Over the years I have had so many opportunities to accept my true self and begin a life of being the woman I so much want, but I denied and shamed myself my entire life. I left my family home at 19 years old to begin my adult life. I had no one to care for but myself. I shared a two bedroom apartment with a childhood friend and it was great; he was gone most of the week days, and that allowed me time to explore my feminine feelings by shopping for make up, clothes, shoes, etc. I was so happy; I loved the way I looked. I would go out at night dressed to night clubs to meet other girls like me. I got to experience men flirting with me.
But I really did not understand that this was the time to begin my real life as a young trans woman. I had it all. The looks, a little money, the time, and I was in a city where there were many trans women. The women were not accepted as they are now, but I could have roomed with another girl and begun my life.
Then something happened. I saw a childhood friend at the night club, but he did not recognize me; he was flirting with another young man. I found out he was gay and that the stories about him had traveled throughout the neighborhood. It was sad to watch and hear, and after I heard about his troubles I immediately took all my female clothing, makeup, and shoes, and threw them away in some filthy restaurant dumpster. My first big adult denial and shame.
I went and got a hair cut and began my adult life as a young man. I dated a few woman, and actually really enjoyed my self. I always dated woman that were cute and stylish, and I would wear their clothes when they were out or when they were asleep. I was fortunate to have a male body that was shorter than most men and a slight build. One of the woman that I dated called me her little hunk. Her clothes fit me perfectly. But I ended my relationship with her when she told me she dated a man that liked to wear women’s panties and she thought it was really weird. This knowing the whole time I was wearing hers.
At some point I got an opportunity to move to California, and I got an apartment just outside of San Francisco. Here was my second opportunity. I began to build my feminine life again. I went out in my male attire exploring places I could go where I could feel safe and be with other girls like me. Initially I could only find gay bars….a lot of gay bars. Places for men who like men. They were all so tall and handsome, well dressed. Too bad I was not attracted to them. Now I had to figure out what I wanted; it was all here. I was single making good money, with no baggage in a city that accepted any life style. I found a small night spot for trans people, both men and women, and I dated a few transwomen. I just felt more comfortable with transwomen.
I dated one that I told I wanted to dress and look pretty. She thought it was fun at first and told me not to look too much like a woman as it turned her off. There I was in a city that accepted any one, any life style, but everyone seemed to want a man. Straight women wanted men. Gay men wanted men. Transwomen wanted men. I was a transwoman that wanted a woman. But if I went as a man I had no problem connecting with someone. Apparently there was a shortage of real men. They were in high demand.
I finally found a woman who was a lesbian; she was pretty and she like me dressed as a woman. She was an electrician and she was looking for a wife to take care of her. And this started me questioning myself again. It didn’t work out, even though I seemed to have it all again and yet I let it go. I went into denial; hated and was ashamed of myself.
Soon after that I moved to LA. Found a two bedroom apartment that was available for 10 months and I started again living a man’s life dating women. One woman I dated sensed something was wrong, and asked me why was I afraid to commit. I so much wanted to tell her. She was so nice, but she wanted a man. I was a woman pretending to be a man. Still, it made me sad to let her go, but I could not deny the woman in me. At that time I started to fill the spare bed room with my feminine clothing. It was easy living in LA. Cute clothing everywhere and everything you wanted was available at a small cost. Again, no real baggage, and plenty of money living in Marina Del Rey, in a two bedroom apartment, alone and single, going out to trans bars dressed. I was in heaven.
But I never again found a woman that would accept who I was. I met a lot of trans women from Mexico and the Middle East. With some I dated I had the best time; we would share stories and other things. That was the last opportunity before I started collecting real baggage. It was people – children, a wife, in-laws, family, work friends; all as a pretend man. Oh, what have I done. So many times I had an opportunity to begin my life. And I just threw it away. I took it for granted.
Now I have to be very real. My decisions about finally dealing with my gender will have a direct impact on my children and their grandparents. I have acquired a lot of baggage; and not the throw away kind. I have a very loving wife that knows, but is waiting to see what I am going to do. Three lovely grandchildren that do not have any father in their lives. They will have to be supported. They have enough confusion. And I need to earn some type of a wage. My pension and savings are enough to carry my wife and me, but not for everyone. They did not ask for their life as I did not ask for a male body. But I have had to deal with it my whole life. And in my way have learned how to deal with it. But I have acquired too much baggage to transition right now.