I hesitate to submit this as an article, as It doesn’t seem article-worthy. It is but simply a “play-by-play” of recent developments for me. Yet, I submit it in hopes that it might encourage someone in their pursuit of what may seem, at this moment, your impossible dream; living your own womanhood.
Since early September of last year, I have written a series of articles. They revolve around the theme of finally accepting my own truth: that I am trans and a woman at heart. In the articles, I present the many questions and struggles of my continued self-discovery, acceptance, and needed steps to live my authentic womanhood.
In August/September of 2023, after six decades of resistance on my part, I finally embraced an understanding of myself that has been there since my earliest memory. Like it or not, despite not choosing it to be so, the reality is that I am transgender. And though being trans doesn’t automatically make one a woman; after all the years of study, contemplation, and self-discovery, I have concluded that I want to be a woman because, at my core level, I am one.
With this new acceptance of my lifelong trans condition, I decided I would do what is so often encouraged in our community; find a good therapist, one that was at least familiar with gender issues. I also reasoned that the means of dealing with my gender incongruity, which I had not tried, was therapy. I chose to do what was so strongly recommended, thereby shelving my keep-it-in-the-closet approach. I did so through the online service “Better Help.” The dollars I spent for their help have been of great value.
I realized my gender dysphoria is deeply affecting my marriage. I asked that at some point we include my wife. Eventually, we did so. The value of that decision was to get my wife comfortable with my therapist, so she doesn’t feel like all these sessions are going on behind her back. My gender brokenness, though my personal condition, is by virtue of the “two becoming one union,” our condition to manage together, even as her issues both mentally and physically are also ours to manage together.
After five months of being as transparent and vulnerable as I have ever been in my private sessions, my therapist very candidly expressed her opinion and evaluation; Charrie is who I really am and that at my core, I am a woman.
She went on to explain how I was mistakenly assigned male at birth. Obviously, there was no ill intent on anyone’s part. My body was male so “it’s a boy,” was declared, celebrated, and I was reared accordingly. Living a male life was naturally nurtured, cultivated, and simply expected. As I grew older and aware of my gender dissonance, I chose to live a typical male life out of circumstance, appearance, convenience, and survival instinct. Where I am today in my journey is a consequence of that decision.
I cannot explain how huge that “diagnosis” was. Finally, after what seemed like eons, a third-party, independent source, confirmed what I longed to be real and what had been timidly declared in September; I am at my soul level a woman. As my therapist explained, “Your desire to be outwardly what you are at your heart, is but a normal outgrowth of expression that anyone who is gender congruent experiences. There is nothing abnormal about your desire to be a woman. After all, Charrie is who you really are anyway.”
Years ago, a fully transitioned friend who is a medical doctor, was talking with me. I was baring my heart to her in a way I had never done previously. She listened intently and then asked, “Charlene, do you know why you want all those things that a natal woman wants? It’s because you are not a male, you are a female at heart.” I spent the next 12 years running from that diagnosis. But when my therapist told me the same thing, it was an epiphany moment for me. I was done running; I was ready to receive and embrace.
As I have written before, for the sake of so many whom I love, for who I am responsible, and for whom count on me as the male in their lives, I don’t believe a full transition is wise or appropriate. My therapist recognizes this and explains that she is there to support me in whatever I choose.
However, therapy is now being approached from a female-male perspective, not the other way around. We are working on how Charrie, can create a life moving forward that meets my needs as a woman while ministering to the “many others and maintaining my strong Christian faith and practice.”
In the past, that mountain of challenges looked insurmountable, but with my therapist’s support, it is less daunting. The path before was to stay very closeted. The male was in control and all he could see was that the feminine part must stay closeted.
Now, Charrie and her therapist are working together to scale that mountain. The past male mindset viewed and supported the barriers to stopping progress. Those barriers are still there, yes, but the strongest of them, the purely male mindset has crumbled.
Because of my epiphany, accepting and embracing the reality of my legitimate womanhood, my mindset is different. Those challenges can be overcome. They must be. They will be overcome.
Long ago, I chose Victoria as my middle name. It is the feminine form of the male name Victor which means victory. I chose Victoria for that very connotation. Charlene Victoria will live authentically. She will be victorious. What that all means at this moment, I do not know, but with my therapist’s help, we will create a plan to make it happen.
And that dear sisters is the value of a therapist!
Blessings,
Charrie
More Articles by Charlene K
- Intentions
- Evolution in the Trans Life
- Where do I Go from Here?
- I Will Never Know; I May Never Know
- Trading one Question for Another
Charlene K
Latest posts by Charlene K (see all)
- The Value of Therapy - July 8, 2024
- Intentions - March 23, 2024
- Evolution in the Trans Life - December 12, 2023
Thanks for your nice reply. I was on HRT for a little over three years (regular counseling too!)…before I managed to secure my BA work. I’m delighted with my progress, so far. I suppose I could add that–occasionally–I’ll look down…and go “Whoa, look at these babies!!" (and maybe not quite believe the change)…but, ultimately, I feel VERY good about my “new body"…and other changes in recent years. As it happens, SOME cultures–through history–have recognized people who differ (some-times VASTLY) from what the “Western World" sees as “normal" gender expression. To name but a couple, there are East Indian culture….and culture… Read more »
Thank you for your article, it was very relatable. I started therapy five years ago after a nearly fatal mental health crisis. I recently started seeing a gender specialist to help me process who I am and what is happening in me. Thanks again for your vulnerability, it is very inspirational.
In case the “Legal-Beagles" among you want the legal side to this case (the last two paragraphs of the story I submitted)…. Green Briar college appears to be leaving itself open to a legal challenge (from both the US Dept. of Education and the US Justice Department.). According to legal experts trans-gender rights are protected under Title IX of the Education Amendments of 1972. Title IX is a federal civil rights law that protects students and athletes against gender-based discrimination…and it states that no one can be subject to discrimination on the basis of sex in federally funded education programs.… Read more »
This was the end of a news-story I submitted to Pacifica Radio outlet in L.A., KPFK-FM. In that venue, I’ appear as Bill Benton. In case the issue was not made clear…Green Briar is a women’s college in rural Virginia…which decided this summer to stop accepting trans women…to which there was QUITE an uproar among the students and several organizations.An excellent story, I think. Also, I found it very interesting that the school board used as the basis of their decision…the argument that they had to adhere to the school founder’s wishes in his will…but that will was penned in… Read more »
You bet. Thanks for the reply. ; )
Yes, Barbra, one needs to keep keenly focused, consistent and PERSISTENT with something like this (in my experience)…to meet one’s needs. I’m a little older than you…and finally “bit the bullet" some four years ago. I’ve been on HRT that long, and have rec’d great counseling …and even my BA (chest work) a few months ago (which I feel EXCEPTIONALLY good about). I’m STILL not sure I totally believe that this has happened…but when I occas-ionally “take a gander" at myself in a mirror…it feels like I’d received about the best B-day present EVER. My clinic in Los Angeles has… Read more »
Dr. Judith Orr Thank-you Judith for taking the time to write it was very informative. I’m so glad thing’s worked out.
Hugs Barbra
…and, yes, that IS me…in the little picture!!! Oh, I’ve done some work in the News Dept. at this local Pacifica Radio outlet (KPFK-fm), in Los Angeles, over the years. Just now I submitted a GREAT story about a women’s college in Virginia (Green Briar College), which HAD been pretty liberal about accepting trans women appli-cants (“no big deal!!")…but JUST this SUMMER…decided to reverse their policy and ONLY accept “cis" women…which raised a LOT of out-rage..from the student body…and various groups. The “Rebel Alliance News" airs at 6 p.m. (PDT)(probably with my story!)…which you may “grab" on FM radio (90.7… Read more »
Charlene, thank you for sharing this wonderful article. I turned 67 this year our life experiences are very similar.I wanted to be a girl at the age of 5 and started crossdressing at 9 and never stopped except for the times after purging. I started therapy 6 months ago and after 3 months my therapist and Primary care physician both agreed that I was ready to start hormones therapy,but I hesitated. In the the meantime my doctor and consuler have moved. I have an appointment with a new primary care physician next month. I have also been attending a transgender… Read more »
Charlene K Amazing. You should have transitioned when your friend told you. But maybe that wasn’t the right time to do it. I’m happy you finally did it.
Julie Hi Julieta, Just wanted to be clear that I haven’t actually transitioned yet. However, after working with my therapist, I am surprised at how much more open I am to it and how that which once seemed impossible now seems much more possible.
Kindly,
Charlene
Ah I misread your comment sorry. Whatever happens now. Good luck girlfriend!
Charlene K MAJOR Congrats, Charlene!! ; )
That was QUITE a “reveal!!" THANKS.
Charlene K Your story is certainly article worthy. It is such a beautiful depiction of your struggle and finally acceptance of Charrie, as your true self. I am sending you good thoughts as you navigate the journey ahead and what that means for you. i also agree with your decision to seek therapy. That, for me, has been my turning point as well. She has helped me accept and not just acknowledge who I am. That was a real trigger for me. By the way my therapy sessions have been online and they have worked well for me. I… Read more »
Charlene K I thought maybe I’d say something about how Dr. Jung “reminded us" that we ALL have “male" and “female" aspects…and that what organs you happen to have do NOT totally define who you are. Now, not to get to far “out there," I had a reading from a medium just after HS (Sure, MANY are fakes or nuts!)(and I’m skeptical of MUCH of this “New Age" stuff these days)(though I’m a strong supporter of “Holistic-Alternative Medicine!!" (because “Allopathic Medicine" (you know, the strictly drug and surgery based approach) does NOT have all the answers!!), and one of the… Read more »
Hi Charlene, I’m so glad that it finally worked out for you. I spent years hiding from my condition (I’m intersex), but finally embraced it and have been happier ever since. You can read more about my journey if you want by looking at my profile. Happy learning! From Marg, a Cheesehead across the border.
O What a great article and thanks for sharing. I too rely on therapy and also started out on Better Help and had a wonderful therapist with plenty of LGBTQ experience but she retired. So I reached out to the local Trandgender chapter here in SC and they provided a therapist locally. She is wonderful! We had a virtual visit first time and next week I am going to have in person visit as Miss Hope and make a girl day out of it. I also am in the “accept and embrace” phase also and trying to find balance! Hugs,… Read more »
You go girl! Be the best Miss Hope you can be.
Hope Roberts TERRIFIC!!!
Charlene K When people join us who are early in their journey, I will often suggest that they seek a therapist. The reason is that for the vast majority of us, this ALL uncharted territory. We have not been down this road before. We don’t know what to expect, whether good or bad.Also, there is A LOT OF FEAR surrounding questioning our gender identity. This can blunt our forward progress and maybe stop it altogether. A therapist experienced in gender issues call ask the right question and explain some things that we don’t know.
DeeAnn Hopings Hi DeeAnn, thank you for your reply. As usual you bring much wisdom to the conversation. Much appreciated.
Kindly,
Charlene
I wish I could find a therapist, but being out in the country hours away from one isn’t an option for me. I know I could do one on-line but that seems to take the human factor out of the therapy. So far I have been able to handle my situation, though not being easy. These articles help more than one can imagine. The hardest part was share to my soul search with my wife of 44 years and having her accept Mia unconditionally. I have been so blessed to have a life partner that understands and helps in my… Read more »
Mia St. John Hi Mia,
I mentioned my article the on line platform I used. To be sure it is not face to face, but if you choose video is available.
I would say if there is nothing close to you then give on line a try. No ling term commitments etc. And as Deann noted in her reply this is uncharted territory for you and your precious wife. I would say a guide into and through this part of your journey is do important.
PM me if you want to chat more.
Hugs,
Charlene
Mia St. John OK, time for a bit of Tough Love.The onus is on the therapist, not the client. A good therapist is reading what you say, how you say it, your choice of words, facial expressions, your body language and how all these things work in concert. The therapist has to process all of this in order to understand what you are saying. The body language part is what they are missing, but my guess is that since the pandemic they have figured out how to work around that.So, they have to figure out if you are saying is… Read more »
Thanks for your insights DeeAnn.
DeeAnn Hopings I’m going to disagree–somewhat–with DeeAnn. First, I have NO idea what you mean by an “onus." Briefly, “Old School" assumes that the counselor/ psychotherapist will assume the “doctor’s role" (as the “Big Chief" expert) and analyze what is going on with the client (even to the point of establishing a diagnosis) ….and do something in the way of “fixing" the client/patient. And MOST particularly if he/she is a psychiatrist (though I HAVE known a couple of these who have been relatively enlightened). “New School" is to see working with a client as a “helping partnership" (with the counselor… Read more »
Dr. Judith Orr My choice of words has to do with an online therapy session. There are some nonverbal aspects of communication that the therapists usually have, but are not available, or partially available in an online situation. Therefore, the onus is on the therapist to figure out what to do while not having the full complement of nonverbal information. Anyway, the point is that, mechanically, an in person situation versus an online situation isn’t entirely the same but it is better than nothing even though it may make the situation more difficult for the therapist.Sometimes our body language can… Read more »
DeeAnn Hopings Ah, thanks for explaining. Though maybe a better word would be “responsibility," rather than “onus." “Onus suggests culpability (or wrong-doing), which I’m not sure applies in the counseling situation.
Yes, you’re certainly right that counseling over the phone…is a little diff. than with an ACTUAL “in-person" session.
Dr. Judith Orr https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/onus Definitions a or b would apply.
Mia St. John Just a thought, Mia: There is a discipline known as EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) which can produce very impressive results…related to “old patterns" (or “baggage"), such as PTSD, OCD and phobias. I have used this with clients, and on myself…sometimes with miraculous results. Best with a therapist for the first few times…but one CAN do it alone (if you’re adventuresome)…and there ARE youtube videos on this approach. In the way of “brainstorming," I might mention another “technique." In the mid-nineties (and I’m not–at all-sure how I discovered it), I found something I call “Cry Therapy." I’d go… Read more »
Dr. Judith Orr
Thank you Judith, I will need to look into it.
Mia St. John You BET. Best of luck!!!
I’m going to disagree–somewhat–with DeeAnn. “Old School" is to assume the “doctor’s role" and analyze what is going on with the client. “New School" is to see working with a client as a “helping partnership" (with the counselor assuming the role of facilitator) and having the intention of establish-ing rapport, bringing his/her “authentic self" to the sessions…and, as a start, to reflect back to her what she’s saying (for validation and clarification of what is occurring). Then, there may be various “tools" (such as role-playing and EFT) to more quickly process old content, sometimes result in insights…and, occas-ionally, “reality checking."… Read more »
What a lovely story and well worth posting here. Many of us have barriers either self imposed or actual. The fact that you have finally realised that you can no longer fight those internal deamons and be your real self is heart warming. Good luck with your journey and from someone on the other side, congratulations. Biggest hugs. ❤️ ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Mistress B Hi Mistress B. I really appreciate the words of encouragement from “someone on the other side."
When I was a child I was often picked to be in a certain side. However now as an adult it is my choice what side I will join. I know what side I want to be on, But I am finding it challenging to just up and join.
Kindly,
Charlene