parents can be surprising. at 4 my mom threatened my existence if i did not closet myself. at 12 my dad officially gave up trying to teach me baseball. ha! then in highschool i went out for football. go figure. then there was the panic of the drug years and my horrific first marriage. all that time my parents knew that i was not like other kids and was not “doing well” in school. about the only good thing about school was music. when i got out on my own i think my parents had an existential crisis about the real me. my dad tried to revive my friendship with my gay cousin. i could see the hope in his eyes that maybe that was the answer; i was gay? my mom bought me unisex clothing. all this was way too late and not enough. i truly was in the closet with concrete reinforcement! to their dismay i just brushed off all this.
not that my real me wasn’t knocking at my own door. i married a lesbian, enjoyed Victor Victoria and Rocky Horror Picture Show and was open but oh so closed to any real contact. my marriage did not last long, which should have told me something! my parents were flumoxed to the end. they just did not understand any of it. and i wasn’t helping. in fact i did not even know myself though i smugly thought i did.
i now know i went into that closet because i loved my mom deeply. i was grateful for my stable family life and deeply appreciated everything my dad did for me.
today i’m rather glad my parents are in their new heaven. they never knew i was transgender; only i was different. pretty much everyone thought i had gay tendencies. i still can’t see that in myself. and i know i’m not gay. i’m transgender! not transsexual. actually truly transgender. the one thing i have learned about being a parent is you can never truly shun your child. somewhere inside that love will survive forever. i would love to shun my children and forget them; the irritating hippie larvae! they are off on their life’s work using the tools i gave them and i am so proud of them. even the one who hates me. so, be nice to your parents if you can. you will see them later! and it will all make sense. maybe.
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