Over the years I have had so many opportunities to accept my true self and begin a life of being the woman I so much want, but I denied and shamed myself my entire life. I left my family home at 19 years old to begin my adult life. I had no one to care for but myself. I shared a two bedroom apartment with a childhood friend and it was great; he was gone most of the week days, and that allowed me time to explore my feminine feelings by shopping for make up, clothes, shoes, etc. I was so happy; I loved the way I looked. I would go out at night dressed to night clubs to meet other girls like me. I got to experience men flirting with me.
But I really did not understand that this was the time to begin my real life as a young trans woman. I had it all. The looks, a little money, the time, and I was in a city where there were many trans women. The women were not accepted as they are now, but I could have roomed with another girl and begun my life.
Then something happened. I saw a childhood friend at the night club, but he did not recognize me; he was flirting with another young man. I found out he was gay and that the stories about him had traveled throughout the neighborhood. It was sad to watch and hear, and after I heard about his troubles I immediately took all my female clothing, makeup, and shoes, and threw them away in some filthy restaurant dumpster. My first big adult denial and shame.
I went and got a hair cut and began my adult life as a young man. I dated a few woman, and actually really enjoyed my self. I always dated woman that were cute and stylish, and I would wear their clothes when they were out or when they were asleep. I was fortunate to have a male body that was shorter than most men and a slight build. One of the woman that I dated called me her little hunk. Her clothes fit me perfectly. But I ended my relationship with her when she told me she dated a man that liked to wear women’s panties and she thought it was really weird. This knowing the whole time I was wearing hers.
At some point I got an opportunity to move to California, and I got an apartment just outside of San Francisco. Here was my second opportunity. I began to build my feminine life again. I went out in my male attire exploring places I could go where I could feel safe and be with other girls like me. Initially I could only find gay bars….a lot of gay bars. Places for men who like men. They were all so tall and handsome, well dressed. Too bad I was not attracted to them. Now I had to figure out what I wanted; it was all here. I was single making good money, with no baggage in a city that accepted any life style. I found a small night spot for trans people, both men and women, and I dated a few transwomen. I just felt more comfortable with transwomen.
I dated one that I told I wanted to dress and look pretty. She thought it was fun at first and told me not to look too much like a woman as it turned her off. There I was in a city that accepted any one, any life style, but everyone seemed to want a man. Straight women wanted men. Gay men wanted men. Transwomen wanted men. I was a transwoman that wanted a woman. But if I went as a man I had no problem connecting with someone. Apparently there was a shortage of real men. They were in high demand.
I finally found a woman who was a lesbian; she was pretty and she like me dressed as a woman. She was an electrician and she was looking for a wife to take care of her. And this started me questioning myself again. It didn’t work out, even though I seemed to have it all again and yet I let it go. I went into denial; hated and was ashamed of myself.
Soon after that I moved to LA. Found a two bedroom apartment that was available for 10 months and I started again living a man’s life dating women. One woman I dated sensed something was wrong, and asked me why was I afraid to commit. I so much wanted to tell her. She was so nice, but she wanted a man. I was a woman pretending to be a man. Still, it made me sad to let her go, but I could not deny the woman in me. At that time I started to fill the spare bed room with my feminine clothing. It was easy living in LA. Cute clothing everywhere and everything you wanted was available at a small cost. Again, no real baggage, and plenty of money living in Marina Del Rey, in a two bedroom apartment, alone and single, going out to trans bars dressed. I was in heaven.
But I never again found a woman that would accept who I was. I met a lot of trans women from Mexico and the Middle East. With some I dated I had the best time; we would share stories and other things. That was the last opportunity before I started collecting real baggage. It was people – children, a wife, in-laws, family, work friends; all as a pretend man. Oh, what have I done. So many times I had an opportunity to begin my life. And I just threw it away. I took it for granted.
Now I have to be very real. My decisions about finally dealing with my gender will have a direct impact on my children and their grandparents. I have acquired a lot of baggage; and not the throw away kind. I have a very loving wife that knows, but is waiting to see what I am going to do. Three lovely grandchildren that do not have any father in their lives. They will have to be supported. They have enough confusion. And I need to earn some type of a wage. My pension and savings are enough to carry my wife and me, but not for everyone. They did not ask for their life as I did not ask for a male body. But I have had to deal with it my whole life. And in my way have learned how to deal with it. But I have acquired too much baggage to transition right now.
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- Too Much Baggage to Transition - September 19, 2019
I could not believe you were talking about yourself, I thought you were talking about me.98% of our stories are the same,god bless you
I feel your pain I know exactly how you’re feeling. It’s like me looking in the mirror.you are not alone,But when I dress up I wish I had some one to share it with, I dream of the day when I can just hang out even for a day,Just being girl friends, just like you as I get older it seems to slip further away,But I will never give up my private time, of being the real me, the female I should’ve been,
I know wat I won’t in my life I feel happier contented in my own business?, I don’t have any hang up or stress with any thing .yet I feel other people do .I know I say sometime when other people in the city gorp stair looking at me like I’m some sort of well known phespian or politician.no I’m just me Charlotte-Mia happy Transgender male dressed as a female with nice makeup nice cloth my beautiful kittens on ?yet I have no tautness in my emotions when other people are indirect criticism over my look I’ve been fully dressed… Read more »
I’m a bit late for this thread but I just wanted to share my thoughts and experiences with HRT. I decided to start with my transition after 2 years of working with a therapist about every 90days with tuneup sessions.That was in June 2019, when I started my actual hormone therapy. She provided me with a letter explaining my gender dysphoria diagnosis.By the way I’m now 75, so it’s never too late to start. I am currently using Estradiol, Finasteride, and micronized Progesterone. The results are very subtle in the beginning and patience is required for hormones effectiveness is different… Read more »
Your story is very inspiring,
i have to do something soon it is sad to know all the time wasted and scary kmowing how fast it went. almost 50 years in a blink of an eye.one thing i know i will be holding my eyes wide open for the rest of my time
where to start? hormone therapy scares me, doctors scare me – I don’t trust any of them. Finally deciding I need to fix what has been wrong for so long scares me – and things like hormone therapy have no guaranties – especially at 65. will they even have and visible effects starting at this age? My story is similar to Stephanie’s in a lo of ways – so I thought i might offer my own -maybe it will help some one. From grade 1 in a catholic school – the teachers told my parents: “There is something wrong with… Read more »
Hi StephanieIn a lot I can relate to myself. I didn’t get girlfriends, I got girl friends when I was young, I’m 63. To make a long story short. It wasn’t until recently I accepted that I am a mtf transgender lesbian. To me it still sounds wierd, but that’s who I am, and at last I can embrace it with love. I still look to much of a man. How can I convince a leasbian cis woman that I (a man) is lesbian? Sounds difficult to me. But I will now do my best to find a woman like… Read more »
Hello Ladies and thank you all for your comments and these very touching and similar stories. I have known I was different since I was around 5 years old when I told my mother I should have been a girl. This did not go well she had told me I didn’t know what I was talking about and shuned me and made fun of me then told other family members and they told others and eventually it carried all the way in to my teens and school. I was ridiculed and tormented and bullied until high school. It was then… Read more »
Wow, these stories sound so familiar. Many times I believed that I was the only one….
Stephanie this article and the responses from the other ladies is what I need at the moment. Knowing I’m not alone. Similar circumstances to all you ladies. I’m 53 and have been married for 28 years and have a daughter who recently graduated college. I should be the happiest man alive because I have a great family, house, job. I built a pretty good life. But I’ve had this big secret. I thought I was a crossdresser but with the help of my therapist I’ve come to realize I’m a transgender woman. Why couldn’t I have realized this before. I… Read more »
Hi Angela You are not alone and it is very real. There is a lot at stake..Just take it slow and think it out.There is no time limit. I do not believe right now you have to come out and tell everyone like a lot of the other woman.There is just as much tragedy as there are success stories. I am beginning my transition by finally accepting my self. .That was so hard for me. I just did not understand why I had this intense feelings to accept my situation..Think about it just saying I am a woman in a… Read more »
You are not alone maybe we can help each other get through accepting or true selves
I too grew up in the 60s and 70s and couldn’t bring myself to even acknowledge my femme side until I was well into a marriage and career. I love my wife deeply and as of about 7 years ago could no longer keep this growing part of me secret. For her sake i now fear that perhaps I should have kept silent. It hurt her terribly. We are still together. I am not openly femme around her. I doubt very much she’ll leave me but the estrangement that my coming out to her began has only increased. Ironically, when… Read more »
Hi Jodi Thank you for your comment. I am not sure why we all thought this was something that would pass and it would be no big deal and we could go on living somewhat of a normal life like other men..It is a big deal and we involved other people in our lives without telling them first. I feel so bad about it. I know my wife of 38 years wants me to be happy . She knows about the clothes and does not mind as long as i keep it somewhat discreet and not to feminate sorta of… Read more »
Jodi, I can relate to what you say about estrangement. Although my wife knows nothing of my desires about wishing I could transition, there is a growing estrangement between her and me. It’s been a few years in the making but it has grown moreso since we stopped having sex about 8 months ago. I just have no desire for sex with her and quite frankly, I don’t desire sex with any woman. It’s as if I feel a resentment towards her, within me. I can’t bear the thought of hurting her since I am the one who lied to… Read more »
I can’t read tful, just guilty an retain about how I weigh her needs/desires, my need/ desire and my guilt over the whole thing. Neither of us forsaw this 30 yrs ago. The evolution occurred and now I/we must feel my out with all the relationship and personal focus skills I can muster.
Hello Stephanie, I appreciate you sharing your life story. I recently came out to my wife about a month ago, after 12 years marriage and two kids. It has been an emotional roller coaster. Just about every week I feel like she is going to call it quits. How long has your wife known? Would you say she is fairly liberal? You say she is seeing what you will do. I’m assuming there may be some sort of ultimatum behind that, correct? what Would you say about the stability of your relationship with your wife? Did your wife go through… Read more »
Hi Pfifer Thank you for you responce. My wife has known about my female clothing for about thirty years. When she first found them she was a little frightened .She wanted to know if I was gay. I guess most people think that about us. I. Lied and told her i was just curious about crossdressing. I was member of private club for transexuals and crossdressers i introduced her to the club when she met with other wives and she was satisfied that it was harmless . She does not know that I want more than just wearing female clothing.… Read more »
As always the story is always too multi-faceted and complex that it cannot be entirely told.my wife is a very liberal person in all ways. No biases against LGBT in any manner. It’s just how she conceived me…and the fear that I will chose a new partner over her. But I am also. I bisexual and year’s of celibacy are driving my lust for male companionship.
Hi Stephanie, I write this reply to let you know that you are not alone. At 62 years old, I am married, have two adult children and three very young grandchildren. I’ve wanted to be a female ever since I tried on my mother’s pantyhose and bra at age 11. How I got to where I am differs from your story, yet like you, I denied myself as to my true feelings and identity all these years. Society was much different, much less accepting when you are a child growing up in Milwaukee in the 60’s, 70’s and finding your… Read more »