Today via the past

To be sure exactly who we are at times is often obscure. Today, I am the most unsure I have ever been.

Growing up as the youngest of five in a single parent home, I had many good times and wouldn’t change any of it. A family friend influenced me, and I think it changed the course of my life at a very young age. Although I was able to make my own decisions, I usually went along with whatever was to be.

At first I had a lot of guilt, but I was easily influenced each time and eventually adapted to the routine, and the rest is history. At the age of 25, I decided I needed to be hetero, living life by hiding from my past, and yet secretly seeming to always be comparing the past to the present.

After two and a half failed marriages, I have come to realize that I may have issues affecting my daily life. I need to think about and then try to understand how all of this impacts me.

When I discovered the transgender world, I wanted to learn as much as I could about it. I tried to understand the similarities in my own life. I’ve always known that there is a part of me, something within me that is not masculine and likes everything feminine.

Every day, I hide behind a masculine mask, afraid to allow myself to reveal who I really am and show the world the true me. I am a transgender ally who has much love and compassion for all transgender people, and as I’m discovering, I have more in common than I once believed.

I’m sure there are others who may be a bit confused, same as me, but I would tell those who are afraid to come out to just do it and begin a new life without shame or guilt. Begin to live the life you really want instead of hiding. I still hide, I can’t help it, it’s why I wish for myself and others to stop being afraid and to start living their true life.

I’m becoming more accepting of myself, and I love and respect everything transgender.

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Chris Landwer

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4 Comments
  1. Tami C 5 months ago

    Hi Chris!

    Thank you for sharing your story. Lots of similarities to mine. I allowed fear to keep me “hidden” through three failed marriages, forty years and several suicide attempts. I was never confused about my sexuality I just DIDN’T want to be gay or transgendered. Thankfully we live in a time where both are becoming more accepted/tolerated in society; not that there isn’t prejudice and misunderstanding, there probably always will be to some extent.

    Please find someone you can talk to about your “issues” face to face, a counselor, a therapist, anyone you might be able to trust. The first time talking openly was the hardest for me but it’s gotten easier and less of a burden being somewhat in the open. Of course there are some people that are easier to confide in than others but getting it out in the open is soooo important. Counsellors/therapists are great choices for the first revelation as they are bound by confidentiality laws. Don’t allow that demon fear to convince you to waste to many precious years.

    Good luck in your journey and thanks again for your story!

    Love to you
    Tami

    • Author
      Chris Landwer 5 months ago

      I’m sorry you had such a turbulent past. I am okay with who I am , but I will never revel my true self except to those who will understand and appreciate my situation. I am masculine except I love fem things, especially people.
      I would love to chat more with you and if you would like to text or use the phone my number is: 978 317 3052. I’m in the Boston, MA area.
      Thank you for your input

  2. Cynthia S 5 months ago

    Chris,
    Thank you for sharing-you make some great points. I was the 6th out of 7 kids in my family and first started exploring my feminine side at age 11. I read everything I could find in the public and university libraries (you know?-the places with actual paper books you could check out; this was the late 70s into the early 80s before Al Gore had “invented” the internet 😀).
    Anyway I have always felt I had a strong feminine component and didn’t feel like I fit the stereotypical male mold, but had always thought I was “just” a crossdresser (not being pejorative-just for clarity). As I evolved over my adult years (and went through a failed 13 year marriage-which gave me two wonderful kids), I realized there might be more to it than I had thought (I think my ex-wife realized it before I did). I have been on a journey of exploration and discovery in the last 5-8 years and that journey is ongoing. I am more open in going out as Cyn and though I am most definitely NOT out completely and also NOT yet certain of my destination, I DO spend a lot more time in Cyn mode and there is a small but growing number of folks who know her.’(not including the thousands of members of CDH and TGH of course). I also know that while I don’t know how far down the road my journey will lead me , I DO know I’m not going BACKWARDS on it from where I am now. Cyn has spread her wings and is not going to be chained to the earth in a closet again. I did that for too many years and it would be too painful to give up the freedom and joy I have now by giving up. Anyway I have rambled too longbut thanks again for a great story!
    Cyn

    • Author
      Chris Landwer 5 months ago

      Thank you for sharing with me. I never thought I would like fem things and people so much. Many fem males are so much more attractive than some females who show there masc. side.
      You are brave and you should try to always be who you are. I need to find others who want to meet and chat about our personal situations and more.
      I would love to chat more if you’re interested.

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