I was where you are 6-7 years ago. Trying to manage dual personalities and existences. It didn’t go well. My male self left me depressed and withdrawn. My female self was the opposite. I was happy, outgoing, and confident. With the help of an awesome therapist I came to understand I had gender dysphoria. And a pretty bad case at that. So I looked at my options and transition filtered to the top. I started with HRT about 21 months ago. Smart move. My life has never been better.
That’s what worked for me. I won’t presume that’s the right answer for you. But I will say it looks like you might have gender dysphoria. And a good therapist can help you sort that out.
This journey you’re on can take you places you never expected. Never say never. Stay moving. Be open to every possibility. Eventually you’ll find your happy place.
Best of luck to you.