Where I’m at

When I decided to come out and make the first steps into finding my true self, I had a lot of ideas of what I assumed my future would look like. I just knew I wanted to feel like myself. I wanted to look like this imaginary picture I had of myself, but really didn’t have a clue how or when that would happen. I got caught up in the day to day parts of transition and coming out, rushing from the therapist to the hair salon to the electrolysis appointments, all the time keeping up with my friends in real-time about the progress I was making. So many daily victories. So many seemingly huge setbacks. My future seemed like a distant place where I’d be this new, beautiful, gorgeous female. I’d be loved and cherished. Men would fawn over me; women seek out my sage advice. I knew it would happen. It would just take time.

It is July, 2018.

I came out to my spouse back in 2004. I came out to my family and friends in the next few years. Then came therapy, hormones, moving, name changing, surgery. The years flew by in a blur of ever-changing circumstances, battering waves against an immovable object of my coming out. So many new learning curves. So much time and explanation.

So now here I sit. My life before coming out is just a history with little or no real context in my world. I am the person I am. In the years since I came out, my kids have grown up with me. My real life has taken a very normal cis-style bent to it in that I have no real connection to other transgender people. I live and work in a small rural community where I’m pretty certain I’m the only and perhaps first trans woman anyone here has met on a personal basis.

My spouse and I made it through the years of turmoil. Our relationship is much different than it was years ago. We learn and adapt. We’ve found friendship stays even if romance leaves. I guess that applies to my other friendships. Slowly and without notice, my friend group began losing men. I have a few male friends now but most of my friends are other women.

Every now and then, I’ll get a piece of junk mail with my old name on it. I take that as a sign that some people out there still haven’t gotten the news. At this point, I have no interest in letting them know about my personal status. I do the same with anyone I meet. I’m  comfortable with myself. I’ve grown into myself and my style (or lack thereof).

Somewhere along my path, I was able to find my dysphoria. I resolved those feelings. I came to that space where I could recognize myself in the mirror. I was me. Being able to see myself allowed me to understand where my personal dysphoria lay. It was my body. The sense of freedom from dysphoria let me move past my inner conflict of not fitting in my own body. And so I found myself.

Life…just went on. And still does. Physical transition ended years ago. Social transition slowly grinds on. I look at myself in the mirror. At age 60, I love my body. I joke about my style (Vermont Hobo). It’s real. I’m real. My life is real. Am I that beautiful young debutante I thought I’d once become? No, but as I move through my day with no doubt or second thought of who I am, I can own that feeling. I’m here. And I’m back for my seat at the table.

Love,

Tessa

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Tessa Cee

Just a trans woman trying to make it through my day!

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12 Comments
  1. Carla Roberts 3 weeks ago

    So good to hear of your journey Tessa. Thank you for sharing your story.

  2. Winter Clark 4 weeks ago

    Hi Tessa

    Thank you for sharing. I am so glad your wife stood by you and accepted. I am happy to be able to read your experience and learn a little more about a fellow sister on the more mature side.

    Kisses
    Winter

  3. Jamiealso 4 weeks ago

    Thanks for the insperation and your great story keep it up for all of us

  4. Deborah Myers 1 month ago

    Hey Tessa, It is a long and difficult road to travel. I am in the process of Transitioning and my surgery is next summer. I have been ridiculed and mocked, told I did not matter, and called a freak. But I found myself finally and I will not quit. I was even in a spot of trouble many years ago and had I not had a pistol in my purse, I would not be here. But it is worth it as you well know. So as they say ‘You go girl’. Debbie

    • Angel 1 week ago

      hang in there tessa,it can be hard at times,yes people can be mean,when they should know you need love,because they prey on the weak in their eyes,they are cowards,and afraid of their own demons.

      I relate to your comment about the gun,I also had an encounter like that,and the person who threatened me never knew how close they came to being taken away in a body bag,I being a veteran i was no stranger to using a gun. as I said,be strong as only a trans woman can be

  5. Isabella Muell 1 month ago

    Well said Tessa, it is a very well written article

  6. Stephanie Rigoni 1 month ago

    Thanks for sharing all that Tessa. It is so reassuring to see folks like you and others so comfortable in your life. You write as one with a lot of maturity—and I’m not talking age. Ha! Yours is a road I long to travel. Thanks for lighting the way.

  7. Cloe (CC) Webb 1 month ago

    Hey Tessa! I love hearing your story. Our many chats have been inspirational and I felt like I already knew most of this, but to see it come from your own pen is moving. To look in the mirror and say that is the woman (or man) I knew was hidden and say she/he fits in this world of CIS people is a seemingly unattainable holy grail, but yet again you’ve proven it can be achieved. Thank you for sharing this with us.

    Hugs, Cloe

  8. April King 1 month ago

    Lovely to see you writing hon. And lovely to see you embrace yourself and your life as you move forward. So we’re both age 60 – wow, time does move on.

    Hugs,
    April

  9. Victoria Frederickson 1 month ago

    Tessa
    You truth is inspirational to me. Thanks for being my first friend
    Warmly
    Victoria

  10. Cami Jansen 1 month ago

    Thank you for sharing your journey and thoughts Tessa…As someone who is more or less on the same road I found the insight and emotion totally relatable.
    Thank you also for being a mainstay in chat..Always there to support and guide our little group..And to give us a kick when needed too.
    Wouldn’t be TGH without you…Love you hon xx

  11. Hi Tessa! Well sweetie……..that is some road you have traveled. I admire your perseverance and dedication to achieving your goal. I salute you.
    Dedication is never easy and costs will be incurred along the way, but in the end…..you can look back and say to yourself…..damn that was hard but look where I am now.

    Girl….I am proud to call you….friend.

    Love…….

    Dame Veronica

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