From what I can tell these feelings are just part of the experience. Sometimes I feel like maybe my desire to be a woman can’t be authentic because I should have figured this out earlier, but then I remember just how much I’ve been repressing myself, how unwilling I was to even consider transition as a possibility.
My parents probably could have just saved a whole lot of time and heartbreak if they just let me wear that dress. I certainly can’t help but wonder what my life would look like if growing up I had been taught that being trans IS an option, and that doing so is normal, that you can be just as happy, healthy, beautiful, and worthy of love as cis people. That trans people have existed as long as modern humans have throughout every corner of the world, in every culture (admittedly at varying levels of equality/tolerance/etc.). What I got instead was nothing at best, or hate at worst, and this wasn’t even close to the most bigoted points in history!
I want those years of my life back, but I know all I can do is try to ensure that I do get to live the life I want, with the body I want. It all just seems so impossible and far away.
I hope none of these are too hard to read or anything. I can barely write as it is, and there are a lot of thoughts and feelings to try and organize.