Today via the past

To be sure exactly who we are at times is often obscure. Today, I am the most unsure I have ever been.

Growing up as the youngest of five in a single parent home, I had many good times and wouldn’t change any of it. A family friend influenced me, and I think it changed the course of my life at a very young age. Although I was able to make my own decisions, I usually went along with whatever was to be.

At first I had a lot of guilt, but I was easily influenced each time and eventually adapted to the routine, and the rest is history. At the age of 25, I decided I needed to be hetero, living life by hiding from my past, and yet secretly seeming to always be comparing the past to the present.


After two and a half failed marriages, I have come to realize that I may have issues affecting my daily life. I need to think about and then try to understand how all of this impacts me.

When I discovered the transgender world, I wanted to learn as much as I could about it. I tried to understand the similarities in my own life. I’ve always known that there is a part of me, something within me that is not masculine and likes everything feminine.

Every day, I hide behind a masculine mask, afraid to allow myself to reveal who I really am and show the world the true me. I am a transgender ally who has much love and compassion for all transgender people, and as I’m discovering, I have more in common than I once believed.

I’m sure there are others who may be a bit confused, same as me, but I would tell those who are afraid to come out to just do it and begin a new life without shame or guilt. Begin to live the life you really want instead of hiding. I still hide, I can’t help it, it’s why I wish for myself and others to stop being afraid and to start living their true life.

I’m becoming more accepting of myself, and I love and respect everything transgender.


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    Tami C
    Tami C(@princesstami)
    5 years ago

    Hi Chris! Thank you for sharing your story. Lots of similarities to mine. I allowed fear to keep me “hidden" through three failed marriages, forty years and several suicide attempts. I was never confused about my sexuality I just DIDN’T want to be gay or transgendered. Thankfully we live in a time where both are becoming more accepted/tolerated in society; not that there isn’t prejudice and misunderstanding, there probably always will be to some extent. Please find someone you can talk to about your “issues" face to face, a counselor, a therapist, anyone you might be able to trust. The… Read more »

    Cynthia S
    Cynthia S(@skippy1965)
    5 years ago

    Chris, Thank you for sharing-you make some great points. I was the 6th out of 7 kids in my family and first started exploring my feminine side at age 11. I read everything I could find in the public and university libraries (you know?-the places with actual paper books you could check out; this was the late 70s into the early 80s before Al Gore had “invented” the internet 😀). Anyway I have always felt I had a strong feminine component and didn’t feel like I fit the stereotypical male mold, but had always thought I was “just” a crossdresser… Read more »

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