I am AMAB, now 68. I’ve been aware of my gender incongruity since I was five. Since that young age, I have struggled with the question, “Why do I have such an intense desire to be a girl?” It wasn’t just that I wanted to dress as a girl and now a woman; no, I distinctly remember longing to be a little girl, then a pre-teen girl, then a teen girl, a young college woman, to being a young woman/mom. Oh, how I wanted to be a mom! And now; to this very moment… well, I’d settle for being Grandma Charlene.
Why? Why? Why?
I did everything I could to not want this. In line with my Christian faith, I prayed, fasted, memorized volumes of Scripture, attended church faithfully per the fundamental Baptist tradition, served in ministry, and all to find no relief. I’ve been in some therapy, and talked to my pastor, my wife, etc. And still the result—I want to live as a woman.
Why? A dozen years ago, I had the privilege of friendship with a medical doctor, who was also a full-time, fully medically transitioned trans woman. She, too, had a strong Christian background. So, I thought she could better than most understand my struggle with my perceived gender in light of my Bible faith. This was not supposed to happen to a Christian man like me, right? It couldn’t be! It shouldn’t be! But it was and is.
As I shared the darkest recesses of my heart with Dr. ____ finally quietly answered. “Charlene, listen to yourself. Everything you have told me so passionately; your deep longing for everything female; your dream to be desired by a man for your feminine and sexual qualities, your desire to be a bride, to give yourself to your new husband, to be pregnant, and finally be a mom; Charlene normal men don’t desire those things, but you do. Do you know why.?”
“Because I am a twisted, perverted person,” I answered.
Quietly, ever so kindly, without a hint of surprise or disgust, she answered, ” No, Charlene, it’s because you are a woman. You are not a man at your core. You want that which a normal heterosexual woman wants because deep within you are a woman.”
That was such a euphoric revelation. Just hearing another person, professionally trained, confirm to me what I wanted to believe all my life, but just couldn’t bring myself to admit, was comforting and exciting.
Yet, for years after the diagnosis, I ran from it. I feared it. This just couldn’t be true about a man like me. Finally, after years of denial and running away from my truth, I yielded to the fact that I want to be a woman because, at my core, in my very heart, I am a woman.
Wow! Finally, 12-plus years after Dr. ______ exposed my true identity, I am finally embracing the answer to that incessant question, “Why do I have such an intense desire to be a woman?”
Question answered. Now I know. I want to be a woman because I am a woman. After years of incessant questioning, not only do I now know the answer, I embrace the answer. I am a woman who just happens to be trans.
Peace. Correct? Yes, but short-lived.
My answer just opened the door to a new question. “How do I manage this condition to fulfill my natural needs as a woman, while still fulfilling the needs of those who count on me to be a man for them?”
And thus, life moves forward. I love my womanhood, albeit it is still hidden, though more cracks along the surface are appearing. How often is it said that there is no one right way to transition? I am not sure what my way is going to be.
But now I have a direction for the future.
More Articles by Charlene K
- The Value of Therapy
- Intentions
- Evolution in the Trans Life
- Where do I Go from Here?
- I Will Never Know; I May Never Know
Charlene K
Latest posts by Charlene K (see all)
- The Value of Therapy - July 8, 2024
- Intentions - March 23, 2024
- Evolution in the Trans Life - December 12, 2023
Thank you Charlene. First off thank you for your post all be it some time ago, it still resonates. Whilst I don’t have any answers there is so much commonality between so many of us that there has to be some undiscovered truth lurking in our DNA. We are not perverted freaks however we are not to be envied either. A life spent hiding who we are is at times tolerable but never a full life. The joy and happiness that erupts when you fully come out is overwhelming. I’m a strong believer in the theory of a massive Estrogen… Read more »
Hi Mistress B. Thank you for your reply. I truly am delighted that something I wrote last September is still being read and still touching a cord for the reader.
I too believe the fetal development theory is the correct answer to our shared condition. No, I can not prove it, but the theory does satisfy my need to understand why and offers a solid basis of explanation to help others understand us.
Be blessed in your journey dear dister.
Kindly,
Charrie
Oh Charlene! Thanks for sharing. I feel exactly like you now but I did not have those intense girl feelings till about 9 or 10. Since I accepted my state as transgender in 2019 vs crossdresser I am happier now more than ever. As you said. It makes perfect sense now.
Blessings,
Hope
Hi Hope. Thank you for reading my article. I truly am encouraged that though written in September the thoughts still are helpful.
Honestly,
I have not moved much beyond where I was when I wrote that article. But there is a greater peace within knowing and accepting myself as a woman. However I am much more determined mentally and emotionally to be myself outwardly. Transitioning is no longer off the table or considered impossible as it once was for me.
Kindly,
Charrie
Charlene, I am 76 and have probably run myself out of time. I took the chance and came out to my wife of 56 years about a year ago…and my whole wife flashed before my eyes. My choices were/are get out or give it up. Well, you know what I and many others know: you can’t give it up. Right now I am working along with a great therapist who gently but firmly reminds me that I will get out, I must get out; and so must you somehow. I am still hoping for a bit longer my wife will… Read more »
Hi Stacia, thank you for taking the time to read my article and comment. Oh my, 76 with 56 years of marriage. In doing the math that is how long I would have been married should I turn 76. As it was after 38 years of marriage my first wife divorced me because once she found out how deeply engrained my feminine essence was she decided she could no longer be married to a “man that wanted to be a woman." I did not dress regularly or allow my feminine essence out. Living like that at times made me withdrawn… Read more »
Hi Charlene, You know God sees you. Hope you know God loves you. The bind you are in is one of womanhood’s largest: putting all others before yourself; pleasing everyone but yourself. Another trait many women suffer is believing there is something wrong with them personally for not loving enough, doing more for others, giving enough, and wanting experiences they are not having. Sound familiar? You are Woman. At least you know yourself. Your whole life brought you to just where you are. Celebrate your feelings. Consider what beliefs you have that are still making you feel shame or bad.… Read more »
Hi Jonnie,
Thank you for your reply. I appreciate your reaching out to encourage me. I do know that God loves me, has fearfully and wonderfully made me which includes my gender brokenness and has done so for His purpose.
We are told in the Bible that to everything there is a season; a time to every purpose under the sun. Every flower blooms in its season. I see my outward womanhood expression the same way. I will bloom in my season. When my time comes certainly I will be ready and able to do this.
Kindly,
Charlene
I love that story so much! I am a mature transwoman, who began her life as a young boy exploring her way around bras, panties and girdles, occasionally. Now, after a full male life, I am desiring to really be a woman. I never thought I would feel this way, but now, at 75, I WANT to become a Lady! No, I do not know why, it is just a feeling I have, and finishing the rest of my life as a woman sounds so appealing to me. I want to be cared for, wanted by someone else, especially a… Read more »
Hi Roxanne,
Thank your for your thoughts. I understand your thoughts and longings for I share them. And often, I think daily, continue to ask the Lord to make it clear that my time for outward female expression is now. Until He does, I wait, for longsuffering is one of the fruit of the Spirit.
Kindly,
Charlene
I had some minimal religious growing up , not much but my sense of self at 5 was the same before grade 1 to be a girl – socially I had no idea why ? it’s interesting how I absolutely at that age wanting my genitalia female in my thinking so young – I just new I was wrong as a so called boy – it was absolutely a true natural feeling and I was not sexually abused either ! – I just new – as a child I found my mothers old 1950’s black satan underslip with a ballet… Read more »
Hi Krystal,
Thank you for taking time to reply to my article. I understand your regret in not “doing it 30 years earlier". However understanding gender transition as perhaps the greatest life change any human can face ones heart must be totally “in" in order for such a change to be successful. Perhaps your heart wasn’t there 30 yrs ago, but obviously it is now. With that heart so committed, forget that which is behind and press forward being the best trans woman you can be. Be a great asset to our community.
Kindly,
Charlene
Charlene, Thank you for sharing your story, your story up until now and continually evolving. As usual, I find similarities to my story in the other stories I hear and read. I grew up in a Catholic Christian home, and although not a lot was said or discussed, at least with us kids, the way I was supposed to behave was clear, or seemed to be clear. It took therapy sessions during my decision time about who I was, and am, to reveal to me my girlish and womanly desires went back to my early childhood. In the 50’s and… Read more »
Hi JAKe, thank you for taking the time to reply. Wow, 69, been on HRT for 2 years , and now recovering from full depth bottom surgery. Girl, you make me envious, especially the full depth bottom surgery part. Congratulations on being so far along in your journey. I do hope one day I can offer such encouragement to another coming up behind me. My male duties – well we have a difference of opinion in that I do not believe all such duties are societal driven or constructed. Per my Biblical faith, I recognize many of those duties are… Read more »
Charlene,
You piqued my interest.
Besides the sexual act of penile insertion, what jobs can only be done by a male, and you must do?
Penile insertion a job? Hardly. And this was not even on my radar when I referenced duties. The act of intimacy is much more a gift than a job. I did not claim I had certain male jobs to do that only I could do. If the classic definition of a job is on your mind than you are correct. Females can do most male jobs. I however referenced male duties and responsibilities. I draw these duties from the Scriptures. If one has no acceptance of the Scriptures as being inerrant and infallible than my view will be labeled archaic… Read more »
Charlene,
I am a person of faith, Christian faith, and have read all of scripture. Thanks for clarifying for me what you meant by manly duties. Yet I am not sure why these duties aren’t or can’t be sufficiently carried out in female form. My personality hasn’t truly changed, or at least I don’t think it has. My spirit has not changed. What is to prevent you from carrying out the duties you listed should you want to personify your womanly desires?
Charlene: Your article spoke to my heart. I too have come from a strong Christian background and did all those same things to try and change my feelings about my gender identity. None of it worked. One day as I was seriously considering taking my own life I cried out to God and said why, why am I this way. He quietly spoke to my heart and said you know whom you have been your whole life and I know whom you have been. I accept you for the woman you are. From that point on, I knew it was… Read more »
Hi Rebecca, Truly I appreciate your taking the time to write a reply to my article. It is always comforting to meet another strong Christian trans woman who has been able to work through the myriad of questions and difficulties long enough to finally know that God is permitting her transition. The doctor I mentioned in my article who helped me understand and finally accept my own womanhood experienced the same revelation. She assured me that when His time was come, I would know. Thus far that time has not arrived. I do appreciate all that have written me with… Read more »
Charlene great post never thought about all that. i feel the same way as you do. i feel more as a female then a male. i would rather be female for all the reasons you said. the clothing real women have to choose from is unreal, pretty dresses, skirts make up, earrings. heels, nylons, bra;s.all real men get to choose from is jeans and shirts. nothing sexy about men’s clothing at all. real women wear jeans and shirt, so why not we will dress up as females. when i don’t dress up i feel not my self, i need to… Read more »
Greetings Lucinda, Thank you for your thoughts. I empathize at where you are in your journey. Though you believe you are past the time of transition, there are those who would disagree with you. I respect their position, however I would tend to side with you. I often wonder at my age if the “remaining years benefit" would justify the cost of full transition, and I don’t mean simply monetary. As we all know there are cost far beyond the money necessary for therapy, HRT, and surgery. I am happy that your wife accepts your need to express your femme… Read more »
Thank you for your article, Charlene. I had not considered that self-acceptance might lead to the new question, but it definitely makes sense. Even once you or anyone else has accepted who they are, it remains a question of how they work that new understanding into their lives. Like many of us, I continue to be all over the place in terms of self awareness and understanding. I have come to the point where I am beginning to accept that I may never have a firm, stable understanding of my gender, or in other words, I’m may simply have to… Read more »
Kim, thank you for your reply. Your journey of question and answer is so similar to mine. Answers we both have as to who we are prove adequate for the now and are foundational for further successful journeying. Gender-fluid, I never really considered this for myself. Perhaps it is because I am so disposed to the gender binary, yet I think not. “I am a woman"; for me this just “feels correct." You reply encourages me in knowing that I am not alone in seeking the answer to the next question, “how do I meet my own needs while fulfilling… Read more »
Hi Charlene,
I think I chose the term gender fluid rather carelessly…because I am also predisposed to the gender binary. I just seem to slosh back and forth between the two poles…more out of necessity than inclination. It has become a matter of accommodating those parts of my family and work life that were built around the male facade.
Hi Kim,
Again I see similarities between you and me.
“It has become a matter of accommodating those parts of my family and work life that were built around the male facade."
Dear Kim, I so understand. Accomodations – we all do this don’t we? Cis and trans alike. It’s just that as a trans person our accommodation pushes so incessantly and often times irritably up against who we know ourselves to truly be that it often robs us of fulfillment and contentment does it not?
Hugs,
Charlene
Hi Charlene, Indeed, at times the accommodations feel like confinement. I am a bit better these days at putting that feeling aside when confined or consigned to male clothing and pretense. I don’t feel resentment so much as resignation to the necessities of the moment. And I know soon enough the confinement will end. As it has today! I spent the past week traveling for work, of necessity in male form. Now I am free to be myself for at least a few days. I’ll try to enjoy the freedom and put thoughts of reentering confinement aside till it must… Read more »
Charlene, that is some time you have spent questioning yourself, I am now starting to question myself in that way, as I never was one of those who always felt I was in the wrong body though I did start dressing up at a young age it took till my 60’s to really let me femme self be freer. Now I do wonder if I’m on that slop towards being trans, no answer to that one yet! We simply cannot explain these things, why we are drawn to this no one knows. However I’ve used another analogy which people never… Read more »
Amy, Thank you for your thoughts. Questioning ourselves seems to be one of the commonalities of we who are trans. Lot’s of questions. . . and turmoil, while we work out solutions to those questions. One of those turmoils for some is hating their body. Like you that was never one of mine. In accord with my faith, I understand I have been sovereignly given my body by God. In that understanding I find body acceptance, though my body doesn’t match my gender. Yes, you are correct; no one really knows why we are drawn to this. At best there… Read more »
Hi again Charlene 🙂 Yes, you know the answer, you’ve always “known" who you were , and always felt that way since you were a child. Our stories match so much! I finally reached the point in my life where, if I didn’t transition, I wasn’t even able to consider any other option. I had to leave the old life behind and face a new future, so I’ve been living and working as a woman for over 18 months. As I think I’ve mentioned, due to a recent medical issue I had, relatively unique to women, a urinary tract infection,… Read more »
Hi Lauren, Thank you for your thoughts and encouragement. Obviously I can’t know for certain, but I reason it thus, “If I could only be like Lauren or others I have talked to; to be diagnosed intersexed. This would give me a justifiable and understandable reason to transition." But would it really? I know of at least three other trans women who for whatever reason in their middle age found their endocrine system “malfunctioning". Estrogen became their dominant hormone, their testosterone levels became suppressed to female levels. There is probably not a day goes by where I don’t ask God… Read more »