I recommend you seek a specialist, a doctor trained and specialized in dealing with the ins and outs of our community.
Feeling one way and living another doesn’t mean you have to choose, but there are many ways to achieve your goals even if you decide for a late transition.
The questions are:
Do you really need to transition?
Would you rather keep yourself in your comfort zone and live your needs (whatever they are) somehow safely?
To me, personally, self neglect has been a very sore matter throughout my adulthood. It took me a long while to situate, understand and allow myself to anything “me”wise.
I recommend you seek a gender positive psychologist. Open your heart and hope for the best. Do not look for regular psychologists. They’ll, more often than not, presume you to have a disease than just needing support and understanding.
Find your local community, go out, try a few things (with tons of common sense please), and try to find yourself and your personal, real needs.
Fantasy and fetish are easy to have and to play with, but they’ll get old really fast. Understanding your own heart will make you happy and satisfied on the other hand. Take your pick, knowing that what you need is the actual right choice.