Hello! I am quite new in the transgender community. I started really deeply question myself 4 months ago, after I turned 30 years old. I had random thoughts of me being male in woman’s body before, but I was always able to shake off these feelings. 4 months ago these feelings just came knocking in and I wasn’t able to ignore them. First few weeks were awful for me. I was shaking and was in tears. When I looked into a mirror, then it was almost like someone else’s eyes looked back at me, but they were my own eyes that looked me, as I was inside the shell of this woman. Fear paralyzed me. It was terrifying.
Then I started deeply think about it and found stuff about transgender people online. Beforehand I couldn’t even give this a name, because I didn’t know anything about the term transgender. I only knew, that there were people, who change their gender, but that’s it.
I can trace it all back to early days of my childhood. I always felt like I was different. I didn’t really fit in with the other girls. I was fascinated by toy cars and trains. I liked watching how men in my family chop up firewood and even tried it myself. I have always been also boyish.
I liked running in the playground with other guys and wanted to kick the ball too.
But I didn’t know how to express myself properly. I was pushed into this tiny box and I acted the way that society deemed as normal. I saw the differences between men and women and saw how other girls didn’t play with cars and played with dolls. This is when I noticed I was different, but I guess not knowing what to do and mimicking other girls was a way to cope and stay in denial.
It all was like I was living inside a dream past 30 years and just know I awoke. When I truly realized, then this euphoria hit me. I loved imagining myself as male, but also with all this game dysphoria and dysmorphia. Just imagination can trigger my dysphoria.
Right now there is this calmness inside me. Mostly I feel fear, because I don’t know how well, people around me would accept me. I came out to my friend, but she isn’t that supportive, but she does accept it. Just happy, that she didn’t push me away, because of it.
My father is not supportive of lgbtq+ community, so I already can guess of he would react. Despite it all I want to come out soon and fully transition, even though I might face ridicule and hate and loneliness. My country is conservative and there is a lot of homophobes and transphobes.
I want to break this wall, that stops me being true to myself and finally be truly happy.
I joined here, because I hope talking more to other transgender people and make friends too.