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** This started in April of last year, but we talked for a few months prior to this.
Ok so this is a long story, but I will try to keep it short just because I don’t want to really relive this. I am a person who is wanting to do HRT, I consider myself trans nb, and there’s this person who I talked to for 6-7 months as a friend. (They’re also like 10 years older than me). They were like my best friend and they did make me feel very good about myself. They used to be really supportive. Then one day last year, they decided to Photoshop me in disgusting ways with pictures I sent to them IN PRIVATE and spread my pictures online without my permission and them and their friends called me horrible offensive names like “shemale” and “ugly asf” and “I look like I suck guys off all the time” and said I did things I never did, and making fun of very trivial things about me just because it was what I liked – basically putting me through a living hell for months. They hurt me in a lot of ways because I thought they were my friend and they did these attacks on me for seemingly no reason at all. I got mad at them and messaged them about it a year ago when it started but they blocked me (but it’s continued for over a year at this point). I felt very unwelcomed in the community they were in (just one community but it has a lot of people in it, but they also post on Reddit which scares me away from posting too, but I don’t want to feel scared anymore. I really don’t.) basically nobody gave a shit what I had to say about what they did to me. Not even the admin of that community, because the admin always took their side despite showing them 100% obvious proof and they knew this whole time what they were doing to me, and they’re still friends. When I told one of the admin’s friends about how I dislike the group because of it, the admin called me out for “slanderizing” the group even though they didn’t do anything about this. They banned a couple of people, but not the actual person who was doing this to me. I know very well they are aware of what they are doing, the fact that they deleted their account a couple months ago and made a new one for trolling and added them back shows that. I just wanted them to stop what they were doing to me. I felt so desperate. The admin still said they wanted to be friends after the disagreement we had but I was done with them too after that. This went on for a whole year. This person still keeps doing it to me and others, but mostly they did it to me and still make a lot of homophobic posts in general but everyone still seems to think they are “innocent” and can do no wrong. But I’m done with them.
I even told my therapist that I saw so many red flags in the beginning of our friendship but I chose to ignore them. I felt so stupid after this happened to me.
I guess what I’m trying to say is… am I good enough? I feel like the answer should be obvious, but at the same time my mental health has drained so much from this torment they have put me through it makes me feel very ugly on the outside (and inside since it’s caused a lot of mental trauma sort of issues, but mostly outside because I WANT to look pretty). And I’m not going to lie, they are an evil hypocrite in my eyes, but they pass very well. They have so many people who don’t misgender them because they pass so well. You can see it if you know they aren’t cis, but most people don’t know by first glance – but there’s still always that lingering thought I have of “what if they are right about me being ugly?” I used to get a lot of likes on other groups a year before we met by people who did like me and the way I looked, one post even got 1k+ likes (but I haven’t posted in well over a year because of this, the post in question was way before we met by a couple months so they weren’t aware of it). But I still feel defeated and it’s made things really hard for me in my life and how I identify myself, or if I am good enough to transition to the way I want. I just needed to put this out there, maybe for advice or to reach out to others who maybe experienced something similar. I really want to feel good about myself but it is still there in the back of my mind when I even think about making a schedule to start on any sort of progress for transitioning and it’s been the biggest holdup of me wanting to do so for a year. I’ve had to see a therapist just for this specific thing because it’s gotten so bad last year for me. It took me a lot of time to think about posting this, I’m still scared of someone who knows who I am seeing this post and more attacks happen to me online and I’m worried about the potential backlash just posting this has for me. But I just want to feel like I am validated and good enough to make that step… I want to be respected and addressed the way that makes me happy, and when people do that, it really does make me happy. But it feels rare.
I guess I’m sort of wanting validation to know I’m not as bad as they say I am, but I know all of that needs to come from myself. It’s just that it’s been hard for me to come out of my shell after this I suppose… it has been really hurtful. It’s made me develop a lot of trust issues and confidence in transitioning. It’s 2023 and I really want changes in who I am.
I know I will probably never get closure on this no matter what I try, because they are an unreasonable person to talk to and I DO miss that friendship but the more the days and months go by, the more lonely I feel on my progress in life as an NB person.
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