I’m from Southwest Missouri, which is very right wing conservative. My Dad and Stepmom are both hardcore Christians, son a I know they would have a hard time dealing with it. So far, I’ve come out to two people, my sister and my fiancé.
Growing up raised into Christian values, I always tried to hide my feelings and repress them, but no matter what I did, they always crept back up. When i was younger, I didn’t even know anything about transgender, but I had can remember that I always wanted to be pretty rather than handsome, often borrowed my sisters clothes to wear, which made me feel… comfortable.
Then, once I hit puberty, I would have these fantasies that I would find someone to have sex with the first time, and we would do it, but the next day, we had switched sexes, and I had become a female. I have also had recurring dreams where I am a me, but as a women. I used to ask myself what was wrong with me, and I still struggle with with trying to repress my feelings. I’m agnostic now, but some of those Christian teachings are so engrained, I sometimes feel ashamed when I dress up and try to look like a girl.
My fiancé is very supportive of me, and is caring, but we have talked about it and she admitted that even though she wants me to go through with it, and that she fully supports me, she doesn’t know if she could be with me once I fully transition because she is straight. So I’m torn right now because I do want to transition. I want to be accepted as a girl, be myself out in society, but I’m afraid to because I will lose my fiancé, and I really do love her. I’m also afraid of not being accepted, especially by my friends and family. Other than my fiancé, I don’t really have anyone who is supportive. My sister seemed kind of weirded out when I told her. And I know there can be complications during surgery and that maybe I won’t be happy if I can’t be passable. I know I shouldn’t worry about what other people think, but I do. I want to be thought of as a girl when someone meets me.
And the last thing I worry about is that I’m definitely more attracted to women then men, and I worry that no women would be attracted to someone like me and how hard it would be to find someone around where I live.
Sorry, I know this is a lot. Thank you for reading. I’m just trying to work through my emotions.
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