Reply To: Childhood signs

#123955

I spent most of my life hiding and denying the signs to myself.

The first sign I remember is being given a childhood practice razor and shaving cream around 5 or 6 years old  (mens facial hair style.) at the time I had no name for that intense dread that surged through me about the impending doom. I became afraid to grow up that day.

I have a sister very close to the same age as me and we would play together all the time. In the mud, Lego’s, Barbies, just whatever it wasn’t boy or girl play then. However, I would throw a friggin fit if I had to play with the ugly boy dolls (I want to be  the pretty one! Lol)  I grew very jealous of my sister.

Nail Polish! Omg since I was like six until I got beat up for it in 4th grade

I always wanted my hair to grow  but they kept cutting it on me and it made me so angry.

I started stealing and trying my sisters clothes on privately when I was about 8 or 9. I was caught by a 16 year old female family member once and got a full make over and I luuuuved it. This was also scary.  I eventually got into my mothers clothing as I grew and developed an eye for measuring women from a distance eventually picking them for partners and wearing their clothes (I know, I swear I’m really not that creepy)

a friend and I would draw together for fun and while he was drawing hulking men and musculature I would focus on the soft  curves of the female body. Even day dreaming a little about being the girls I was drawing. (Come on girl really you didn’t know?)

I had a beautiful singing voice and would sing various female artist (never really chose male songs) and was told I could sing so beautifully then testosterone decided to kill that and I hated my voice from then on.

I never really put any of this together even tho there were numerous signs but as puberty started and my curiosity grew as well  Things began to make sense and when I was 12 I was dating a very cute young guy and told my parents about my attraction to boys and girls. Really puberty was not nice I became bitter, numb, upset, confused, hateful and very unhappy

I was over accepted at home for my sexuality (didn’t think it was possible) and I became uncomfortable with the amount of attention at home and bullying at school. There were long phone conversation with my aunt (also a transgender woman) support groups the works. I wish I would have listened to her so much more but I was so overwhelmed and really just needed space and time.

I ended up needing to defend myself in school physically resulting in court cases where I was punished. It became very traumatic and I ran from myself and kept running until about a 1 year ago.

I Joined foot ball, learned how to be a man and played drag king for the rest of my school days. Went off to attempt an easy death in the Middle East with a rifle in my hand but got injured and sent home from basic training. (I was in during the repeal of don’t ask don’t tell we were sat down in the woods and told that won’t be changing  regardless of the new policy wooow)  I spent my entire adult life running from those childhood signs even tho it was in the back of my mind.  It wouldn’t stop and continued to grow.

So here I am 18 years later finally accepting me for me at 30 after all the trauma and unpleasantness.  Really wish I would have stayed true to myself and recognized the early signs.

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