Thanks for the support and encouragement to continue my life story.
I was now in middle school and on blockers. At first there was no problem, but that gradually changed resulting in a melt down by me during one my therapy sessions. My desire to transition to a girl came into conflict with my love of playing sports. My dad was the high school baseball coach and assistant football coach. All my young life I had played catch, had batting batting practice and shot baskets that gave me an advantage in my favorite sports of baseball and basketball. But while in middle school my friends and teammates went through the changes of puberty. They got bigger and stronger and I eventually lost my advantage. Plus my brother being 4 years older was in high school and his success in sports led to him being very popular and he was enjoying dating girls. So this led to a melt down one day in front of my therapist. She asked me if I wanted to continue on blockers, and explained if I stopped I would go through the puberty and go through changes like the other boys, but if I did so it would be much harder to transition to the life of a girl that I so badly wanted. I was in no condition to answer her question. I had therapy sessions every other week. She advised me to think it over and schedule an appointment for the next week. When I got home I had a long talk with my family. My brother was in favor of me giving up being what he called a sissy and become a man. My sister was really liking having a little sister. My parents said they would support me in whatever decision I made.
In the end, my desire to be a girl was dominant. But it showed me that life was not easy and I would face difficult decisions. So I remained on blockers. I could still play sports, but I was no longer one of the better players. Through my middle school years I let my hair grow and mostly wore girls clothes at home. My closet had a growing wardrobe of clothes my sister didn’t like. She had also given me some of her old bras that I loved wearing. I would even sleep in my bra and dream of having boobs. I would put rolled up socks in my bra to make it look like I had boobs. And even when through a phase where I filled a baloon with water that I put in my bra. My sister was teaching me about using makeup.
The next big thing was when my therapist talked about what next for me in my transition. She said I could start on female hormones when I was 16 and explained the changes that I would undergo. That really excited me and I wrote down the date I turned 16 and could really begin my transition. One evening I was dressed as usual and my sister suggested we go outside for a walk. I looked enough like a girl when dressed with a little makeup. My hair had grown, but still not long enough to really look like most girls. Long hair was definitely the fashion for most teen girls. But in the dark my sister thought I could “pass” well enough to just take a short walk around the block. I was excited, but nervous and scared going outside dressed as a girl for the first time. There were a couple of people we saw on our walk and it thrilled me that we had no trouble. Soon afterwards my sister came up with the idea of buying me a wig. We talked to my mom about this and she gave in to buying one. We went online and found one we liked. When I got home from school the day the wig arrived, I couldn’t wait to get dressed and try it on. I was amazed at how I looked. So after dinner, my sister helped me apply some basic makeup and put my wig on and we went for another walk this time while it was still light outside. Things went well until we saw some people who stopped and said hi and what a nice evening it was and I suddenly realized I had said hi and agreed it was a nice evening. That is when I really realized that being on blockers my voice had not really changed much and at least while dressed and wearing a little makeup and my wig my voice sounded close enough to being a girl’s voice that I passed as a girl. When we got back to the house I talked to my sister about how dramatic this was for me. And she said that my voice definitely passed as that of a girl. Wow!!!
I better stop again for now.
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