I don’t have a zoom under Chloë but I’ll create one..
I think my biggest barrier right now is not being authentic with my family. I want a plan to slowly come out to her. I’ve been in the closet for so long that I don’t think it’s fair to dump all this on her at once. I think it’s better for her to slowly realise that I’m trans by changing how I present myself to the world..
My male presentation was one without any self respect to clothes or hygiene.i hated him and I don’t know why I got to that point… To suddenly switch to being Chloë is too big a jump.
Everything I’ve done so far is to escalate closer to Chloë. So now I have nail polish all the time, do my own nails in front of my wife, do her nails. I discarded all my male shoes and bought female Sketchers. I shaved off my beard. I got my back waxed, then my daughter shaved a pattern in my chest hair and down my arm which meant I *had*to shave everything off, but now I’ve kept it off daily, shaved my legs, under arms. I use body lotion every day, cleanse and moisturize my face, I’m reading the clothes catalogue with her and saying which women’s clothes I would wear.
So in terms of changing the direction of my male presentation, it’s certainly getting closer to how I feel in the inside and my wife is noticing..
Why do this? Because I’m afraid of the outcome of coming out and I’m not strong enough to handle the possibility of the loss.
My son’s friend is trans and my wife and I recently had a good conversation about that. Now I know how she feels about trans people, that she sees the same person in the inside and it’s just the outside that’s different. So I’m hopeful that soon we can have a Frank discussion about where I fit in the spectrum. Last night, after the conversation about my son’s friend, I said that I don’t see myself at the male end of the spectrum. That was the first foray into the conversation..