Thank you Alexis for sharing your experience. When I read your story I thought, “this is too weird.”
I spend most of my on line girl time at our sister site, CDH. Last week I wrote about personally experiencing the same epiphany.
At this point my femme time is early in the morning before my wife awakes. Expression is limited more to subtle female activities then dressing. One such activity is my facial care routine. Cleansing, anti-aging cream, moisturizer etc. Often I finish with a spritz of Burberry Weekend perfume and an application of a light muted red lipstick so I can leave a lip imprint around the rim of my coffee cup as I drink my morning flexor prior to my wife’s awakening. Breathing the scent of the perfume and seeing that tell tale sign of my lipstick on the rim of my coffee cup while sitting alone thinking girl thoughts is very satisfying. It helps me manage my dysphoria.
I have successfully dieted to rid myself of my male gut. Unfortunately the dieting has also thinned my face. Looking in the mirror a thin older man’s face looks back at me. I am resigned to the truth that no amount of work will ever make my face look really “senior lady feminine.” Testosterone has done its sculpting well.
Thus I was surprised and yet comforted and given hope when upon looking in the mirror after finishing my lipstick I saw me, Charlene. Obviously it was not so much in the facial features; no they were the same older man with a bit of lipstick on some thin lips. Yet surprisingly and plainly I did see me – in my eyes. As I looked in those pretty blue eyes they seem to sparkle with delight.
A poet has said that the eyes shout forth volumes the lips fail to reveal. For a few brief moments mine were shouting, “thank you for embracing me as a vital part of the full you. Thank you for these few subtle ways of allowing me freedom and life. I am so happy.”
It was a surreal experience. At first I thought, ” that is weird”, then “you’re being delusional” to “your mind is playing tricks on you because being a woman is so dominant in your thinking.” That third thought my be true, yet I am not so sure.
I came away realizing that no matter how much “male” might still linger should I have the opportunity to fully express my feminine self that it wouldn’t matter. I understood in that brief moment that I don’t need to be a specimen women; no rather it is OK to simply “be,” me. Weird? Delusional? Mind games? No, I believe that is genuine growth. Growth that brings me a sense of contentment. Thank you all for listening.