 days ago

Hello , Thank you for writing this post . For I am very new here and reading some of the forms is making me be more clear about this and how to really be myself as a transgender M to F . This is something that I have been hiding for so long from my wife of 21 years . Well let’s just say that I am very happily married still and she is now helping me . At first I was so scared to tell her put when I started to open up to her she also opened up… Read more »

Jackie Renee Orlando
Jackie Renee Orlando (@jackiereneeorlando)
1 hour ago
Reply to  James Oberg

Hi James, i am a Married Transgender Woman and i have been on HRT for 10 months. I have a Wife and a 22 year old daughter who just moved out to live with her husband to be. I too was terrified to tell my wife and daughter but i did tell them, and the both support me in my transition overwhelmingly, and i am so blessed. In my group therapy, I learned this wonderful support is not always the case. However, i would like to share with you. What my daughter said to me the moment after o told… Read more »

Mae
Member
Mae (@davidamae)
1 month ago

What a wonderful point of conversation. When I was a youngster born in ‘59 – in the later 60’s the old guard taught what it was to be a man. I think it was the late 70’s when the war on Machoism began. The older men we’re trying to form the young men as they had be taught and formed while Society was trying to soften and create a less aggressive and dominant male. While at the same time influencing women to be just that, more assertive and confident well less feminine and more masculine. So what intrigues me about… Read more »

Mae
Member
Mae (@davidamae)
1 month ago
Reply to  Mae

I DETEST autocorrect!!!!

Mae
Member
Mae (@davidamae)
1 month ago
Reply to  SophieFR

HaHaaa I agree regarding the media and stirring the pot to generate more anxiety which generates more news stories $$$$

Rami Love
Member
Rami Love (@ramilove)
1 month ago

Sophie
Nicely written,
Rami

Bri Sudbury
Bri Sudbury (@briannabutterfly)
1 month ago

Thank you so much this really hits home for me. I’m always trying to look better. My boyfriend says I dont need make up but it makes me feel better when wearing it. Do I really need it to pass maybe not in his eyes but in mine I do.

wendyswld@yahoo.com
Member
[email protected] (@wendyswldyahoo-com)
1 month ago

Carly, that insight about trying to pass for ourselves rings true. When I’m pleased with the way I’m dressed I go out with much more confidence.
Wendy

Debi Saunders
Member
Debi Saunders (@debi50s)
1 month ago

Hello Sophie

I have just reached the point where I have started to wear a bra and panties everyday under my male clothes. The fact that I am doing so makes me feel like I am a woman whatever external appearance I am showing to the world. I know I want that to be more feminine and will work on making myself look as good a woman as possible but.. I don’t think I care what others think. I am a woman.

Thanks for your lovely articles. Keep on writing!

Debi xx

Carly Holloway
Member
Member
Carly Holloway (@carlyellen)
1 month ago

Sophie, your articles almost always lead me toward deep thinking about different aspects of our adventures in life. I think of this process of transitioning as an adventure at all times. And like any good adventure, there are accomplishments and set backs and fantastic discoveries about who we are as people. As I thought about “passing”, I am struck by the question: For what audience am I striving to pass? The longer I ponder, the more certain I become of the answer. I believe that I am that audience. I am working to “pass” for myself. My personal ( and… Read more »

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