Is it what we feel we truly need, or what we desire that drives us through hardship, barriers, and more to get where we believe we should be? It should never result from what others want or choose for us.
My life continues to unfold before me, even after all these years! There are some questions that have entered my mind over the past few years: some come and go and others keeping on surfacing. Questions about my journey and how it traveled along what seems to be such a specific path.
Why was it I couldn’t unlock that part of me I struggled to understand until so late into my life? I had never been attracted to another man or fantasised about it. I simply had a feeling that led me to act in a certain manner that I found pleasure and comfort in that created the feeling of being feminine.
Although I had found something unique in my personal life that brought calm and comfort, it tormented me for many years. A constant battle within, fighting with guilt, denial, secrecy, pain, sadness, and joy. A dilemma of some power that was nourished by my own acts and perceptions, which perpetuated the condition, while also creating a sense of being trapped in a cycle of recurring events.
Eleven years ago, things began to change again in my life. Casting it into turmoil when I had hoped I had left that somewhere in the past. In retrospect, perhaps it remained for me to learn something quite specific? I am inclined to view it in that light today. It was at that point when my life followed a path that I had not consciously chosen. Blindly and unknowingly that I needed to change my direction and perception of so much with my life.
Only now can I see things clearly and with a sense of calm and peace; qualities that had eluded me then.
Around six years ago, an awareness of a new life path and direction entered my world when I discovered the possibility of gender reassignment surgery. I had eliminated such ideas and automatically decided I was probably too old and without the funds to even consider. The new realisation came as a surprise, which unsettled me. It shook the foundation of my present lifestyle. Albeit, it had been something I always considered as desirable.
Within a relatively short period, my view shifted to one where a potential outcome worthy of pursuit occurred. The process took almost four years to get into the system here and reach the point of being programmed for surgery. It felt somewhat dream-like after so many years, while my conviction and anticipation increased as the date approached.
October 2021: a voice message on my phone, which had remained unnoticed for a few days, and was from the hospital. My call revealed that a secretary wished to arrange a meeting with the surgeon for a final discussion prior to surgery in November. I explained I had some questions that I wished to put to the surgeon before agreeing to the meeting and subsequently put them in writing. The points I raised were in relation to the prevailing health concerns of that period, which changed all our lives dramatically.
I received a written reply within a week. The outcome was unsatisfactory for me and resulted in my refusal to accept the scheduled surgery. Understandably, it was quite upsetting, as you can imagine, after spending such a long time and great effort in getting to that stage. Not to mention the emotional aspects and being questioned by psychiatrists and psychologists in the process! I could not foresee a change of circumstances in the future and resigned myself to the reality that it had all come to an abrupt and unexpected end.
Two years later and plenty of time to move on, something quite profound came to mind and out of the blue one day recently. Nothing at all bad, in fact quite the contrary.
I realised that my core motivation to change my life in such a profound way was not driven by a desire to have a male partner, get married again or for a sexual relationship. The single point that pushed me through life and the medical system over the past seven years was driven solely by the deepest need and desire to be happy with who I was. Not to feel the internal pain I had suffered for so long. To be free of the feelings of guilt and denial, to go about my day being true to myself and others. No more facade, secret double life, an end to a life that had been slowly destroying me from within and by my own actions.
That kind of freedom only comes into being by our own admissions, acceptance, and love for ourselves. It comes with an automatic benefit of opening us up to see the love in others and the world around us. It delivers so much more than we expect. A strange reward for so many years of self-infliction.
The idea of surgery now is unimportant. I have discovered that I can be very happy and be myself as I am. I have learned to accept what I have achieved and can be satisfied with that. I have love in my life, my family, and friends. My artistic skills and passion have resurfaced in a renewed connection that I am finding quite magical to have back in my life, and in a more powerful way than before. I am filled with creativity and hope; I have light in my life.
Each day I give gratitude for everything and everyone in my life that makes it such a wonderful experience, which in turn makes me feel humbled and blessed. I do what I am able for others less fortunate. We never know what lies before us, but I believe we can influence what we invite into our reality and future life.
Love and care for yourself, you will be of greater value to yourself and others.
Featured image: ‘Walking on sand’, acrylic on canvas by Sophie
More Articles by SophieFR
- Sophieology
- Everything you need to know
- The Right Note of Confidence
- Trust in What You Know in Your Heart
- Socially Induced Dysphoria
SophieFR
Latest posts by SophieFR (see all)
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Hello Sophie, You and I have reached a similar point in our lives via different paths as we accept and live with what we have. For myself the realization that I am genderfluid made it possible for me to accept the male aspects of my personality and body. In addition HRT has been effective in mitigating that masculinity to the point where my dysmorphia is no longer a major problem. Not having to shave everyday and my facial features softening means that now I can smile at my reflection in the mirror. Would I like larger tits? Probably, but I… Read more »
Sophie, I don’t wish to get real personal unless you’re willing, but I’m very curious to know what medical problems derailed your surgery. I think I read what you wrote correctly. The reason I ask is, I gave great thought to my age, current health, and my chronic health problems as I thought about having GRS surgery. I made the decision to pursue it while I felt I still had good health despite my longstanding medical problems. I did not wish to push surgery down the line because I knew, at any time, my health could deteriorate, leaving me unable… Read more »
Sophie, it is so wonderful to another of your articles. Your experiences parallel mine in so many ways. Being free of a self imposed confinement….comfort in being myself……satisfaction in what I have accomplished….I’m worried about possible future procedures….I could go on.
Just to let you know, I think of you often, and fondly.
Carly
Hi Carly, thank you so much for your kind words and taking the time to read my article. I have sent you a number of emails to try and keep in contact. Perhaps you have changed your email address or there is a problem somewhere in the communication chain. Please feel free to reach out.
Love and hugs
Sophie