Thanks, DeAnn!
Yes, I’m still seeing my therapist and she does know her Butler. And perhaps that’s part of my problem. She has affirmed more than once that I’m trans, and I’m ok with that. Masculinity has mostly been a role I performed poorly, and I don’t have any particular attachment to my male features. But I don’t see myself as a transwoman — hence the “non-binary” identification. My therapist did cover the possibility of my being one during our last session, but I can’t see it even though I do understand that I feel so good whenever allowed (by myself) to explore my femininity. It can be a very calming feeling. Maybe it’s just me shunning the masculinity that has hurt me so much for so long.
But I do have to be honest and say I don’t want to be a transwoman, because that would mean losing my partner — she likes cis guys and girls, also trans guys, but not trans girls. And that concern can indeed be getting in the way of my “discoveries”. You see, we moved to Canada (from Brazil) 5 years ago because me wanted to have a better chance at life. We also wanted to start a family. On December 1, 2021 our daughter was stillborn at 39 and a half weeks. We still haven’t been able to give or throw away her things. On July 1, 2022, my wife lost her dad. She can’t lose her husband.
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