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Recently, Brina wrote an article about intentions. My crafted reply grew longer, and I realized that an article was brewing.
Brina, You wrote: “I had the best of intentions… but… (fill in the blank with your own reasons.)”
Intention 1973: High school is complete. I love the soft sciences. Entomology. I found insects fascinating. I would study to become an environmental entomologist. At that time using insects to control other bug pests and thereby replacing harmful chemicals was an up-and-coming concept. I intended on being a pioneer in the field.
BUT, mom demeaned and derided my intention. In her generation and her cultural setting, men got good jobs, went to work, started at the bottom, rose up through the ranks, found a nice girl, and started a family. etc., etc., etc.
(At the time she didn’t know, and I didn’t understand it all, but I wanted to be that nice girl who was found, rather than be the man who was supposed to find that nice girl)
Nevertheless, as a vast majority of us did from that generation, (I am late 60s) I followed as the pressure directed me. I stayed a man, manned up, found that nice girl, and got that job, all with the intention of being the best and most successful man I could. Adhering to my mom’s cultural image of the day and what was a successful man.
I would live only longing to be a girl (by this time a young woman). My intention was to squash out of existence my desires for womanhood. However, I found to my chagrin that it was easier to squash a bug, or my entomological dream than it was to rid myself of my own affections for womanhood. I did not yet understand that those desires were actually a female heart just wanting to be herself.
I occasionally crossdressed in secret, intending every time afterward never to do it again. Twice I was caught, thereby breaking that nice girl’s heart, and shattering her prince charming’s vision of her husband. Consequently, it became my intention more than ever before to never do that again. But that intention, regardless of how sincere, was violated secretly numerous times.
With stronger willpower, my intention was to keep my feminine self suppressed and sheltered deeply away, lest it became grounds for divorce. And I did until. . . the depths of my soul came to light, and my wife intended and carried through the process to become my ex.
After becoming single, because I was so frustrated by “this thing,” I intended by force of determination to rid my life of “it!” However, living alone only fueled the fire for full feminine expression and before long, that intention went up in flames.
I met another woman, whom I told about my “gender brokenness.” Without much knowledge about what “not being comfortable with my male gender” really meant, she nevertheless accepted me and my feminine inclinations. We were in love, and again, foolishly, my intention was to put feminine gender expression (actually even at this time still unbeknown to me, my womanhood) behind me.
We were married. Eventually, we talked and had a serious discussion about my need for feminine expression. For a short period, I dressed outwardly and openly around her, until she became too uncomfortable with how comfortable her man was presenting as a woman. So I stopped with the intention. . . (fill in the blank)
Only recently did I finally embrace the reality that like it or not, “I am trans.” Furthermore, I sensed my core identity is female.
Where do I go from here? I recently wrote a whole article on that question. I have started therapy with the intention of managing my feminine self with a more outward and public expression of the woman I am, but within parameters that will not negatively impact my wife.
Do I intend to transition? No.
But, do I intend not to transition? No.
But I do intend on becoming my best whole self that I can be. And to be sure, I recognize that it cannot be without my female self having a place outwardly and confidently to exist.
Kindly,
Charlene
More Articles by Charlene K
- The Value of Therapy
- Evolution in the Trans Life
- Where do I Go from Here?
- I Will Never Know; I May Never Know
- Trading one Question for Another
Charlene K
Latest posts by Charlene K (see all)
- The Value of Therapy - July 8, 2024
- Intentions - March 23, 2024
- Evolution in the Trans Life - December 12, 2023
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It is the rare one among us that needs no one, not family, friends or workmates for support, nobody. Most of us do and most have some sort of support in place. The choice to express your real self, rather than the one you received from family, teachers and society, is not hard. What is hard is dealing with the effects of that choice on those around you. I had an interesting journey as I was married to a woman for 37 years till she passed. We were not totally each other’s universes, but close to it. No children, very… Read more »
Thank you for your thoughts Joni. A sobering thought to be sure, " if you had just acted, but now you have no more time."
Unlike you I have a large circle of folk to whom I am so meny things. Thus I balance your thoughts against, “if I just act, [transition] how detrimental will it be to any one of them?"
To this I don’t have an answer, and without that answer “just acting" is not so simple.
Charlene,
I loved your article.
Doing what you feel you need to do to gain inner peace while protecting the ones you love isn’t easy.
I was a bit lucky my wife hasn’t left me. She still has real difficulty using feminine pronouns though, and that, as well as other reminders, will not let me fully forget my male past.
Middleground/Jeri/JAK-e
Charlene. I so identify with your situation that was me until I lost my wife 2 years ago now i have finally accepted and love my feminine self everyday is a new step on my new journey you and I are the same age it’s never too late to be happy my best wishes to you
Looking to meet new people
Charlene,
I hope things work out as you intend them.
For me once I admitted and accepted that I am transgender there is no way to suppress being a woman. I can’t go backwards and put Kelly back in the closet.
Best Wishes,
Kelly