It’s been many months since I’d last seen my therapist; her name is Kelly. She’s one of us, and she’s great at making me feel comfortable in acknowledging who I am.
But… she said that it’s time to tell my wife. I know that I need to; I’m sure that my wife knows anyway. And… I said that I would. I even gave a timeline for doing so. Sadly, I keep finding reasons not to.
I’m an electrician by trade and a retired soldier. I exist in this world of manly men. I believe that I only have few friends that would accept me after finding out who I am. I’ve come to terms with it; I don’t like most of my friends anyway.
And something tells me that my wife would accept it, possibly find it arousing. Yet, I still haven’t told her…
We have two beautiful sons. One is seven and the other is three. For the last eighteen months we’ve been trying to have another child. We would like a daughter (but we’ll love whoever we get). There have been two miscarriages within that time.
Couple that with the economy—I live in Alberta Canada. Right now, there are 25,000 electricians who are unemployed. In the last eighteen months, I’ve worked seven of them. It’s so bad that I went to school to prepare for a different career. My wife’s hours were cut last fall, and we’ve been waiting months for our income tax return to come, just so we can pay the rent. There’s so much uncertainty and stress already in our lives.
Yeah, I keep finding reasons not to tell my wife… “It’s not a very good time,” I tell myself. I mean, she doesn’t need the added stress. But when will I convince myself it’s the right time? I know that I’ll be diagnosed with gender dysphoria. I know that my therapist will push for me to get gender affirming surgery. And I know that I can wait for that surgery if I choose. I have the freedom not to follow through if I choose.
I understand why I’m afraid to tell my friends. But why am I so afraid to tell my wife?