My whole life has been wrapped around being a girl. At the age of 4 my 3 year old sister and I were using our mother’s makeup and jewelry. She and I would dress in her princess dresses and run around the house and ask if we were beautiful. That was the last time that I was happy as a child. At age 5, I was sent to aversion therapy since the phycologist convinced my parents I would be cured; I lost most of my 5 year old life. It did not cure me but it did push me deep into the closet.
Throughout my life I would escape from an oppressive reality by dressing as a girl. This would give me a sense of peace that I could not obtain by any other means. When I would dress as a girl in silky undergarments and heels I would close my eyes and run my hands down my sides and imagine it was the real me.
As life went on I would dress at every opportunity which was almost every day. When I would see a girl in beautiful clothes I would visualize myself in those clothes. This created such a longing in me that when I would get a chance to dress it would be a bittersweet experience . Growing up introverted I had no close friends; close friends require you to open up yourself to others. How could a young person tell their friends they were different; that they were a person that society deemed to be a pervert. Going through a store and seeing a display of women’s dresses I would often stand there mesmerized; but then after several minutes would get deathly afraid someone would ask why I was looking longingly at something that I could not have.
No child wants to be deemed as different. No child wants to be sent to school wearing jeans when the current style of clothing is corduroys; and then wearing corduroys when everyone else has shifted back to jeans. No child wants to be seen as different. I never felt part of male groups; I never had a desire to have a man cave or play organized sports. I wanted to be accepted by female groups but as a male I did not fit in. This created a very lonely experience.
For the twenty years before I came out I should have been diagnosed as clinically depressed. There was nothing good or happy about my life. I would bury those feelings and have no sense of self worth. I was the person that I hated most in life. As those twenty years progressed gender dysphoria continued to get worse. The five years before I came out there were often thoughts of hurting myself just to escape from the reality of not living as myself.
Life did not become easy simply by coming out to myself and accepting that I was trans. I often wanted to push my female self back into the neat little box that would allow me to keep my true self hidden and continue to fit into a male society. But the girl in me would not go back in. Like the prisoner who got caught again after doing their time and would kill themselves rather than being imprisoned again.
Now that I started on my transition and I am living full time as a female with 18 months of HRT behind me I have learned to like myself. I now have the peace that eluded me for the previous 55 years.
How many reasons do I need for transitioning. My whole life experience has been a reason to transition. You may be able to relate to some things in my life, though everyone’s transition is a little different. Hopefully I have given you some thoughts about your own transitioning.
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