I wrote previously that after years of working hard to understand myself in light of my incessant desire to live as a female, searching the complexities of gender incongruity, and doing my best to suppress, repress, deny, eradicate, or compromise my feminine self because of my strong Bible grounded Christian faith I am finally able to embrace my reality. My desire for womanhood is a natural and normal outgrowth of who I or any woman is at their core. She is a woman. I am a woman. To be sure, my body is not female, which is so disappointing to say and to endure, but at my core, at the deepest level of my sense of self, I am a woman.
Someone may disparagingly comment, “Ha, well how do you know you are a woman since your body is distinctly male?” Granted it is, but my answer is simply this, “How does any woman know she is a woman?” She just knows, regardless of how unfeminine she may naturally look. At one’s core one knows who they are, body image notwithstanding. I know that I am a woman albeit trans in the same way, my male body notwithstanding. Trans is but an adjective I use to describe my unique womanhood.
The verdict is out on what makes a person trans. A genetic, congenital defect, nature, nurture, or a combination, but as I understand it there is nothing conclusive. We are who we are.
Having determined, i.e. having made a decision to accept my own womanhood, where do I go from here? Just knowing I am a woman is no longer enough. To be sure, I am relieved to finally know my gender truth, but now I want to live my truth all day, every day.
Recently, I was listening to a presentation where a comment was made to this effect, now that you have made your decision to transition to be a woman . . .
I was deeply struck by that statement. Suddenly, I understood that this is where I go from here. Decision. I need to decide to transition; to come out, to announce, to commit to a regimen of care, to embrace that not only am I a woman, but that I am deciding to change my life so totally as to be in the world the woman that I know in my heart that I am. In other words, “I am a woman, now I want to be one.”
This has become somewhat of a daily affirmation for me. Quietly, at times as simple words repeated in my head, at other times quietly repeated out loud, I affirm, “I am a woman, now I want to be one.” “I am a woman; I will transition to living as a woman.”
Some might say, “But if you understand that you are a woman, isn’t that enough? Is it not redundant to say I want to be one? Why want to be what you know you are?”‘ I have wrestled with this thought also. Such a philosophical approach may sound good in a treatise or dissertation, but not so much in everyday living.
Look around. Everything you see, touch, listen to, and experience in any way initially lived as an idea in the mind of whom I will call “The thinker.” The genesis of anything is a thought.
It is not enough for “The Thinker” that their concept only lives in their mind. It niggles at them until they decide to do something about it. The Thinker knows that to gain value the concept must be brought from concept to functionality in this world. The process may be arduous in a myriad of ways, but The Thinker so believes in their idea/concept that they do what is necessary to move it from the thought world to the world in which we all live. And what is so wonderful about this move from concept to reality is that once the concept is brought into the world the influence of many other minds as they experience the “new thing” all combine to many times vastly improve the original new thing.
Need proof? If you are reading this on your phone, take a moment (if you are senior enough as I am) and reflect on the development of the cell phone from its concept only a generation ago to right now. Is the phone you are reading this on the same one you bought five years ago, three? Upgrade. All improving the original; yes?
So, it is with trans womanhood is it not? We who are trans begin with a sense of “something not being right.” It niggles on us. In my personal journey that niggling over 60-plus years has brought me to the understanding and acceptance of my truth: I am trans and though being trans does not automatically mean that one is a woman, for me it does.
So, I now embrace with genuine gladness the concept that I am a woman at my deepest level. The person I have hidden away under all this make-believe exterior is really a woman, a very traditionally, feminine woman at that. Dare I even say female?
Ah, knowing this as a concept should be enough, right? I have the answer to what has driven my incessant disconnect of soul and body. It sure is satisfying to know.
Niggle, Niggle, Niggle.
I am a woman. I want to be a woman; to bring my personal reality into public reality. Transition, to what degree I am not sure, but if the concept of my own womanhood is to be a benefit to the world at large, my womanhood must become more than conceptual.
And if the process goes as normal, once out in the world the original woman that started the journey will become vastly improved through the growth brought by both the wonderful positive experiences as well as the myriad of negative ones that are part of the process.
Someone once said, “Though the process be hard, know that it is good. Being in the process means raw material is being refined and molded into a product far more beautiful and valuable. Embrace the process.”
The process of transition. Though I haven’t started what might be called the formal process of transition I am nevertheless in it right now. I have embraced my own womanhood. With that embrace, I no longer ask the question, “How could I ever do this.” Now the question is, ” How can I do this?”