Over the years I have felt as though I could only expose Char to people with whom I felt safe and trusted. If I felt unsure or afraid I would simply slink back into the shadows and remain unseen and unheard.
Moving to small town in Canada twenty years ago was a huge decision for me simply because the area I was moving to, now my home, was filled with “good ol’ boys”. That’s not intended in any way to be negative. It’s just that the majority of folks around here are farmers, welders, ranchers and so on.
Many with hands big enough to easily crush a skull. Women who are used to throwing 80 to 100-pound hay bales around. Not many slightly built, prissy and feminine men around and in fact, not many gentle and delicate women either. All in all, these folks are a hearty stock of physically intimidating people who are built tough to survive the hard living of farming and heavy equipment operating.
I am not that. I was once told years ago that on Oprah’s swish-o-meter, I was an eleven!
So, what’s this got to do trust? Well, when I first landed in this small town I looked around and saw the people. I saw what I described above and began forming a story in my mind. The story basically said: if I expose delicate Char to these rough and tumble hard working folks, Char may become an endangered species rather quickly.
I imagined burning crosses in my front yard, things being thrown through the bay window and nasty stuff being spray painted on the outside walls of the house I was sleeping in.
In fact, I created some incredible stories that quite literally scared the bejeebers out of me to the degree that I kept the black out curtains closed, the door locked 24/7 when I was home, and I would sit silently in my room waiting until who ever was knocking at the door had left.
Fast forward a few years and a knock on my door; this time, dressed authentically I acted before I could change my mind and in one smooth action, I swung the door open. There stood one of the local good-ol’ boys. He asked me, on behalf of the locals, if I would be interested and willing to run for Mayor of our small town. What??? Me? Are you kidding me?
The long and short of it is he was serious, I said yes, served and eventually stepped down, but in this process, I learned something profoundly beautiful and freeing for me.
I learned that the story I had told myself was simply one I had made up about the locals, and it was a total lie; no truth to it at all! The feel was real but the why, was a lie!
The fear, though it felt very real to me, was something I had created by myself, by telling the story that I was in danger if I was authentic and exposed as the local cross-dresser/trans. Basically, I thought and talked myself into being scared to death to step out my own door dressed nicely.
It has taken me several years to untangle my mind in that regard. Now I am free to be me because I have changed my mind. The trust was not that “they” might do something mean, that was the story I had made up, but rather that “I didn’t trust myself” to be able to take care of little prissy Char should anything nasty actually happen.
Just for the record, nothing bad ever has happened with these folks. I have come to understand that we, at times, make up a story in our mind based on other stories we have heard and maybe mixed it in with some facts to instill fear in the self. Due to not trusting my adult self to handle a situation well, I created a story so terrifying, and appearing to be about “them” that I actually created years of my own suffering and anxiety.
What is a story you are telling yourself? Is it one that empowers and supports you in your expansion to becoming or is it a story that isolates you and causes you to hide behind black out curtains and locked doors? Push the reset button this week and change your mind by telling yourself empowering, uplifting and supportive stories.
Thank you so much for reading.
Namaste’
Char
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Reminds me of Silverton Oregon.
Silverton gives its vote to transgendered mayor
https://www.oregonlive.com/multimedia/2008/11/post_9.html
Hahaha what an awesome story, I love it!! I often call mine “the twins or, the girls” too, so funny hahaha Thaaank you Patricia. Honestly, the very best part of the article for me was: “The mayor answered the cowboys back in an equally as gruff a voice” haha I haven’t changed my voice at all and I used to sing Merle Haggard songs, 5 hours a night, 6 nights a week for about 22 years of touring hahaha my voice is not “cute” hahaha Patricia,,, I felt myself let go and give me permission, to “not” feel any concern… Read more »
I was telling myself this same story of the rural area I live in. To be certain I was not very well integrated here to start with as my career did not line up with their world. I knew many of them and that the ones I had met were all kind people who watched out for each other. But, what I had told myself was that it was only for those who “fit in” So as I went to sell my house I decided to hold an estate sale and with my daughters help I steeled myself for whomever… Read more »
Tears of gratitude Cloe; Thank you for this Dear! Last week, I received a message via fb messenger. I write a weekly column in one of local news papers, Here’s what they wrote: “Good evening Char! I wanted to say thank you! By sharing some of your truth to the world, I believe it has helped me, the universal awareness, and in that, someone close to me and my heart. I am not 100% sure of the details of your life but it is fantastic to see you share openly in the paper and also on your fb page!! Even… Read more »
I tend to do the 50/50 perspective these days. Sometimes I tell myself what cisgender folks might think of me as I bear witness to it. What I don’t know, I sometimes make up based on how I see it. It never keeps me in the house, but it does limit where I hang out, where I work, and even where I volunteer. Transphobia is real, it’s criminal in my state, and is pervasive enough to warrant anxiety. Thing is it’s been illegal here for 26 years. It’s part of my destiny, I think, to have those run-ins, to pursue… Read more »
Awe Thaanks Dasia, yeah it’s true not all are mean spirited; I have met very few, actually, only two or three now, who are intentionally mean and attacking whether verbally or otherwise. Most I find are more afraid of us than anything, simply from lack of understanding and the stories they have been taught through the media and other sources. Now, read this part carefully lol I am grateful for Trump! Now I know many of you might think omg Char’s off the rocker now for sure, but hear me out…He is the hitler our time; an aggressive oppressor and… Read more »
Thanks for the splendid reply, Char! I read it carefully, as I like to think I always do of anybody’s correspondence, and I agree and disagree. We Trans folx in America had and have enough problems without those that 45 and the present Republicans brought to the table. I read a lot of history in an effort to understand how humanity got to this point. The current level of financial bliss in first world nations is very new. Only about 100-150 years old at best. Finances have driven the most successful folx to protect their assets. Racism, homophobia, biphobia, bierasure,… Read more »
Ooops let me correct a muddled statement, Char. Joan and I launched a Facebook “Personal Emergency Fund Drive” this week asking for $2,000 so we don’t get evicted. We’ve been struggling hard the last few months and are at our end of solutions phase. We didn’t have to march to Washington D.C. physically. We asked Joan’s friends and their friends. Btw, I’m amazed at how many folx who didn’t even know us, friends of friends, have given more than half of the $800 USD we’ve received so far. There are supportive allies out there. We’re not alone. 45 and the… Read more »
Ya know sweetie, it absolutely still messes with my mind how one little “Fear”belief, played on and revisited can turn any human, or Nation, into a murderous mob. I know we all have a dark side, and I agree with you, it shows up when our physical survival is most threatened… I have attempted suicide four times now and planned it many, many more. I think for me, I have been to the quiet place and I really don’t have any attachment to this life or body. Don’t get me wrong, I love my body, especially the new boobs I’m… Read more »
My dear girlfriend, Char, I’ve been to the quiet place, too, on several occassions. I suffer from Bipolar Disorder. Thankfully, I can say that because of the meds I’m on, that I take to stay alive, I’ve been enjoying full remission for years, well, mostly. I want to tell you a story. One time, after I came out as pansexual and transgender to my family the first time when I was 19, I tried to commit suicide by stepping out in front of a city bus when they rejected me. I lived with them and didn’t have the means to… Read more »
You are very welcome my friend…I just saw your message, It’s pretty tough to get on here during the week, no time after working a 10 hour day lol
I think I just sent a friend request to Joan hehe I’ve got to go grab some supper n cuddle my amazing wife, then I’ll pop in here n the morning 🙂
huggles for ya Dasia
happy dreams girl
Char
HUGGLES, CHAR!!!! 🙂
hehe 😉