August Marie,
hugs you
darling I think I understand..I also view missy as a different persona than my M persona. like you, I enjoy being missy much more n yes I pout n hurt when I dress as him..which I still do for a few limited things..like seeing mom, family n a few things like that. then I listen to her questions like why do you have long nails n earings n sound like an idiot because i agreed i wouldn’t tell her for her own good.
everything else though I needed to embrace missy n let her out because the switching was hurting so much. others, non transgender people don’t understand. I was recently asked a not uncommon question I suspect, well why can’t you just dress as a man, especially when my friends are comming to missy home so I, sibling need not explain why my former brother is dressed as this THING (his words) to my golfing n Bible study friends? because it’s missy home n missy signs the check n missy leads 98% of my life n if it’s too much to handle with your friends, I frankly don’t care. tell them I’m transgender or I’m crazy or I died, family press releases are not top on my list..I worry about breathing n getting through the day, and doing it as missy is easier n more fun for me so sc..w off.
I’m sorry baby. my therapist..please get a good one, told me there will be costs at every juncture, some monetary some otherwise..do I want to lose my family? no. but here’s what I wonder how n when did I become so disposable to them, that a few cosmetic changes, hell even if I fully transitioned tomorrow miraculously ..how did they decide I was so easily disposable? I, like you, don’t want to hurt any more. I want to be happy. missy is happy n seeks out people that are nice to her, for her. if wearing different clothes or getting some physical alterations makes me a thing n disposable, then I simply will stop calling n comming around. will it hurt? yes, but i suspect not as much as keeping missy hidden or switching M to F all day long to please others.
I’ve been missy publically 98% of the time since early November, 2022. scary at first, n then you get over it. you realize other people don’t look at us nearly as close or much as we fear..they have kids m groceries n laundry like we do, on their minds. will you get some looks? maybe but mine have been rare n short. who can stare? a poorly behaved child? a husband looking to piss off his wife?
so I embraced her n let her out. yes, terrifying at first..now? liberating. now I attend church on skirts n father always smiles n says welcome missyjo. I give out her name, phone n email when I shop. planning on joining local gym as missy soon.
can I tell you that’s right for you now dear? no, but it helped me. maybe it would help you, because switching hurts I know.
then there’s the little things like I locked my keys in car 2 or 3 times when butched up..why? cause my keys are in my purse dummy but I can’t carry it cause I’m at mom’s. duh.
good luck dear.
there are many wiser ladies here and we all care for each other. don’t do anything rash. breath n keep talking to us n your therapist.
good luck.
hugs
missy jo
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