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My wife asked me the subject question over the weekend. I said “no” without thinking. But the answer is far more complicated and “sometimes” would have probably been a better answer.
I’ve never been a manly man. I’ve always fit in better with girls/women. The conversations, the mannerisms, the behaviors have always just felt more natural.
I have memories back to before 4th grade of not liking my man parts, but those feelings come and go over the years. I crossdress frequently wearing bras and panties most days even under my male clothing, but certainly never “passable”. I always say if I have a choice I’m going to come back in my next life as a woman.
When I’m out and about or watching TV I frequently find myself thinking “cute outfit” or “I wish I could wear that”. Speaking of watching TV, I tend to prefer typically “feminine” shows and movies.
Were it not for my wife I would probably further pursue the question of whether I want to or could transition.
Such a simple question from my wife and such a roller coaster of thoughts and feelings behind the answer. The immediate “no” was more of a “I don’t want to talk about this right now” than a real “no way”.
Sorry for the long diatribe for my first post. It just flowed out.
Hi Jessica,
I came out to my wife a month before our 40th anniversary. She asked me the same question then and I said I didn’t and I wasn’t gay or bi or anything. I enjoyed crossdressing and feeling like a woman but I didn’t want to live as one I didn’t think.
After a few months of therapy she again asked me and then I said I wasn’t sure, but I always wanted to have my own breasts and feel like a woman. I learned I have gender dysphoria (have had mosyt of my life I think) and the only way to feel like a whole person is to pursue HRT and transition (partially – I still don’t think I want GRS).
So here I am today, on estradiol and feeling a few small changes starting to happen. My wife is terrified and isn’t sure she can love or live with a transwoman. I rarely underdress – if it can’t be fully en femme, I’d just as soon not wear anything. I plan to go FT in Jan 2023, though.
Thanks for sharing – it is a complicated answer and we all are going to be in a unique place.
Hugs,
Brie
Hello Brielle, I can totally relate to what is happening with you. I had the same sort of question from my wife. But I told her I believe I do want to be a woman. I wanted to have my own breasts and feel like a woman. But to go one step further I told her I believe I am bi-sexual and would like to know what it would be like to be with a man. I too would like to pursue HRT and transition. After a few days to think about it, she said she doesn’t want to lose me but at the same time she wants a man in her life. We are at a cross road, or more like a fork in the road. Not sure which path to take.
The problem becomes now that it’s out there, there is no going back. in most cases the spouse can’t 100% trust after the initial deception (at least not for us). so unless one can forge a new relationship and covenant with their spouse it’s very difficult to “just stay together”. wish i had that answer but i haven’t been able to experience it yet.
Hugs,
Brie
I understand, “it’s out there, there is no going back…” but the fact is, at least for me, it had been out there for a long time. I had been dropping hints for years. Trying to find the right way to say something. My wife admitted that, now that she looks back, she saw the sign but ignored them. As for the “initial deception,” could you explain what you mean? The way I see it, I am still me. Just because I want to change my physical appearance does not mean I want to change my inner self.
Hi, i meant in my case i held back pretty important info from my wife from the beginning. i wished i had given her some indication what was going on inside here, but she definitely had no clue. i don’t know that i deceived her further as i initially believed i was “only” a part time crossdresser. it wasn’t until therapy after the reveal that i knew there was a lot more i was repressing.
Brielle, I wouldn’t say you “deceived” her. You were still trying to find yourself. When it comes to relationship, many people change over time. For some the light goes on and they see more clearly as they mature. To to deceive some one, you would have to full knowledge and I don’t think you did back then. For me, the urge has grown more as each year passes. Please, don’t judge yourself – looking back and saying you have deceived her – move forward and live the life you want.
Oh Lee… I love your positive outlook on this! 💋😊♥️ On the subject of whether you’re “deceiving” a spouse or partner by not immediately spilling all the details… I kind of think it’s hard to know ourselves what is going on inside us… How can we expect to let our spouses know until we’ve done some exploring and soul searching and even therapy on our own? It’s not deception if you intend to tell your spouse when you are ready. It’s self protection, of a kind. Everyone has the right to protect their own feelings.
As an inveterate people pleaser I understand the sense of guilt that comes from not sharing the information but at least in my case I wouldn’t know what to say just yet. Am I trans? Do I just feel good when I present as a woman? How can I explain this to my spouse if I can’t master the language to explain it to myself? I think it’s legitimate to investigate and get to know yourself safely in private before sharing with anyone else. Your intent isn’t malicious – it’s curious and exploratory. Intent matters, I think!
Just my opinion of course!
Love and sisterhood,
Sarah
Oh Brie, once again, how true! Once it’s out there it’s a done deal, at least it is for me! This weekend I am moving to a new place to live. My spouse, who thought I was a non practicing CD, told me upon coming out to her that I was actually transgender and needed to transition, that I needed to find my own place. The truth is and always has been, that I’ve always wanted to be a girl! Now I have taken the steps to finally live as one full time. I’ve already transitioned at work and now, this weekend, am moving in with another woman where I will be a room mate in her condo. She knows I am a trans woman and has met with Lauren several times. So, for me, the answer to the question of this topic has always been…YES!!
Love,
Lauren M
Absolutely, I do. That’s what I told my wife when she asked me. But I also told her that I’m madly in love with her & would never do anything to mess up what we have. Numerous times, she has told me that she thinks that the depression & anxiety, I experienced years ago was caused by having to suppress my female identity. I still get irritable, sometimes, and as much as I know she wants to say, “Oh, just go put on a dress, will ya?”, she doesn’t because she doesn’t want to encourage my dressing. Emotionally tough for both of us.
Jessica:
I think MANY people have a very simplistic view of gender and how it works. That makes the answer to the question much more complicated than a plain Yes or No, Black or White. There are many shades of grey. It can be hard to envision the fact that genitalia does not define our gender identity. Unfortunately too many are steeped in the gender binary and that’s where their thinking is stuck…
Jessica:
It occurred to me that I didn’t describe my own situation. It is different from many here.
I am fortunate in that I have not experienced dysphoria to any sort of quantifiable degree. What I finally realized, after MANY decades, is that I have never been completely male nor completely female in my thoughts, perspectives and actions. I have always been interested in traditional male pursuits as well as things thought to be traditionally female. That never bothered me internally, but I learned during childhood what was acceptable behavior and what wasn’t. It finally occurred to me that investing energy in maintaining a masculine facade was pointless. While I present as DeeAnn nearly all of the time, presenting as Don on occasion isn’t a problem. A recent example is when we had appointments to get our vaccines. I didn’t want anyone to try to figure out why my presentation didn’t match my identification. There are no anxious moments when I do this.
However, I would hesitate to say that I want to be a girl. The way that women are treated, from a social perspective, clearly has many issues associated with it. While I am fine with my presentation and social interactions, there are other aspects that do not sit well…
Do I want to be a girl??
Wow, that in many ways is a very complicated question.
Many times I have seen how women are treated.
And I dug deep into the process of changing name and all of the other documents that go along with it.
But do I want to be female….
As far back as I can remember I saw her peeking out, and begging to be free.
I broke down last year and told the world about Shiloh and I have no plan to stop now.
She is out to stay, it is her life.
I’m waiting on hormones to come in the mail this week.
And to find out if the Orchie was approved.
So yes I want to be a girl and go all the way.[quote quote=128953]My wife asked me the subject question over the weekend. I said “no” without thinking. But the answer is far more complicated and “sometimes” would have probably been a better answer. I’ve never been a manly man. I’ve always fit in better with girls/women. The conversations, the mannerisms, the behaviors have always just felt more natural… …Were it not for my wife I would probably further pursue the question of whether I want to or could transition. Such a simple question from my wife and such a roller coaster of thoughts and feelings behind the answer. The immediate “no” was more of a “I don’t want to talk about this right now” than a real “no way”.[/quote]
Based on my experience she thinks you are or have been thinking about it. My ex- took a different path starting with panties in the bedroom and then progressively feminizing me. Then one evening we had THE conversation and I realised that I had always wanted to be a girl and that my fragile mental health was the price of suppressing it. Even though we split for other reasons I’m certain of two things; if I’m ever well enough to get a job it will be Thanks to her, putting me on the road to transition was the most wonderful thing anybody has ever done to me. It isn’t easy but at least I’m still here.Do I want to be a girl? I take that as wanting to express as a girl on the outside. I’m a girl on the inside. I’ve taken the steps to physically present outwardly who I am after decades of denial. When I had the conversation with my wife, she asked if I wanted to be a girl too. At the time I said no like many others did on this thread. The true answer was yes of course. That response to my wife was deceiving to her. Fast forward to a couple months later. That’s when the E was starting to work, had only been on it for a month at that point. I had to tell her that I was unsure, although I was sure. I told her I am loving how I feel on E and she agreed that my mood had definitely changed for the better. Now to give context, my wife knew and actually helped with what she thought was just cross dressing. She even helped with the makeup, which is an art by the way. In hindsight I should have told her way back in 2013 when I was diagnosed the first time with GD. It took me until 2021 to get back to therapy and get out of my denial of who I truly am. It’s amazing the clouds lifting from me and rays of happiness being absorbed into my body. I am no longer the angry man I used to be, I’m far more understanding and patient than I ever was.
Yes, but I am very cautious. When I started a relationship with a woman in 2010 I told her that I was transgender after the third date, fully expecting the relationship to end at that point. But instead she was one of those truly rare people who welcomed the news— said she felt like she was getting a 2 for 1 deal. She thought I was handsome as a man and was eager to help me be the best woman I could be. She taught me a lot. We had both agreed that we would put of my full transition to retirement, but then she died a few months after that date. I am still interested in forging ahead but it will be slower without her. It is still all about being true to my self and liking for company that can accept and respect that.
I am very glad to meet you all!
The simple answer is yes. I want to be a woman.
I am very fortunate to have a wife who is very supportive. I call her my “Cheerleader.”
I have been on HRT for a year now. I no longer feel the internal rage and anger.
We have had many conversations, some good and some bad. During one of those conversations she did ask me if I wanted a sex change. My answer was yes I have a very strong desire to have breast and transition. We haven’t had intercourse for a number of years, her choice. After menopause she explained it became increasingly painful so we have found other ways to be intimate. So I asked her if she was done with my “Junk” and if she was, so was I.
The HRT has been such a relief. I feel sooo much better and until my GRS my breast forms will just have to work overtime!
Take care, Be happy
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I simply luv Femininity! There are so many aspects and traits that women possess and portray. It is said that imitation is the greatest form of flattery. In reality to want to be a Girl/Woman … the answer is No. I’ve been around enough women to know the battles women have just in their own bodies let a lone with other women, men and children .. oh and the greater would at large. I only have a SMALL glimpse and knowledge. I applaud and appreciate Womanhood and the opportunities I have to experience and imitate their beautifulnessThrough my childhood and adolescents I grew never feeling like I a girl, I always felt like I was fine being a boy, then around the time I turned 20 I started having urges to wear make up and put on girly clothes, and that’s when I started to question it, eight years later and that question still feels like it’s not been answered. I sometimes feel like I’m tricking myself
Hi all, it’s been nearly a year since I first responded to this question. A lot has happened – most for the good, but some really bad. I am a year into my transition and I am very happy with that decision. A month and a half ago, I ditched all my guy clothes (except a few t-shirts and miscellaneous clothes that are androgynous). I am totally out at work and got my name legally changed to Brielle.
In June last year, my wife and I separated after nearly 41 years of marriage. It wasn’t totally because of my feminization, but the awkwardness and resentment of my wife from the lifetime of secret-keeping was a pivotal trauma to the marriage. We are a couple of weeks away from divorce being filed. We’ve worked out financial details and on paper, we should be able to move into a friendly relationship. I keep triggering her and have already gotten romantically entangled with other people online.
I am now contemplating getting “the surgery” since the equipment I was born with is just in the way anymore. Between the hormone therapy and just being alone and isolated for more than a year, I’d be happier with it all gone. I’m getting electrolysis and laser, and there are significant changes in my body that I am extremely happy for.
While I still struggle with feeling selfish, I am overall very pleased I finally decided to live as my correct gender.I am optimistic I can lead the life I had denied myself all these years, and be a role model and ally to those coming behind me.
Hugs,
Brie
I don’t see yourself as being selfish – quite the opposite. You’ve suppressed something your wife doesn’t approve of for more time than many have been alive, she either didn’t see or ignored the effects on you, when you did open up she took the money and ran.
I’m extremely fortunate in still being friends with my ex- who gave me the push to get started acting on my nature, I know from the reactions I get to this bombshell that she’s most unusual. Be prepared for her to fade away.
I wish you the very best surgery results, it seems like you’ve nailed it otherwise.
Do I want to be a girl? For me the answer has always been yes. I’ve never felt comfortable in male skin, and the feeling as far back as I can remember is that the person looking back at me in the mirror is female. A long like cross dresser from an early age, there was a sense of peace that nothing else could quite quench. With life getting in the way, I’ve made the decision that my life would not be complete if I could not live at least part of it openly as the woman I have always been. Interestingly enough, being as myopic as I am, when I step out of the shower with no glasses, I can imagine what a physically female me could be like, and it looks beautiful.
As with most here who have or have had a spouse, the same question was asked of me. Eventually the truth became apparent to both her and myself. Yes I want to be a girl. The harder question for me is, how much do I want this? Being older I’m not sure that I have the strength of will for it. Am I completely happy in my current situation? No. I want more but at least for now, I am living with what has been given me, without destroying the marriage. I always have on a bra and panties, always. Most of my jeans, are women’s jeans. When we go out I do my best to make it less noticeable. But there have been some days when I don’t give a …… who notices. The problem is I think I’ve given her all the control, so she has limited me instead of helping me explore further. Meanwhile I’m still getting older. Frustrating at the least.
I appreciate the question and all the answer. I found value in reading everyone’s thoughts. All that said my answer to the question, “do you want to be a girl?” is still unequivocally, yes, except at this stage of my life to make it age appropriate I will declare it thus, “yes, I want to be a woman.”
Yet as someone has pointed out this must mean,”do I want to be a woman physically; because I already am a woman in my heart.” I have never called myself a crossdresser, because I never sensed that I was a man who liked to wear woman’s clothes. To me crossdressing was like masquerading. I was simply giving the illusion that this person was female though under all the clothes and ultimately when they came off there was still a very male body there.
For me it has always been, “I don’t want to look like a woman, I want to be one.” And over the course of many years of soul searching I’ve come to the conclusion that I want to be a woman because I am a woman. As a born again Christian whose faith is as much a part of who I am as is my own unique womanhood I have been able to reconcile this conundrum this way, “I am a woman (though not female) who at this point has been divinely tasked with male responsibilities based on my personhood as established by my male body.” Such an explanation works for me though it doesn’t make the gender incongruity any easier to bear at times.
I have had the opportunity to speak with a medical doctor who is a full time trans woman. Part of her practice is to help in the early stages of one’s transition. When I told her all that was in my heart about what I desired for my life without hesitation she said, “Charlene listen to yourself. Everything you long for is what the typical woman longs for in her life. The typical man doesn’t desire to be a wife or get pregnant and be a mom. Charlene you desire these typically female experiences because you are not really a man, you are a woman at your core.”
I resisted that diagnosis for some time, but over the course of time since then I had to finally yield to the fact that, “yes, I am a woman.”
The conundrum (Jan Morris, a trans woman author wrote a book about her transition entitled “Conundrum”) for so many of us who finally accept that we are trans (especially we who are older) is do you or how do you transition knowing the “collateral damage” deciding to live authentically will produce?
Yes outwardly I long to relate to others and to be related to by others as a woman. Why? Authenticity. Because I am a woman at my core. At this point such a life is a dream. Sadly I can’t seem to cross the divide and make my dream my goal.
A typical “Lady” thing – always late for everything! I am even lte for “wanting to be a woman, a lady!”. I have waited until I am in my 70’s to desire femininity. Before that I was content to be, dress, occasinally, as a girl, for a few hours every week or two. Now, I always, or most always, wear panties, and put my nightgown on every night at bedtime, and do not take it off until late in the morning! And I adore it! Hell, this Lady even finds herself wishing to have a man, and become married!
The question, “Do I want to be a girl?”, has this answer: “Yes, Yes, YES!” Oh, why did I wait so long, and what does this old Lady do now, at 75?
Roxanne
I’m not sure the question should read as “want”, but rather, “need” to be a girl. I think lots of trans would like to transition, simply to find out what it is like, but the truth is, in my opinion;, those who do transition do so because they need to, not want to. It all sounds so fantasy like, sort of like the world will become a perfect place after transitioning. The reality of it all is much more complicated. There is the reality of workplace issues, wage issues, inequality issues, acts of violence, the list goes on. Transitioning is not for the faint of heart. It requires serious attention and support before and after. I am out, but will not transition at my age, simply because I don’t hate myself enough to do it. I can handle who I am and am not willing to go through the necessary steps to achieve the goal. I’ve been doing this so long I have come to accept who I am and know I can express the true me without transitioning fully. Maybe the struggle has made me tired, not sure, but I’m happy enough as is.
Hi Jill,
Your answer resonates so perfectly with what I gave come to understand after bearing the load of my gender incongruity for over 63 years. I have built a “successful” life as my male self. So many rely on and love me as a male. Yet all this was done and is currently being lived out with the continual discomfort caused by the ebb & flow of gender dysphoria (I call it gender brokenness)
After years of misunderstanding about myself which has created a plethora of guilt, shame, dark and ah-ha moments, I have finally conclude that all this goes on because truly (though not female physically) at my core I am a woman.
Now at 68 do I want to be a woman. YES, sometimes so badly that it physically hurts. But your closing remarks,
“I’ve been doing this so long I have come to accept who I am and know I can express the true me without transitioning fully. Maybe the struggle has made me tired, not sure, but I’m happy enough as is.”
Happy enough? For me not really, but I’ve come to the conclusion that in light of all who my transition would affect this is about as good as it gets for me. I may be wrong, but at this point I don’t sense it is wise to upset the proverbial apple cart.
Kindly,
Charlene
Exactly the way I feel also. If something happened to my partner or she decided to move on, then I would definitely take a serious look at going through grs, srs, FRS, etc. She is so accepting and comfortable with my gender self I have chosen to follow her wishes not to transition, a fear she lives with constantly. imagine having a brain that doesn’t constantly dwell on who I am but where I am going to travel to next month, or whatever for example.
hugs, Jillleanne
Not sure if I replied to this long ago or not, but all wives I am sure ask their trans partner that question. My answer has changed over the years, twenty years ago, I know right OMG, I am only 21 like for last last 10 years like my mom always was, but enough of that. My knee jerk answer in the beginning was ‘no’, over time, about 14 years ago it was ‘yes’ and I want to transition, now my answer is ‘I always was’ a girl just in weird body. The motivation for the original no was of course that I did not want to hurt her feelings, as well as she said a yes answer is a separation answer, plus I was not 100% sure myself. I changed over time and grew up and became more sure of self. When I made the mental decision that I was a girl in the wrong body and want to transition 14 years ago, and told her so it started the whole roller coaster. Now I generally do not think about wanting to be a girl at all I just know it is so and it has freed up a ton of self questioning.
Miriya
So, do I want to be a girl? I’d have to answer “yes”. Is it possible? I’m wavering on the answer to that – that would be a more “try back later” response. I can’t even say for sure that I need to transition – other than I’ve always felt like there’s been a hole in my life – like I’ve “missed out” on being female. Don’t get me wrong – in this Patriarchal Society on this rock (spinning around, third in line from this yellow star) it’s more advantageous to be male than female, but I would have rather had the struggle as a female, than be “given” so much as male (and be mentally ‘tortured’ all my life of longing for a female life, but stuck in a male body!)
I thought I was on the right path… letting my hair grow, shaving/epilating body hair, taking estrogen, I even had plans for getting an orchiectomy (first incremental surgical step to physical transition), but the Pandemic stopped that short, and now with the growing tensions and violence towards our LGBTQ+ Community, and especially targeting the Transgender Community, I find I’m in limbo on my transition.
It’s very hard to be Transgender anymore (not surgically – there’s much more advances in surgical treatment today than just 10 years ago… that is, IF you can afford it!) As much as there are more people supporting Transgendered folks, there’s the perception that even more are opposing us – and it has not stopped at words. Now it includes open hostility, stalking, violent acts, and anti-Trans/LGBTQ+ laws/legislation being created to reduce or eliminate our rights – not just in the United States, but in other countries as well!
Do I want to be a girl? Oh SOOO much, I do! But now I wish I were a cis-girl – so I wouldn’t be a target for the ever-growing Transmisia happening. Although now it’s even hard to be a cis-girl since Roe was overturned!
It’s just a s***-show out there anymore, and I’m finding it more and more desirable to shutter myself in the house and not go out in public. I guess I’m “back in the closet” in every way, and I’m saddened by this world and hating it at the same time!
Sorry for being such a “Debbie-downer”.
It is scary… that so many people fail to recognize the climate of fear and what it can lead to is even scarier. When the bathroom issue came up in the Republican debate recently, it was a cis woman – Hailey – who said she feared for the safety of her kids by trans folk using their bathroom. I feel you. I was so hoping done one would set her straight…Which is why I plan to be the biggest damn pain in the ass and (at least try) do my part in showing them that trans folk are people too. And we’re not going anywhere. If we don’t speak out for ourselves, who else will?
Maria, you hit the nail on the head! We can stand and fight with the possibility of being murdered, or go back to hiding.
I am living in a small conservative community that I have been apart of most of my life, so I have chosen to transition slowly but abrupt. If you’re paying attention you’ll see the changes, if not ?
My daughter died by suicide because I hid in a closet, never showing my true self, as many others. We could have changed the world decades ago, but we chose to hide.
I can’t hide anymore!!! My daughter deserved more, as do so many others!!!
You may ask why not just go full out? I feel I am. It’s military tactics. Know your enemy. I’m changing hearts and minds one at a time. Again this is working I’m my small community but I believe with time and enough people coming out, it will get better in all communities!!!
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I think we all do deep inside but sometimes question ourselves such as not passing but in end it’s you and you do wish to dress all timeMy answer would have been an enthusiastic yes, because it’s what I’ve always wanted. However, reality has always been more complicated and I feel like I have gotten used to it, or bowed down to it.
My mind travels through intricate paths and does not always find the answers easy even if the questions seem simple.
Gisela
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