To continue, 2018 began with me being in a state of limbo, so to speak. I was caught between dueling personalities. One existed solely because of the fear that my world would fall apart if anyone found out about the other. And that other one was giving me increasing amounts of euphoria, but also leading to crippling depression at having to keep it hidden. I couldn’t see the truth building up inside my mind. I was still many months away from realizing this.
I went back to the endocrinologist towards the middle of January. My hope was to start estrogen, but my appointment was a disaster. I do not think this doctor had any idea of how to treat trans individuals. He told me that I would make an ugly woman, and then heavily suggested I was making a mistake. I was too timid, and he took advantage of my vulnerability. I left feeling ashamed.
At the same time, my dad was in the hospital. He’d been sick with a cold for over a month and had developed C. diff. My dad had never been in the hospital and was rarely sick. My dad has always been my idol, my best friend. I feared immensely ever coming out to him. The fear that I would lose that bond we had. He was a John Wayne type personality. I failed to live up to his masculinity, and this caused me great pain in my youth, but we were always friends. I yearned for my parents approval, and I was deathly afraid of being their disappointment.
After my devastating appointment, I called my dad to see how he was doing. We talked about 15 minutes or so as he was on pain killers and so couldn’t talk very long. He ended the call by saying, “I love you, son.” Unbeknownst to him, this caused me great emotional pain. After our call, I cried for about 20 minutes. Crying at this time in my life was not a pleasant experience. It would drain all my emotional energy and leave me very vulnerable.
When I got the call three days later from the endocrinologist that I should start estrogen treatment, but that he would not prescribe it, I fell into the worst depression I’d ever experienced. I missed around 12 straight days of work. I saw my therapist somewhere in there, and he was very worried and emotional for me. I wanted to die. Not in a suicidal way, but I was definitely fed up with all of it. Death seemed like the best resolution for everything.
I wouldn’t hurt my family by coming out, I would be fighting with myself. I was in the darkest dark. The last glimmering light of hope was my wife. She supported me through everything; encouraged me along every step, and she loved me through all of it. How could I abandon her and leave her devastated with my absence. So I sought help. My therapy was a helpful, but I needed something more. My doctor prescribed anti-depressants.
The amazing thing was how the drugs helped me to shed all the troubles off my back. This allowed me to take a perspective look at all the elements of my life and existence in a way I wasn’t able to before. Slowly, I began to see myself a little more clearly. I found the courage to call another doctor for HRT. This time I was more confident in knowing more about what I wanted. In the middle of May, I had an appointment with my new doctor and walked out with scripts. This doctor was a lot more encouraging and helpful, and I began to take the first steps. I still wasn’t sure I would socially transition, but I was taking control of myself.
More Articles by Stephanie
- Dealing with my past identity
- Through the Looking Glass
- Accidental Validation
- How did I know I was trans? When did I realize I was trans? Part Two
- How did I know I was trans? When did I realize I was trans? Part One
Stephanie
Latest posts by Stephanie (see all)
- Dealing with my past identity - February 23, 2020
- Through the Looking Glass - February 2, 2020
- Accidental Validation - January 25, 2020
Stephanie,
I just finished reading your last post. It sounds so close to what many of us
have gone through or are going through. My wife also was my greatest support.
She passed away from lung cancer in Aug. just a few months ago. However I found
it important to continue with my transition and recieved my first scrips for hrt Sept,23
I know the relief I’ve felt after finally starting hrt. I will look forward to your next post.
Congratulations on your transition. I am very sorry for the loss of your wife. I cannot imagine making it without my wife. She is the rock I lean on when times are tough, but because of her support I know I could succeed on my own, and know if she wasn’t here she’d want me to be the best me I can be. I wish you the best of luck!
I came out to my parents a few months ago, my Mum wasn’t so surprised and my dad was speechless. I still don’t know how to explain what I’m going through to him. I have this dream that one day he’ll get it and use the feminine version of the Shabbat night blessings to your children. I am also dealing with a GP doubting my capacity to know I’m really a girl because I have BPD (and some historic psychosis). At least my psych and support people are being helpful. Fingers crossed for the right referral.
I wish you best of luck. I know the beginnings can be hard. Just remember with your parents that while you may have been struggling a long time and feel you finally know yourself, it’ll take them time to understand. That was my biggest difficulty. But just keep trying, be patient, and try to educate when you can. *hugs*
wow u have been though a lot of pain and suffering, with dad being in hospital, then calling you son, the Dr being a jerk saying you would make a ugly female, that would tell me to get a new one with bed side manners. i have panic attacks for what reason no clue but yes drugs help but so does keeping my self motivated to do things around the house in my work shop making wood projects, ridding motor cycle. my wife knows of my x dressing but will not let me sit in same room as her, we… Read more »
I am sorry for your struggles. I know it can be rough, but I have also been quite blessed. I would like to clarify that my dad had no idea at the time he called me son. It just hit me at a bad time, and made me think that I could not do this. While he has struggled some with my coming out last year, he is also proud of me and only wants me to be happy.
Stephanie, your incredible story has me hanging onto every word. At risk of prying, I would love to hear about the exchanges that went on between you and your wife. She must have been an incredible pillar of support for you as you were going through one emotional crisis after another. Those must have been some amazing conversations between the two of you.
Anne
It would be hard to recollect all our conversations, but the general idea is that we have always been supportive of one another. I like to say we fell in love with our personalities and our gender or sexuality has little impact on our feelings for one another. And we both have open minds so that makes everything easier. She taught me make up, fashion, I mean I would say that she is one of the biggest reasons for my successes. We share everything and our love is strong. I know this is incredibly rare, and I cannot tell you… Read more »
You have an incredible relationship and I wish that the two of you keep going strong together. 🙂