Reply To: Am I really mtf? How do I tell my wife?

DeeAnn Hopings


Good that you are here!

It would appear that you will have to come out at some point. It is more a matter of When and not If. A key thing about coming out is doing it on your own terms. If you were to get outed by someone or your wife discovers tell-tale signs of what you have been doing, it becomes a major upheaval and you will be placed on the defensive. At that point, it is VERY difficult, if not impossible, to get to tell your story, your way.

I agree with writing down what you want to say. It helps to crystallize ones thoughts. However, I would caution against reading it to your wife. Honest communication is the goal, not a script. On the other hand, some may be very nervous about the process and be aided by using written material. In my case, my wife already knew as she had been part of my discovery process. But, I did have the conversation with my grown daughter and son, 7-8 close friends and my department manager at the time. I did not write anything down for any of these conversations and just began as straightforwardly as I could. I had a perfect lead-in as I was planning to be the Mistress of Ceremonies at a public event put on by my LGBT employee affinity group. As there would be people I knew from work in attendance, I assumed that word would travel and I wanted to be in front of that. Therefore, I had the conversations before the event. The idea was to head off any 2nd hand fabricated BS. Clearly, I would not say “Do what I did.”. I think it is best considered as another methodology or road to town.

A number of members have found that working with a therapist is quite helpful. There are difficult issues to think about; especially since the potential consequences are very significant. Home, family and employment could all be impacted. A therapist will ask the right questions to get you to think about the issues that need to be considered and help keep you focused. However, it is important to find someone with experience in working with gender issues as everyone does not have this expertise.

I encourage you to complete your Profile page as it really helps others to understand your situation. The page will always be readily available and can be updated at any time. I caution you against using transgenderED. It has fallen from use, even though it may still appear in dictionaries, because the implication is that something happened to make us transgender. However, the reality is that our gender identity and our sexuality are inherent. They are part of us from Day 1.

If you would like to search for members who may be nearby, click on Social in the menu and then Member Directory.

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