It’s funny; I write a blog a few times per month and having done so for a couple of years. Deciding to submit an article here makes me feel a bit nervous. In my other writings, I have a feel for the audience. It’s very small and rarely interacts back. I wish they did. Here, I don’t know what to expect. I’ll just write in my usual manner, and we shall see what happens. I hope this is of some use to someone who reads it or passes it on to someone who might need it.
As a manner of quick introduction, my name is, Shannyn. I’m 45 years old and live just south of Atlanta, GA, although I was brought up in Canada. I am married to a cis woman, and we have two teenage kids. I was a life-long crossdresser; after my life got flipped upside down a couple of times the past 5 years due to job loss and a nervous breakdown, I’ve come to realize I am transgendered.
Given my family situation where I’m the sole breadwinner and not supported emotionally, I live daily as a male on the outside—mostly. The true me bleeds through, a little or a lot, depending on one’s perspective. I have been on HRT for 16 months, and the last couple of years, I’ve incorporated feminine elements into my appearance.
I take the effort when I write to make it more than about just me; I look outward when I can. I’ll share my current situation, for a few reasons:
1) I’m trans and that seems to be what we do (I’m generalizing, I know.)
2) I am hoping to find support on this site and from wherever it may come (I often just chat, and that is limited in how one can express their situation.)
3) A few of the feelings I’m working on, maybe you are, too. As many people have told me, you aren’t alone if you hit a wall occasionally—or often. So, I hope to convey that to those who might need to hear it.
I’ve had a tough day, mostly self-inflicted. I feel like there is still hope. I’ve known myself long enough (practically my whole life!) to realize my mood today won’t last, and my journey will continue. I’m a fighter. Anyone who is trans is a fighter, whether you feel it or not. Bucking society’s norms is not for the faint of heart, and the Lord knows that I’ve hardly done anything compared to so many amazing folks here and elsewhere.
I want to share with you about my sister-in-law. Through her this week, I recognized that I need to be better. I need to change my approach. You see, I play the victim game. Everything that happens to me feels as if it only happens to me and no one else. When I face adversity, I feel like the world is out to get me; it’s dumping life’s crap on my head. Intellectually, cognitively I know it isn’t true; most of the dumping is done by me to me. Anyone else do that? Yeah, most of us do.
My sister-in-law, Debbie died this past week. She was 52, on the way to another birthday (on the same day as mine.) I don’t want to have my own birthday this year. Sadly, my family relations are often strained so I never expect much anymore. The point is; I don’t want my birthday as a reason to bring up the loss with my wife’s family. That’s not the lesson I learned by her passing.
At the funeral home, her childhood youth minister conducted the service. He tied things together spiritually. In so doing, he highlighted that for 52 years, Debbie did not complain about her lot in life. And believe me; she had a LOT that she could have complained about. It left me thinking about all the stuff I complain about. Not to mention all the blessings I fail to recognize every day.
I know myself, and while I hope this had an impact on me, I’m not certain that it will, not in any permanent way. I so wish that wasn’t the case, and I sincerely hope this time is different. Already today, a mere two days later, I’m wallowing. I FEEL as if I have a reason, but really, I don’t.
As mentioned, I’ve been on HRT for awhile. I stopped taking Spiro the past few weeks because of an issue with my kidneys; I’m seriously spooked. My wife all but begged me to stop after she looked it all up. The issue really had more to do with the interaction between Spiro and my BP med (which I’d been switched off of), but the fear remains.
And in stopping it, I’m already not feeling like myself. I feel the demons coming back, the testosterone poisoning as it did when I was that GUY. I am afraid the past year-plus of feeling correct on the inside is getting reversed. I feel the anger and frustration returning. I feel more selfish. I can FEEL the hair growing faster on my face. I FEEL the stubble on my legs a few days after shaving, where I had been able to go two weeks not very long ago. It’s all just gross and upsetting.
I have to overcome it. I have to find a way through until I’m able to see a new endocrinologist next month. I have to keep the testosterone-driven demons at bay until a new plan comes to fruition. I know I will get through it; I always do. I know that others have it much worse in the way of obstacles put in their path.
I really feel like TGH is the place for me. I need to interact with more of you. I need to learn, to share, and to grow. This site is amazing and a tremendous tool in moving forward. I have dreams, we all do. Maybe through the friends and allies made here, some dreams will start coming true. Let’s talk. We’re in this together.