i’ve meditated on this a lot. a lot in my life has changed since this post as i start developing the courage to come out. however, a lot of my reconciliation has a lot to do with these ideas.
i understand about reading and movies for sure. as much as the feminine was stigmatised, so what the masculine, and i always sought out the most gender-neutral interests. i still feel most comfortable in them, but i am beginning to embrace all the girl stuff i secretly craved.
one thing i really love connecting with other trans women – or at least trans lesbians, over is double attraction. that could be described as this natural drive to basically *worship* women. having that, and having a horrible mother will really add up to something pretty damaging. i was so terrified of girls and women because i wanted to be immersed by them so desperately, but only had bad examples.
now, being married and having a daughter and living through lockdown i am in it, but not as much as i want to be. i realise how much i have needed goddess energy to feel nurtured. i allowed myself to “be my own goddess,” and that’s how it all opened up. unfortunately, that makes connecting with other women a lot harder, but it’s what i have to do, no matter what my pace of starting the transition outside of my own mind is.